Jokes
Looking for funny jokes? Settle in: You're in the right place. From clean knock-knock jokes and the top corny jokes to hilarious one-liners and clever riddles, we've got the jokes guaranteed to bring on serious laughs.
Santa’s in Debt
Christmas Cut
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Jingle, Rinse, and Spin
Holiday Half Bath
Santa Is A Punk Rocker
Soul Santa
The Backboard Blues
I was teaching my 3-year-old granddaughter, Taylor, how to shoot baskets on her child-sized basketball hoop. After missing three shots in a row, she gave me the ball and said, “Grandma, this thing doesn’t work!”
Grandma Knows Best
When our son was young, his grandma joked about the Sandman and how he put kids to sleep by sprinkling “sleepy sand” in their eyes. Later that day I found Chico napping with his head in a cardboard box. When I asked him why, he said he wasn’t going to let anyone put sand in his eyes. I couldn’t convince him it was a fairy tale, because Grandma wouldn’t lie!
Musical Mayhem
When my grandson Gavin was 4 years old, he loved to “play” the piano. Once, when he was done, we forgot to close the lid to the keys. As we walked by later he said, “I better close the piano or the boogeyman will play some scary songs.”
Dance Lesson
Some time ago, my daughter Nori was writing an essay she called, “It Takes Two to Tangle.” I tried explaining to her that the saying is actually about the tango, a very intricate dance. But I guess it is true that the two dancers may tangle if they don’t watch their steps.
A Fishing Fiasco
My son Ryan was 2 years old when his daddy took him out to the little trout pond we built in our backyard. His dad spent a few minutes showing Ryan how to throw the line in the water to catch a fish. Then he said, “OK, son, throw it in.” Ryan threw the entire pole into the water.
Fence Sitting
Living on a farm all his life, my dad was used to climbing over fences. The quickest way was to place both hands on the top rail and bound over it. He learned to always look before leaping when, one day, a five-foot snake, sunning itself along the top rail, rose up to meet him as he used his climbing method!
Backseat Driver
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed and lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus and drove up over the curb, stopping inches from a large window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then the driver quietly said, “Please don’t do that! You scared the daylights out of me.” The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn’t realize a tap on the shoulder could startle someone so much—to which the driver replied, “It’s really not your fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I’ve been driving a hearse for 25 years.”
Computer Commute
A Ribbiting Story
When I was teaching kindergarten and had a cold, I would often get laryngitis with it. One day a student asked me, “Do you have a frog in your nose?”
When I was teaching kindergarten and had a cold, I would often get laryngitis with it. One day a student asked me, “Do you have a frog in your nose?”
Farm Language
Marrying into an established farm family has provided quite the education. I anticipated the long hours. I anticipated the hard work. I even anticipated the laundry room piled with mountains of farm clothes that, based on the stench, I didn’t know if I could salvage. What caught me completely off guard was how to speak the language.
Take, for example, field names. If I had a degree in agriculture, it still wouldn’t help me figure out what field is what. It took years not to get sweaty palms every time I needed to deliver parts, lunch or coffee to a field! In Green House field, it turns out the green house was painted blue decades ago. And it’s not even close to the local flower nursery, much to my surprise—and borne out by my excess mileage. Big Oak field hasn’t had an oak since who knows when, but it’s still remembered by it! “Must have been some oak tree,” I’ve mumbled under my breath. One day I was walking the dog down our country road and stopped to shoot the breeze with one of the farmers I hadn’t met before. But when I said “Hello, Mr. Strippy,” I soon found out his nickname has nothing to do with his given name, but everything to do with planting crops in strips. Who knew?
My Hurry-up Hairdo
Getting two young children and myself dressed and ready for church was challenging. As we rushed out the door, I knew it was going to be a close call getting there on time. The usher greeted me and quickly guided me toward the front row. Once seated, I immediately felt like I was being watched.
