Q: What was the terracotta figurine’s favorite superfood?
A: Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia Seeds.
-By Sam Benson Smith-
Jokes
Looking for funny jokes? Settle in: You're in the right place. From clean knock-knock jokes and the top corny jokes to hilarious one-liners and clever riddles, we've got the jokes guaranteed to bring on serious laughs.
Coffee Lover’s Dream
What's the perfect thing to say to a coffee-lover on Valentine's Day?
"Words cannot espresso what you mean to me."
What's the perfect thing to say to a coffee-lover on Valentine's Day?
"Words cannot espresso what you mean to me."
Any Volunteers?
I don't need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap the unhealthy foods out of my hand.
I don't need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap the unhealthy foods out of my hand.
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Cannoli Gift
I gave my girlfriend a cannoli for Valentine's Day.
When she asked why, I said, "I cannoli be happy when I'm with you."
I gave my girlfriend a cannoli for Valentine's Day.
When she asked why, I said, "I cannoli be happy when I'm with you."
Expensive Date
What's the difference between a $20 steak and a $55 steak? February 14th.
What's the difference between a $20 steak and a $55 steak? February 14th.
Empty Words
"Wow, that Lean Cuisine really filled me up," said no one ever.
"Wow, that Lean Cuisine really filled me up," said no one ever.
Valentine’s Day Laugh
Do you have a date for Valentine's day? Yes, February 14th.
Do you have a date for Valentine's day? Yes, February 14th.
Man Overboard
Q. What is the difference between a girl who is sick of her boyfriend and a sailor who falls into the ocean?
A. One is bored over a man the other is a man overboard.
Q. What is the difference between a girl who is sick of her boyfriend and a sailor who falls into the ocean? A. One is bored over a man the...
Loving Lettuce
Q. Why is lettuce the most loving vegetable?
A. Because it's all heart.
Q. Why is lettuce the most loving vegetable?
A. Because it's all heart.
Thankful Friends
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Frank
Frank who?
Frank you for being my friend!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Frank
Frank who?
Frank you for being my friend!
Emma Loves Candy
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Emma
Emma who?
Emma hoping I get lots of cards on Valentine’s Day!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Emma
Emma who?
Emma hoping I get lots of cards on Valentine’s Day!
Valentine’s Day is Here
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Atlas
Atlas who?
Atlas, it's Valentine’s Day!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Atlas
Atlas who?
Atlas, it's Valentine’s Day!
Pooch Who?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Pooch
Pooch who?
Pooch your arms around me!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Pooch
Pooch who?
Pooch your arms around me!
Olive Lovers
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Olive
Olive who?
Olive you!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Olive
Olive who?
Olive you!
Hop Hop Love
Q: What did the rabbit say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day?
A: Somebunny loves you!
Q: What did the rabbit say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day?
A: Somebunny loves you!
History Lesson
Q: What was the most popular weight-loss trend in the Holy Roman Empire?
A: The Diet of Worms.
-By Sam Benson Smith-
Q: What was the most popular weight-loss trend in the Holy Roman Empire?
A: The Diet of Worms.
-By Sam Benson Smith-
Love as Big as a Whale
Q: What did the whale say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day?
A: Whale you be mine!
Q: What did the whale say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day?
A: Whale you be mine!
Beary Much Love
Q: What did the boy bear say to the girl bear on Valentine’s Day?
A: I love you beary much!
Q: What did the boy bear say to the girl bear on Valentine’s Day?
A: I love you beary much!
And He Just Keeps Going
Q: How does the Energizer bunny stay in shape?
A: The Alkaline diet.
-By Sam Benson Smith-
Q: How does the Energizer bunny stay in shape?
A: The Alkaline diet.
-By Sam Benson Smith-
Buzz Buzz
Q: What did the boy bee say to the girl bee on Valentine’s Day?
A: You are bee-utiful!
Q: What did the boy bee say to the girl bee on Valentine’s Day?
