Q. How much room should you give fungi to grow? A. As mushroom as possible.

The skeleton ordered a cabernet wine with a full body because he didn't have one.

Did you hear about the chemist who was reading a book about helium? He couldn't put it down!

My ceiling isn’t the best… But it’s up there!!!

Q: Why are skeletons so good at chopping down trees? A: They're LUMBARjacks!

How do trees get online? – They just log in.

What did the beach say when the tide came in? ... Long time no sea.

Q: Why are skeletons so calm? A: Because nothing gets under their skin!

Why did the tomato blush? – Because it saw the salad dressing.

The skeleton played a melodic solo riff on his shiny sax-a-bone.

Did you hear about the skeleton that dropped out of medical school? He just didn't have the stomach for it.

I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.

A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. He says, "No, I'm traveling light."

Q: Why do French people eat snails? A: Because they won't touch fast food.

The skeleton cried his eyes out because he didn't have any body to love.

Atom 1: "I think I've lost an electron." Atom 2: "Are you sure?" Atom 1: "I'm positive."

Why are cats bad storytellers? – Because they only have one tale.

Q: What happened to the skeleton who stayed by the fire for too long? A: He became bone dry

Q: What do you call a monster with no neck? A: The Lost Neck Monster.

Q: Why are chemists great for solving problems? A: They have all the solutions.

I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. – What a waste of thyme.

Q: What do you do when life gives you melons? A: See a doctor, because you’re probably dyslexic.

Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy? Skeleton 2: I dunno. Why? Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin.

Did you hear the news about that Chinese restaurant that got vandalized? It was an act of wonton destruction.

Q: Who was the most famous skeleton detective? A: Sherlock Bones

Q: What does a nosy pepper do? A: Gets jalapeño business.

6:30 is the best time on a clock… hands down.

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. – I lost my case.

When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

I wanted to tell a skeleton pun, but I don't have the guts for it.

Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? – It was a grave mistake.

That skeleton sure brought his appetite to the picnic—and also some spare ribs.

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a drink?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.

The skeleton couldn't keep anything tidy because of his lazy bones.

Q: What do you call a dishonest noodle? A: An Impasta.

Q: What is a tornado’s favorite game to play? A: TWISTER

The skeleton didn't like to talk on the rotary skelephone—he preferred his cell bone.

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

Q: If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? A: H2O cubed

Why did the Zen master refuse novocaine when he had his tooth pulled? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Skeletons love to binge-watch their favorite shows on the skelevision.

Q: What did their parents say when they heard that Oxygen and Magnesium were going to get married? A: OMg

Sticks float. They would.

The skeleton couldn't help being afraid of the storm—he just didn't have any guts.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

Every Sunday, the skeleton plays his organ for the congregation.

Once I told a Chemistry joke. There was no Reaction.

In ancient Rome, deli workers were told that they could eat anything they wanted during the lunch hour. Anything, that is except the smoked salmon. Thus were created the world's first anti-lox breaks.

Q: What does the skeleton chef say when he serves you a meal? A: "Bone Appetit!"

Q: What happened to the pirate ship that sank in the sea full of sharks? A: It came back with a skeleton crew!

Q: What would you call a funny element? A: He he he (helium helium helium)

The favored historical ruler of skeletons is none other than Napoleon Bone-a-part.

Skeletons are great at stand-up comedy—when they use their funny bone.

Skeletons serve tea and coffee on bone china—watch out for chips!

Q: Why didn’t the skeleton dance at the Halloween party? A: He had no body to dance with!

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

Q: How often do you like jokes about elements? A: Periodically

The favorite mode of travel for skeleton pilots is—wait for it—the scareplane or the skelecopter.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

The one instrument that the skeleton can play better than others is the trom-bone.

I work in a paper factory, where my responsibilities are twofold.

Last week I called someone a watering hole but I meant well.

There are two skeleton teachers at school. One is humerus, but the other is very sternum.

Q:  Mummy, why do all the other kids call me a hairy werewolf? A:  Now stop talking about that and brush your face!

Q:  What did one thirsty vampire say to the other as they were passing the morgue? A:  Let’s stop in for a cool one!

Q:  How can you tell if a vampire has a horrible cold? A:  By his deep loud coffin!

Q:  What do skeletons say before eating? A:  Bone Appetit!

Q:  Why did the vampire get fired from the blood bank? A:  He was caught drinking on the job!

Q:  What is a vampire’s pet peeve? A:  A Tourniquet!