After what felt like eternity but was only a few minutes, a lady tapped me on the shoulder and said, “Do you realize you have curlers in your hair?” I had rushed out so fast I forgot about the curlers. Needless to say, I was so embarrassed I felt like crawling under the seat. Now I check the back of my head before leaving home, and I sit in the back of the church.
Critter Commotion
As I was driving the other day, I saw a sign on a business that read “Whistlepig Alley Antiques.” It reminded me of an event that happened many years ago when I was living in the community of Granny Squirrel, near Andrews, North Carolina.
While watching TV one day, I heard strange sounds. I tried to not overreact, but in my mind I thought it could be ghosts, or that maybe I was hearing things. The noise was the craziest high-pitched whistling sound. That went on for a week; then one day my landlord told me three groundhogs had crawled under the home. Now I know why Appalachian folks call them whistle pigs. Once you hear groundhogs "speaking," you will never forget it.
Paint Diet
How Sweet
Grapes of Wrath
He’s In the Grave-y
Thirst Quencher
Whatta Ham
Clam Up
Emotional Wedding
The Garnish King
Egg-cellent
Let’s Toast
Better Latte Than Never
funny hot dog
Milking It
Thyme to Laugh
Bananaphiles
Pricey Candy
Pancakes Vs. Waffles
Perfect Candy Canes
Vegetarian Diss
Snowman’s Savings
Coming Soon
Mom and Dad told Julia, our granddaughter, that she was going to have a baby sister or brother. “It’s a secret and we don’t tell secrets,” they said.
In Sunday school class, Julia’s teacher asked if anyone had a prayer request. Julia said, “I don’t tell secrets, but it’s going to be born next summer.”
One Day at a Time
While our great-granddaughters were getting ready for bed on Christmas Eve, Molly had a loose tooth that she wanted to pull.
Addison said, “Don’t you dare pull that tooth out tonight because the Tooth Fairy wants to be with her family.” Molly waited until Christmas to pull her tooth.
A Fresh Start
Not So Hot Lunch
My grandson picked up his son, Graham, after work and asked him what he had for lunch.
Graham said, “Cold.” Turns out, they had chili.
My grandson picked up his son, Graham, after work and asked him what he had for lunch.
Graham said, “Cold.” Turns out, they had chili.
Kung Fu Santa
Circus Comes to Church
Good Grooming
Catch Me If You Can
Pack a Lunch
While walking along a trail, my 7-year-old grandson, Ryan, commented, “There’s a fork in the road back there.”
“Really?” I asked, imagining someone’s missing silverware. But then a thought occurred to me. “Oh, was it a plastic one?” Laughing hysterically, Ryan said, “No, Grandma, it’s where the road splits in two!”
Funny Mutt
A Crunchy Canine?
My 7-year-old, Ethan, was excited about his turn for show-and-tell coming up. He asked if he could bring our dog. Ethan has a classmate who has severe allergies to nuts, and I wanted to be sure his friend wasn’t affected by nonfood allergies. “Is your classmate allergic to dogs?” I asked. Ethan replied, “I don’t know. Do dogs have nuts in them?”
Playground Rules
Last year my youngest granddaughter, Samantha Grace, started kindergarten. After a few days, she came home and said, “Grandpa, I learned the slide rule today.” I was happy to hear that she was learning something new and really pleased it was about math. I asked her to explain it, and she said, “Only one kid on the slide at a time.”
So much for math!
Talk About Drained
After a long Thanksgiving Day of eating and playing, my 3-year-old granddaughter asked her mother to carry her. When I asked if her legs were broken, Aislin said, “Yes, they’re out of batteries.”
Don’t Squish the Squash!
One fall day my daughter, Mia, and her boys were walking in the garden so she could show them the autumn harvest. Making sure they looked where they were stepping, she said, “Watch out for the butternut squash.” My 4-year-old grandson, Sawyer, asked, “Better not squash what?”