A: You are bee-utiful!
Sheepishly In Love
Q: What did the boy sheep say to the girl sheep on Valentine’s Day?
A: You’re not so baaaa-d!
Q: What did the boy sheep say to the girl sheep on Valentine’s Day?
A: You’re not so baaaa-d!
Frankenstein’s in Love
Q: What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day?
A: Be my Valenstein!
Q: What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day?
A: Be my Valenstein!
Ghostly Love
Q: What did the ghost say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day?
A: Be my Valenslime!
Q: What did the ghost say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day?
A: Be my Valenslime!
Dating Bats
Q: What did the bat say to his girlfriend?
A: You're fun to hang around with.
Q: What did the bat say to his girlfriend?
A: You're fun to hang around with.
Cutting Back on Dessert
Today I bought a cupcake without the sprinkles. Diets are hard.
Today I bought a cupcake without the sprinkles. Diets are hard.
Owl Love
Q: What did the boy owl say to the girl owl on Valentine's Day?
A: Owl be yours!
Q: What did the boy owl say to the girl owl on Valentine's Day?
A: Owl be yours!
Pencil and Paper
Q: What did the pencil say to the paper?
A: I dot my i's on you!
Q: What did the pencil say to the paper?
A: I dot my i's on you!
Pointy Love
Q: Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine?
A: He fell in love with a pin cushion!
Q: Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine?
A: He fell in love with a pin cushion!
Flower Mistake
Q: What kind of flowers do you never give on Valentine's Day?
A: Cauliflowers!
Q: What kind of flowers do you never give on Valentine's Day?
A: Cauliflowers!
A Balanced Diet
Nutritionist: You should eat 1,200 calories a day.
Me: OK, and how many a night?
Nutritionist: You should eat 1,200 calories a day.
Me: OK, and how many a night?
Sweet Chocolate
Q: What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
A: "I'm sweet on you!"
Q: What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
A: "I'm sweet on you!"
Runaway Bride
Q: If your aunt ran off to get married, what would you call her?
A: Antelope.
Q: If your aunt ran off to get married, what would you call her?
A: Antelope.
Singing Ram
Q: What is a ram's favorite song on February 14th?
A: I only have eyes for ewe, dear.
Q: What is a ram's favorite song on February 14th?
A: I only have eyes for ewe, dear.
Priorities
I wanted to work out...but then I wanted to not work out even more.
I wanted to work out...but then I wanted to not work out even more.
Slithering Romance
Q: What did one snake say to the other snake?
A: Give me a little hug and a hiss, honey.
Q: What did one snake say to the other snake?
A: Give me a little hug and a hiss, honey.
Lots of Hands to Hold
Q: What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
A: Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?
Q: What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
A: Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?
Kitty Love
Q. What did the boy cat say to the girl cat on Valentine's Day?
A. You're purrr-fect for me!
Q. What did the boy cat say to the girl cat on Valentine's Day?
A. You're purrr-fect for me!
Tweety Hearts
Q. What did the boy bird say to the girl bird on Valentine's Day?
A. Let me call you Tweet heart!
Q. What did the boy bird say to the girl bird on Valentine's Day?
A. Let me call you Tweet heart!
Know Thyself
I never thought I'd be the type of person who would get up early in the morning to exercise. I was right.
I never thought I'd be the type of person who would get up early in the morning to exercise. I was right.
You Light Me Up
Q: What did the light bulb say to the switch?
A: You turn me on.
Q: What did the light bulb say to the switch?
A: You turn me on.
Tiny Love
Q: What do you call a very small Valentine?
A: A Valentiny!
Q: What do you call a very small Valentine?
A: A Valentiny!
A Ton of Love
Q: What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?
A: I love you a ton!
Q: What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?
A: I love you a ton!
Magnetic Attraction
Q: What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
A: I find you very attractive.
Q: What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
A: I find you very attractive.
Baby Steps
I need to start eating more healthy, but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so it's not there to tempt me anymore.
