Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

A guy that just had 4 shots of espresso!

A guy th—

Now you say, “a guy that just had 4 shots of espresso who?”

New word: Procaffeinating (n). - the tendency to not start anything until you’ve had your coffee.

A yawn is just a silent scream for coffee.

Q: Why did the espresso keep checking his watch?

A: Because he was pressed for time.

Did you hear about the cow that gave birth?

It was de-calf-inated.

A man visits his doctor for a checkup. “Doc, I think something’s wrong with my brain,” he says. “Every time I take a sip of coffee I get this stabbing pain in my right eye.”

“I see,” says the doctor. “Have you tried taking the spoon out?”

Q: What do you call sad coffee?

A: Depresso 

Drinking too much espresso can cause a latte problems.

Q: Who is Santa's favorite singer? A: Elf-is Presley.

Q: What do the elves call it when Father Christmas claps his hands at the end of a play? A: Santapplause!

Person 1: Hey Rachyl, do you remember me? Person 2: Wrong number. Person 1: What’s your number then?

Matt: Hey Dr. Park, this is Matt from the Vascular lab. I have an outpatient here with an external iliac occlusion with cold foot pin and numbness that started 3 days ago. What should I do with her? Hannah: Hi, this is Hannah. I think you have the wrong number, but I Googled it and I’m pretty sure u need to put a stent in her left radial artery. Best of luck, Matt! Matt: Sorry, wrong number Hannah. She ended up actually getting a stent. Took about 3 hours longer for trained medical professionals to figure out what took you 3 minutes. Hannah: Yoooo, yall hiring?

Q: What do you say to Santa when he's taking attendance at school? A: Present.

Guy: I’m sorry. I hate when we fight cuz I really like you too and wanna be with you too and everytime we fight I feel like I’m gonna make u lose all the feelings u have for me and I don’t want that cuz I like when you like me back. Girl: I love you too … But who are you?

Mom: How make chicken Daughter: What? Mom: Where buy chicken Daughter: Mom, this isn’t Google. Mom: Avocado

Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens? A: So he can ho-ho-ho.

Daughter: Dad there’s a moth on the outside of the bathroom door. Can you get rid of it? Daughter: Please hurry because I’m going to cry. Daughter: Dad… Daughter: Dad… Dad: Dad is dead. You’re next. Love, Moth

I saw a driver texting and driving. It made me so mad I threw my beer at him.

Q: Why was Santa’s little helper feeling depressed? A: Because he had low elf esteem.

Q:What do you call Kris Kringle when he goes on his wife’s health insurance? A: A dependent Claus. By Sam Benson Smith

Autocorrect has become my worst enema.

An old guy walks into a bar and the bartender asks for ID. "You've got to be kidding," he said. "I'm almost 60 years old." The bartender apologized, but said he had to see the license. The guy showed his ID, then paid and told the bartender to keep the change. "The tip's for carding me," he said. The bartender put the change in the tip cup. "Thanks," he said. "Works every time."

A lizard walks into a bar pushing a baby in a stroller. "What's your kid's name?" asks the bartender. "Tiny," says the lizard. "Because he's my newt."

“Meet my coworker, the Boy Who Cried ASAP.”  

“Um.” —First horse that got ridden  

When my eight-year-old asked how I knew I was pregnant, I told her I had taken a pregnancy test. “Oh,” she said. “What questions were on the test?”

Thanks to autocorrect, 1 in 5 children will be getting a visit from Satan this Christmas.

Analyst: I can give you the numbers, but you can’t go public with it. Marketing Manager: I’m not going to go public with it. I’ll just present it at a meeting. Analyst: Who’s going to be at the meeting? Marketing Manager: It’s a stakeholder meeting. So whoever wants to come. You know, it’s open to the public. From overheardintheoffice.com

"I feel like carp today" "Yeah, you look a little fishy"

When the sergeant told our new commander that his driver could not participate in an upcoming field 
maneuver because she was pregnant, the enraged commander demanded to know just how pregnant she was. The sergeant’s reply: “Completely, sir.”  

Christmas: The time when everyone gets Santamental.

Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where all the fruit is?  

Q: Why did Santa bring 22 reindeer to Walmart? A: Because what he wanted to buy cost around 20 bucks, but just in case it was more, he brought some extra doe.

"I am hungary." "Maybe you should czech the fridge." "I'm russian to the kitchen." "Is there any turkey?" "We have some, but it's covered in greece" "ew, there's norway I'd eat that!"

Q: What kind of bike does Santa Claus ride? A: A Holly Davidson.

Q: What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective? A: Santa Clues!

Q: What nationality is Santa Claus? A: North Polish

Q: What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an ghost? A: A poultrygeist!

Q: Why did the police arrest the turkey? A: They suspected fowl play.

Q: Why did the turkey cross the road twice? A: To prove he wasn't a chicken!

Q: When Santa is on the beach what do the elves call him? A: Sandy Claus

Anyone who thinks "talk is cheap"... obviously didn't pay my daughter's last mobile phone bill!

Q: Why does Santa go down the chimney? A: Because it soots him!

The guy who invented predictive text died last night. His funfair is next monkey.

Q: What happened when the turkey got into a fight? A: He got the stuffing knocked out of him!

Q: What key won't open any door? A: A turkey!

Q: What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when a fire is lit? A: Crisp Kringle.

The guy who invented auto-correct for smart phones passed away today. Restaurant in peace.

Q: What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? A: If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy

Q: What’s Santa’s dog’s name? A: Santa Paws!

Q: What kind of weather does a turkey like? A: Fowl weather!

Q: What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? A: The turkey trot.

Q: If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? A: Goblet.

Q: What’s as big as Santa but weighs nothing? A: Santa’s shadow!

Q: Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving? A: The turkey because he's already stuffed!

Q: What do you call an iPhone that isn't kidding around? A: Dead Siri-ous

Q: Why should you never set the turkey next to the dessert? A: Because he will gobble, gobble it up!

Q: Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? A: Because he wanted to see time fly!

Q: Why was the cell phone wearing glasses? A: It lost its contacts.

Q: What sound does a turkey’s phone make? A: Wing, Wing! Wing, Wing!

Q: Why does Santa have elves in his workshop? A: Because the Seven Dwarfs were busy!

Q: What’s the most musical part of a turkey? A: The drumstick.

Q: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert? A: Peach gobbler!

Q: What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa Claus when she looked up in the sky? A: Looks like rain, dear!

Q: What sound does a limping turkey make? A: Wobble, wobble!

Q: What do you call it when it rains turkeys? A: Fowl weather!

Q: What’s the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? A: The turKEY.

Q: Why can’t you take a turkey to church? A: They use fowl language.

Q: How do you know Santa Claus is good at karate? A: He has a black belt!

Q: What is it called when a turkey fumbles in football? A: A fowl play