Q:  How do you mend a broken Jack-o-lantern? A:  With a pumpkin patch.

Q: What is a vampire’s favorite fruit? A: A necktarine!

Q: Why didn’t the skeleton want to go to school? A: His heart wasn’t in it.

Q: What kind of monster loves to disco? A: The boogieman.

Q: What do you call a fat pumpkin? A: A plumpkin.

Q: Why didn’t the scarecrow eat dinner? A: He was already stuffed.

Q: Why are ghosts so bad at lying? A: Because you can see right through them!

Q: When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat? A: When you’re a mouse.

Q: How do you make a witch itch? A: Take away the W.

Q: What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire? A: It’s a pain in the neck.

Q: Why do demons and ghouls hang out together? A: Because demons are a ghouls best friend!

Q: Why can’t the boy ghost have babies? A: Because he has a Hallo-weenie.

Q: What’s it called when a vampire has trouble with his house? A: A grave problem.

Q: How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery? A: All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts.

Q: What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? A: Frostbite

Q: What is in a ghost’s nose? A: Boo-gers

Q: Why don’t mummies take time off? A: They’re afraid to unwind.

Q: Why did the vampire need mouthwash? A: Because he had bat breath.

Q: What do you call a witch’s garage? A: A broom closet.

Q: The maker of this product does not want it, the buyer does not use it, and the user does not see it. What is it? A: A coffin.

Q: Where does a ghost go on vacation? A: Mali-boo.

Q: Why do girl ghosts go on diets? A: So they can keep their ghoulish figures.

Q: Why did the headless horseman go into business? A: He wanted to get ahead in life.

Q: Why did the Vampire read the New York Times? A: He heard it had great circulation.

Q: Why did the ghost go into the bar? A: For the Boos.

Q: How do vampires get around on Halloween? A: On blood vessels

Q: Know why skeletons are so calm? A: Because nothing gets under their skin.

Why was the jack-o-lantern afraid to cross the road? He had no guts.

SCENE: My teenage daughter and me in the car. Lauren: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl’s name is? Me: Hmm, is it a consonant or a vowel? (Silence.) Please tell me you know what consonants and vowels are. Lauren: You’re no fun, Dad. Forget it. Me: What is a vowel? Lauren: OK, OK. A vowel is … ahh … eh … well, oh … uh … Me: Close enough. —by Robert Alvarez, author of Blonde Moments: Life with a Blonde Teenage Daughter  

Some people just have a way with words, and other people … oh … not have way. Steve Martin

The four most beautiful words in our common language: 
I told you so. Gore Vidal

All pro athletes are 
bilingual. They speak English and profanity. Gordie Howe, hockey player

I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure if I ever went there, I could get by. Bonnie McFarlane

If you understand English, press 1. If you do not understand English, press 2. Recording on an Australian tax help line

I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish. Steven Wright

Baseball bat: a wooden or 
metal bar that can easily fly out of someone’s hands. Foul ball: a moment when you think, Holy @#$%, I got a hit! Babe Ruth: someone who people tell you was also overweight. Right field: a quiet place where you can sit for long stretches and play with dandelions. Until suddenly you hear a clang and some shouting and immediately understand life is about to get much harder. Fly ball: when the sun drops 
a boulder on your head. Shortstop: a position that 
involves mostly ground balls 
and that you think maybe you can play. Line drive: the reason you can’t play shortstop. Innings: the amount of time 
left before afternoon snack, 
divided by nine. Marc Philippe Eskenazi, 
in the New Yorker

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So each one goes into the woods, finds 
a bear, and attempts to convert it. Later, they all get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the 
circumcision.”

Choosing a movie? Don’t trust these extremely abbreviated plot 
explanations. • The Shining: A family’s first Airbnb experience goes very wrong. @janmpdx • The Lord of the Rings: Group spends nine hours returning jewelry.  @eserunsalan • Titanic: Everyone tries the ice-bucket challenge.     @generalist • Beauty and the Beast: Stockholm syndrome works.     @DanSlott • The Chronicles of Narnia: Kid comes out of the closet.    @SueChainzz From the Twitter feed #ExplainAFilmPlotBadly

My husband was waterskiing when he fell into the river. As the boat 
circled to pick him up, he noticed a hunter sitting in a duck boat in the reeds. My husband put his hands in the air and joked, “Don’t shoot!” The hunter responded, “Don’t quack.” Katie O’Connell, Warrenville, Illinois

I’d never had surgery, and I was nervous. “This is a very simple, noninvasive procedure,” the anesthesiologist reassured me. I felt better, until … “Heck,” he continued, “you have 
a better chance of dying from the 
anesthesia than the surgery itself.” T. f., via Internet

My three-year-old daughter stuck out her hand and said, “Look at the fly I killed, Mommy.” Since she was eating a juicy pickle at the time, I thrust her contaminated hands under the faucet and washed them with antibacterial soap. After sitting her down to finish her pickle, I asked, with a touch of awe, “How did you kill that fly all by yourself?” Between bites, she said, “I hit it with my pickle.” Cindy Yates, Mill Valley, California

When I was growing up, my mother’s best dish was store-bought Entenmann’s chocolate chip cookies. —Michael Ian Black, 
from Navel Gazing (Gallery Books)

The average age of people living in our military retirement community is 85. Recently, a neighbor turned 100, and a big birthday party was thrown. Even his son turned up. “How old are you?” a tenant asked. “I’m 81 years old,” he answered. The tenant shook her head. “They sure grow up fast, don’t they?” Thomas Clements, Catonsville, Maryland

“Next time I send a damn fool, 
I go myself.” —Sgt. Louis Cukela, reportedly said at the 
Battle of Belleau Wood during World War I