A Thorny Subject
Our 8-year-old granddaughter Raven, a city girl, asked to help me cook. “Get some potatoes out of that red basket,” I said. The potatoes were starting to sprout but were still usable. She hurried over to the basket but didn’t come back. I looked that way and saw that she was just standing there. “Raven, are you going to get those potatoes?” I asked.
Looking a bit bewildered, she replied, “Grandma, did you know your potatoes have thorns?”
Quill Question
A grandpa told his grandson that ballpoint pens hadn’t yet been invented when he was a boy. “Was that back when they used feathers?” the child asked.
A grandpa told his grandson that ballpoint pens hadn’t yet been invented when he was a boy. “Was that back when they used feathers?” the child asked.
Agriculture Class
My sister is a teacher in our rural district. During afternoon class, she had a flyswatter hanging out of her back pocket. One of her students said “she looked like she was fixin’ to show a hog”!
Learning About Letters
“I would like vitamins for my son,” a mother said. “Vitamin A, B or C?” the pharmacist asked. “It doesn’t matter,” the mother replied. “He can’t read yet.”
“I would like vitamins for my son,” a mother said. “Vitamin A, B or C?” the pharmacist asked. “It doesn’t matter,” the mother replied. “He can’t read yet.”
Not for Sale
My wife noticed an interesting home advertised in the local paper and decided to visit the open house. Upon arrival she thought it strange that there was no “for sale” sign, but the front door was unlocked, so she walked in. A man was sleeping on the living room couch, and a woman stepped around the corner with a dishtowel in her hands. The man awoke and the three of them stared at each other with surprise. My wife, realizing her mistake, blurted out, “I guess this isn’t the open house,” and retreated to her car as the man and woman watched her through a window. Looking over her notes, she realized she was on 12th Place instead of 12th Street. Embarrassed and rattled, she drove home without viewing the open house.
Caller ID
A couple was expecting a baby. On the way to the hospital, the parents-to-be realized they were not going to make it in time, so the man called 911 for an ambulance to meet them. The operator asked if this was the woman’s first child, and the man said, “No, this is her husband.”
Golden Years
At his birthday party, my grandson said, “I love you,” and I replied, “I love you, too.” Then he said, “I wish you were 5 years old like me so you would be around longer.”
Another Man’s Treasure
Asked by the teacher to give the definition of a yard sale, my niece Melissa, then 14, said, “It’s stuff you sell to neighbors and friends because they don’t have enough junk of their own.”
Breakfast Buffet
When we saw a mare nursing her colt, my daughter Jennifer asked me what the horse was doing. I explained that the mare was giving the colt some milk. After thinking for a moment, Jennifer said, “What does she do if he wants juice?”
Winter Dogs
Return to Sender
I was picking up my letters at the post office when I heard a boy ask his mother if they had gotten any mail. She said, “No, just bills.” Then he asked, “Why do we always get his mail?”
A New Angle
Q: How do you stay warm in an empty room?
A: Go stand in the corner—it’s always 90 degrees.
Q: How do you stay warm in an empty room?
A: Go stand in the corner—it’s always 90 degrees.
Drowned in Data
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing a river?
It was three feet deep, on average.
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing a river?
It was three feet deep, on average.
A Negative Number
Q: Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?
A: Because it's two gross.
Q: Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?
A: Because it's two gross.
Show Your Work
Monster Math
An Upsetting Trend
I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper.
I think he must be plotting something.
I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper.
I think he must be plotting something.
When Mathematicians Drink
Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, "Give me a beer."
The second says, "I'll have a half a beer."
The third says, "A quarter of a beer, please."
The bartender pours two beers and says, "Come on, people. Know your limits."
An Odd Joke
Q: Why do teenagers always travel in groups of 3, 5, or 7?
A: Because they can’t even.
Q: Why do teenagers always travel in groups of 3, 5, or 7?
A: Because they can’t even.