Jokes
Looking for funny jokes? Settle in: You're in the right place. From clean knock-knock jokes and the top corny jokes to hilarious one-liners and clever riddles, we've got the jokes guaranteed to bring on serious laughs.
Caveman Love
Vampire Love
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Squirrel Gifts
Telephone Love
In Jail for Love
Fire Hazard
Single on Valentine’s Day
A Painter’s Love
A Farmer’s Love
Cupid Shuffle
That’s How It Works, Right?
Shocklates
Valentine’s Day Envelope
Illuminate Me
Sick Love
It Ain’t Duff.
Served In A Chilled, Wooly Mug.
Johann Sebastian Barkeep
CVS Bar & Grill
A Hairy Situation
Get This Party Started
Take the Floor
Around the World
Old Trick, New Dog
Grandpa’s Helper
My 6-year-old grandson, William, loves trains. One day I was asking him the names of different parts of an old steam engine. He told me, “That’s a cowcatcher,” and I asked him what it was used for. He said, “It’s to catch cows and scoot them off the tracks so Grandpa doesn’t have to chase them away.”
Princess Calves
I took our 4-year-old granddaughter, Halle, to the corral on pregnancy testing day to watch as the veterinarian did ultrasounds on our cows. After a positive test, the vet shouted out, “Call it good!” I explained to Halle this meant there was a baby in the cow’s tummy. She replied, “I don’t want to call the baby Good; I want to call it Queen Elsa.”
Fresh From the Farm
The first time my husband and I took our 3-year-old son to visit his grandma in Arkansas, he went with her to gather eggs. The next morning, he watched her fry some up for breakfast and put them on his plate. He looked at me and said in a serious tone, “Mama, these eggs came from chickens!”
Birthday Surprise
My granddaughter was discussing the expected arrival of a new brother for her 4-year-old son, Matthew. She told Matthew that you can’t predict the exact date of birth. “You were expected on Aug. 19,” she said, “but arrived on Aug. 11.” Matthew thought for a moment and then said, “Oh! I’m so lucky I was born on my birthday!”
Rejected Recipe
We were sitting at the table for a meal and my wife and sister were discussing recipes. When a dump cake was suggested, my 4-year-old daughter, Hannah, announced, “Yuck! That has trash in it!”
Mechanical Kid
When my grandson, Jimmy, was 4 or 5, we asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up. “I want to be a machine,” he said without hesitation. When we asked him why, he explained, “Well, you can replace the parts in a machine when they wear out.”
Galaxy Fixer-Upper
One night when my son Patrick was 2 years old, he looked up at a half moon and said, “Moon broken.” The next time there was a full moon in the sky, he looked up and said, “Moon fixed now.”
Well-Done Woes
Several years ago, our grandson Andrew slept at our house overnight. For breakfast I made pancakes, and I gave him one that was browner than the others. He told me he didn’t want that one because it was too ripe.
Stay-at-Home Kid
One day when my son David was 5 years old, he informed me that he no longer wanted to go to day care because the other kids were all babies. He said he was a big boy and could stay home alone while I worked. So I asked him, “Who will make your lunch? You can’t reach the stove.”
He quickly replied, “I’ll make a salad.”
Growing Up Gradually
My great-granddaughter Brylee was playing horse with her pappy one night. As she was sitting on his back, he asked her how old she was. Brylee said, “Pappy, you know I’m 3.”
“When will you be 4?” he asked. “When I get through being 3,” she explained.
Just Roll With It
When my daughter Mandy was 31/2, we went to visit my grandma in the nursing home. Mandy was trying to talk to a wheelchair-bound resident but was getting little response from her. So she decided to end the conversation by looking down at the wheelchair and exclaiming, “Nice wheels!”
Which Little Piggy?
Recently my wife and I were watching our grandsons, ages 3 and 4. The older boy, Owen, fell while he was playing and said, “I hurt my toe.” When I asked him which toe, he hesitated for a few seconds before replying, “the one that goes to market.”
Calories In, Calories Out
I’m not interested in any diet plan unless it lets me use rollover calories.—@sbellelauren
I’m not interested in any diet plan unless it lets me use rollover calories.—@sbellelauren
Losing It
My snack got lost in my purse, so I guess I’m on a diet now.—@msgweni
My snack got lost in my purse, so I guess I’m on a diet now.—@msgweni
Nacho Normal Diet
The only difference in my life when I’m on a diet is instead of saying, “I ate nachos,” I say, “I accidentally ate nachos.”—@behindyourback
The only difference in my life when I’m on a diet is instead of saying, “I ate nachos,” I say, “I accidentally ate nachos.”—@behindyourback
Never Say Diet
"If you lose weight when you stop drinking Diet Coke imagine how much we’d lose if we stopped dieting."—@JimGaffigan
"If you lose weight when you stop drinking Diet Coke imagine how much we’d lose if we stopped dieting."—@JimGaffigan
Love You From Afar
My fitness coach told me to bend down and touch my toes. I said, “I don’t have that kind of relationship with my feet. Can I just wave?” —@KerryKatona7
My fitness coach told me to bend down and touch my toes. I said, “I don’t have that kind of relationship with my feet. Can I just wave?” —@KerryKatona7
Quit While You’re Ahead
It took a lot of will power. But I finally gave up dieting.
It took a lot of will power. But I finally gave up dieting.
Table for Two
Most people gain weight by having intimate dinners for two…alone. —"Laugh Yourself Healthy," by Charles Hunter
Most people gain weight by having intimate dinners for two…alone. —"Laugh Yourself Healthy," by Charles Hunter
Can’t Hide
Gut Dysbiosis
Definition of Calories: Tiny creatures colonizing your closet. They sew your clothes a little bit tighter every night.
Definition of Calories: Tiny creatures colonizing your closet. They sew your clothes a little bit tighter every night.
It’s not my fault!
Nothing but the Truth
Just dreaming…
Time to Diet
Purse Snatcher’s Diet Tips
Hey, Lady! Want to drop 5 pounds? Let go of the purse.
Hey, Lady! Want to drop 5 pounds? Let go of the purse.
Weighing Your Options
I did it!
Stop Those Cravings
Cannibal Diet
If you are what you eat … I need to eat a skinny person.
If you are what you eat … I need to eat a skinny person.
Hot New Diet
A Dieter’s Favorite Celebrity
In the middle
Have You Heard of the Garlic Diet?
Yippee Ki Yay
Autocorrect Fail
Breakfast of Champions
Healthy as a Horse
Diet Day 1
Giving Up Is Tasty
Good News!
Snack Attack
If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?
If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?
Bad M&Ms
No Pants? No Problem.
The Easiest Way to Spot a Dieter
Portion Control
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.