Q: Why should you wear glasses during math class?

A: They say it improves division.

When algebra teachers retire, how do they cope with the aftermath?

Old mathematicians never die.

They just disintegrate

I knew a mathematician who couldn't afford lunch.

He could binomial.

Q: What did the mermaid wear to math class?

A: An algae-bra.

Years ago, my dad started first grade in a one-room country school. When he returned home after that first day of class, his mother asked him if he liked it.

Dad answered, “I don’t see any reason to go back to that school, because the teacher had to ask me how to spell cat.”

I advertised the following item on our local radio program:

For sale: Small push-type lawn mower. Brand-new, $40. One person called and asked if the lawn mower was a single or double cylinder. I told him, “It depends on how fast you walk!”

Our 4-year-old granddaughter, Ivy, has been taking riding lessons for over a year. One day during breakfast, she was talking with her mom about horseshoes.

Ivy’s mom said the person trained to shoe a horse is called a farrier. “Are they little people with wings?” Ivy asked.

My wife and her friend were out to lunch when the temperature drastically dropped. They stood by her friend’s truck, shivering, while the friend searched for a key to unlock the door. My wife asked, “Can’t we sit in the truck while you find your keys?”

Natives of Baltimore, Maryland, my wife and I decided to move to the country in southwest 
Virginia for a change of pace. After we made the move, we started to notice little things about our neighbors. One we could not get over was how they gave directions.

When we asked, everyone said to go down yonder and go over yonder and go around yonder. We would say thank you, but when we got into the truck we’d look at each other and ask, “Do you know where yonder is?” So for the first year or so, we drove around in circles. Then the other day, while we were in town shopping, someone asked us for directions. As I told them where to go, it came to me all at once. It took some time, but yeah—now I know where yonder is. And the people there are all right.

When my daughter, Brooxie, was 5 years old, she’d stay with my husband’s parents while we were at work. One day Brooxie was helping Papaw gather eggs.

While putting the eggs into the basket she was carrying, she asked, “Papaw, where do these eggs come from?” Papaw then explained in detail the delicate process of making an egg. Brooxie put her hands on her hips and exclaimed, “Papaw, I don’t eat anything that comes out of a chicken!” And for many years, she didn’t.

Head lice had been detected on a child in the local school, and the teacher told the girls in his class to wear their hair in a bun to discourage the lice.

My grandson, 6-year-old Ryan, asked the teacher, “A hot dog bun or a hamburger bun?”

During a summer ranch tour we were hosting for an elder hostel, our van passed a pasture with a windmill and a herd of cattle around a stock tank.

A lady on the tour said, “Oh, look! This rancher put up a fan to cool the animals!”

My mother was babysitting my son, Lance, and they were watching a foal being born on 
a farm animal show on TV.

With wide-eyed innocence, 3-year-old Lance looked at my mother and said, “Nana, how 
did it get in there?” He’s almost 20 now, and someday I’ll have to tell the story at his wedding.

Ray’s friends claim he’s a baseball nut. He says they’re way off base.

One night as I was putting my 
2 1/2-year-old daughter to bed, 
I saw a bright full moon in the sky. I let her look at the moon for a minute and then asked, “Who made the moon?”

“God,” came her reply. “And the stars?” I asked. Again the answer was, “God.” I continued with a few more questions: Who made the trees, the flowers, etc. Finally I asked, “Who made Daddy?” She said, “Grandma.”

We took our 3-year-old grand-son, Sawyer, and his parents to 
a Chinese restaurant. While we enjoyed our wonton soup and other dishes, Sawyer and his dad wanted to eat their meals with chopsticks.

Sawyer was having difficulty getting the rice between the sticks and frantically said, “I can’t get anything on these tweezers!”

With the economy improved, 
my son, Pat, finally found a job in electrical engineering. Pat traveled to various locales to analyze and fix problems with his company’s equipment. Yet it frustrated him that his employer gave him little training.

One day Pat heard about some training classes coming up and asked if he might attend. “Oh, sure,” his boss said. “You’re going to be the instructor.”

A man told a friend about taking his wife to dinner for their anniversary. He described how the food was made in front of them.

The friend said, “I’ve heard of places like that, what is the name of the restaurant?” The man replied, “Subway.”

Two 10-year-old boys from the mountains were riding a train to the city for the first time.

For a snack, the attendant gave them bananas. The boys had never eaten such a fruit. Billy started to eat his banana, and the train entered a tunnel. He yelled, “Johnny, don’t eat it! 
I took two bites and went blind!”

A few years back, Criseyda, my granddaughter, was visiting me. After a while, the house became very quiet.