From the police blotter, 
or, what a beat cop deals with 
every day: • A deputy responded to a report 
of a vehicle stopping at mailboxes. 
It was the mail carrier. • A woman said her son was 
attacked by a cat, and the cat would not allow her to take her son to the hospital. • A resident said someone had 
entered his home at night and taken five pounds of bacon. Upon further investigation, police discovered 
his wife had gotten up for a late-night snack. • A man reported that a squirrel 
was running in circles on Davis Drive, and he wasn’t sure if it was sick or had been hit by a car. An 
officer responded, and as he drove on the street, he ran over the squirrel. Source: uniformstories.com

We were tearing down an old three-seater outhouse when my neighbor asked if she could have the single-plank, three-hole outhouse seat. I said sure. Six months later, she invited me to her home. There she showed off her newly designed family room, complete with a single-plank, three-hole picture frame featuring her three grandchildren. d. r., via mail

Have you ever been a victim 
of a JIB (job interview breakdown)? These men and women have: • “I was so nervous at a job interview, when he asked me what I wanted to be in five years, I said, ‘Race car driver.’” • “The guy asked me to tell him 
a little about myself, and I literally forgot who I was.” • “I got asked about punctuality. 
I went on about how it was good 
to speak clearly and politely, and 
it was nice to use proper grammar 
in speech and writing.” Source: dailymail.co.uk

My friend, an intern, was given $50 to get the chairman of the bank some lunch. Told to get himself something, he bought a shirt. Source: storify.com

Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!” @ElizaBayne

When my three-year-old was told 
to pee in a cup at the doctor’s office, he unexpectedly got nervous. With 
a shaking voice, he asked, “Do I have to drink it?” Janet Frenyea, Walkersville, Maryland

The photographer was positioning my new husband and me for 
our wedding photos when he asked, “Have you ever modeled?” My cheeks instantly turned red. “No, I haven’t,” I said. “But I always thought …” The photographer interrupted me: “I meant him.” Joanne Noffke, Oak Forest, Illinois

My high school assignment 
was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served 
in the Philippines during the war, 
I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, “Did you ever kill anyone?” Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, “Probably. I was the cook.” Marian Babula, Penn Run, Pennsylvania

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship. Comedian Dick Gregory

My wife, a phlebotomist at the Denver VA hospital, entered a patient’s room to draw blood. Noticing an apple on his nightstand, she 
remarked, “An apple a day keeps 
the doctor away, right?” “That’s true,” he agreed. “I haven’t seen a doctor in three days.” Larry Jensen, Englewood, Colorado

My colleague has been living 
in this country only a few months, 
and although normally chipper, he recently looked sad. When I asked what was wrong, he responded glumly, “Today, everything wrong is going in my favor.” Bacchus Johnson, Charlotte, North Carolina

“Patient in to ER at 0400 with no complaints: ‘I have been having chest pain for 4 months but I am not having chest pain now. The reason I’m here now is because I heard that 4am is the best time to come cause there are not that many people.’ ” “Had a woman call 911 because she ‘had déjà vu in the shower and got nervous.’” “Got a frantic call from a woman who claimed she had overdosed and needed help immediately. We arrive on scene, and she hands us an empty mint container, saying she took them all. That night she learned that you cannot overdose on mints.” Source: Overheard in the ER

My boss and I took a job applicant to lunch, where we tried, with little success, to get him to open up about his experience and qualifications. Frustrated, my boss set his salad aside and proposed a specific and complex situation to the young man, then asked, “What would you do?” The applicant hesitated, then, looking my boss straight in the eye, said, “Are you going to eat all those tomatoes?” John Richman, Webster, New York

A conference call is the best way for a dozen people to say “bye” 300 times. @DamienFahey

• I’m employed at a computer security company and have a colleague whose name is M. Alware. His e-mail address is [email protected]. • My ex-boss’s name is R. Stone. His e-mail was [email protected]. • My name is James Pan. Every other permutation of my name was taken (e.g., jpan, jamesp), so I’m stuck with [email protected]. From quora.com

I have a question.     =     I have 18 questions. I’ll look into it.     =     I’ve already forgotten about it. I tried my best.     =     I did the bare minimum. Happy to discuss further.     =     Don’t ask me about this again. No worries.     =     You really messed up this time. Take care.     =     This is the last you’ll ever hear from me. Cheers!     =     I have no respect for you or myself! Source: thecooperreview.com

The Revenant (2015). 
An epic tale of one man’s desperate journey to 
do whatever it takes to 
finally win an Oscar. @badbanana (Tim Siedell)

Luke Skywalker is my favorite hero that looks 100 percent prepared to figure skate at all times. @thenatewolf (Nathan Usher)

If growing up in the ’80s taught me one thing, it’s that my friends and I should have found a treasure map by now. @LizHackett

Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears, you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this, now?” @KarenKilgariff

Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions. @SCbchbum (Erica)

The party’s host paid me a great compliment. “You are a good-looking woman,” he said. “Honest—I’ve had only one beer.” My glow was only slightly dimmed when my husband interjected, “Imagine how great she’ll look after two.” Rosemary Tomy, Tucson, Arizona

I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight. “Was anything wrong with them?” the clerk asked. “Yes,” I said. “They hurt my 
feelings.” A. P., via e-mail

Drama: a word boring people use 
to describe fun people. @jennyandteets (Jenny Mollen)

Police in Tampa, Florida, raided and shut down a weekly $4-a-round mah-jongg game played by four 
elderly women. The Week asked its readers for titles of crime movies that could be made about this bust: Golden Girls, Interrupted The Lavender Hair Mob Indicting Miss Daisy No Country for Old Women The Social Security Network