Calling out, I said, “Criseyda, where are you?” Her answer: “Mimi, I’m here with the man who has two of everything!” I found her playing with my primitive Noah’s Ark and all the sets of animals. Sure enough, he has two of everything!

The public safety officer came up to a large mob of people outside a department store and asked, “What’s happening?”

A mall officer replied, “These people are waiting to get the new Barbie doll.” The public safety officer shook his head and muttered, “Who can resist a Barbie queue?”

My sister Jordan was helping my 21/2-year-old niece Berea put on her sweatshirt when Berea’s head got stuck on the neck hole.

Berea started panicking and saying, “I can’t see! I can’t see!” The shirt quickly slipped over her head, and the panic was gone until her arms got stuck 
on the tight cuffs. The panic returned, and she started crying again. “My fingers can’t see! My fingers can’t see!” she said. It was all we could do not to laugh as Jordan quickly pulled Berea’s arms through the cuffs.

I prepared Thanksgiving dinner for guests from out of town. I cooked for many hours using recipes I’d found. But the turkey, I confess, was not a golden brown. I made a huge mistake and cooked it upside down.

My niece Katrina tailgates other cars and it makes me nervous. I just can’t get it through her head that she does this and that it’s very dangerous. One good thing is that I sometimes find myself drawing closer to the Lord when I ride with her.

My granddaughter told me, 
 “Don’t buy brown eggs; they’re not ripe yet.”

Q: Which dog breed chases anything that's red?

A: A bull dog

Q: What do you do when a dog eats your English homework?

A: Take the words right out of its mouth!

Q: What do you get when you cross a cocker spaniel, a poodle, and a rooster?

A: A cockerpoodledoo!

Q: Why did the tree think the dog was talking to him?

A: He kept saying “bark, bark, bark!”

Q: What do dogs study for their PhDs? 

A: Barkeology 

Q: What’s the difference between a dog and a marine biologist? 

A: One wags a tail and the other tags a whale. 

Q: Why aren’t dogs good dancers?

A: Because they have two left feet!

Q: What kind of dog does Dracula have?

A: A bloodhound!

Q: What did the Dalmatian say after he had some kibble?

A: That hit the spot!

Q: What’s a dog’s favorite late-night TV host?

A: Canine O’Brien

Q: What’s a chihuahua’s favorite Christmas carol?

A: Fleas Navidad

I wanted to see a bunch of different animals at the zoo, but all they had was one small dog.

It was a shih-tzu.

Q: What do you call a dog who does magic tricks?

A: A Labracadabrador

My buddy said he threw a stick 20 miles, but his dog still found it and retrieved it.

I dunno… sounds a little far fetched to me.

Q: Did you hear about the dog who had puppies on the side of the road?

A: She was arrested for littering.

Q: Why shouldn’t you let kids watch big band performances on TV?

A: Too much sax and violins.

Q: What is Beethoven doing now?

A: De-composing

Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft?

A: A-flat minor

Q: What happens if you play a county song backwards?

A: Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.

Q: What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?

A: New Age music.

Q: Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?

A: To get away from the noise.

Q: Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?

A: For the lute.

There are so many jokes about classical composers I could write you a Liszt.

Q: Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?

A: All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach.”

Q: What was Beethoven’s favorite fruit?

A: BA-NA-NA-NAAAAA!

Q: Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?

A: He was Haydn

Q: Why didn’t Handel go shopping?

A: Because he was Baroque.

Wanna hear a joke about a staccato?

Never mind, it’s too short.

Q: How do you fix a broken tuba?

A: With a tuba glue.

Q: How do you make a bandstand?

A: Take away their chairs.

I’m so sick of people thinking they can just waltz into my room when I’m listening to music in 4/4.

Q: How are trumpets like pirates?

A: They both murder in the high C’s

Q: Which musical genre makes balloons terrified?

A: Pop.

Q: What’s the difference between a piano and a tuna?

A: You can tune a piano, but you can’t piano a tuna.

A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”

C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.

The bartender shows them the door and says, “Sorry, we don’t serve minors.”

Q: How did the hipster burn his tongue?

A: He drank his coffee before it was cool.

Q: How does Moses make his coffee?

A: He brews.

Q: What do you call it when someone steals your morning coffee?

A: A mugging.

Q: What’s the technical name for a pot of coffee at work?

A: Break fluid

Q: What do you call it when you walk into a cafe you’re sure you’ve been to before?

A: Déjà brew

Q: What did the Brazilian coffee say to the Indonesian coffee?

A: “What’s Sumatra with you?”

A tall blonde walks into Starbucks. The barista says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!”

The blonde says, “You have a drink named Tiffani?”

A pair of jumper cables walk into a cafe. The barista sees them and says, “I’m sorry but I’ll have to ask you to leave. I don’t want you starting anything in here.”