I need to start eating more healthy, but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so it's not there to tempt me anymore.
Valentine’s Day Dreams
Q: Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?
A: Because he wanted sweet dreams.
Q: Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?
A: Because he wanted sweet dreams.
Buttered Up
Q: What happens when you fall in love with a french chef?
A: You get buttered up.
Q: What happens when you fall in love with a french chef?
A: You get buttered up.
Fruit Date
Q: Why did the banana go out with the prune?
A: Because it couldn't get a date.
Q: Why did the banana go out with the prune?
A: Because it couldn't get a date.
Volcano Romance
Q: What did one volcano say to the other?
A: I lava you.
Q: What did one volcano say to the other?
A: I lava you.
Tough Commute
Sometimes I feel like there isn’t much difference between my commute to work and the Oregon Trail.
Sometimes I feel like there isn’t much difference between my commute to work and the Oregon Trail.
Fictional Adult
I tried to say, "I'm a functional adult," but my phone changed it to "fictional adult," and I feel like that's more accurate.
I tried to say, "I'm a functional adult," but my phone changed it to "fictional adult," and I feel like that's more accurate.
Cupid’s TV Show
Q: What’s Cupid’s favorite superhero TV show?
A: Arrow.
Q: What’s Cupid’s favorite superhero TV show?
A: Arrow.
Trouble in Paradise
My wife is on a tropical food diet, the house is full of the stuff.
It's enough to make a mango crazy.
My wife is on a tropical food diet, the house is full of the stuff.
It's enough to make a mango crazy.
Romantic Fork
Q: What’s the most romantic part of a fork?
A: Its Valen-tines.
Q: What’s the most romantic part of a fork?
A: Its Valen-tines.
Chocolate Sale
Q: What's the best part about Valentines Day?
A: The day after when all the chocolate goes on sale.
Q: What's the best part about Valentines Day?
A: The day after when all the chocolate goes on sale.
Valentine Surprise
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Luke
Luke who?
Luke who got a Valentine!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Luke
Luke who?
Luke who got a Valentine!
Knock Knock Love
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Sherwood
Sherwood who?
Sherwood like to be your Valentine!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Sherwood
Sherwood who?
Sherwood like to be your Valentine!
Vegetable Love
Q: Why is lettuce the most loving vegetable?
A: Because it’s got heart.
Q: Why is lettuce the most loving vegetable?
A: Because it’s got heart.
It’s Going Swimmingly
I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.
I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.
Angels Get Married
Q: What happened when the two angels got married?
A: They lived harpily ever after.
Q: What happened when the two angels got married?
A: They lived harpily ever after.
Party Hard
Q: Why is Valentine’s Day a great day for a party?
A: Because you can party hearty.
Q: Why is Valentine’s Day a great day for a party?
A: Because you can party hearty.
British Romance
Q: What is the most romantic city in England?
A: Loverpool.
Q: What is the most romantic city in England?
A: Loverpool.
How a Chef Shows Affection
Q: What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine’s Day?
A: A hug and a quiche.
Q: What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine’s Day?
A: A hug and a quiche.
Love Birds
Q: What do you call two birds in love?
A: Tweethearts.
Q: What do you call two birds in love?
A: Tweethearts.
Skunks Celebrate Valentine’s Day
Q: Why do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day?
A: Because they’re scent-imental.
Q: Why do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day?
A: Because they’re scent-imental.
Berry Love
Q: What did the blueberry say to his wife on Valentine’s Day?
A: I love you berry much.
Q: What did the blueberry say to his wife on Valentine’s Day?
A: I love you berry much.
I Love Meat
Q: Where do hamburgers take their sweethearts on Valentine’s Day to dance?
A: To the meatball.
Q: Where do hamburgers take their sweethearts on Valentine’s Day to dance?
A: To the meatball.
Electricity
Q: What did the light bulb say to the other light bulb on Valentine’s Day?
A: I love you a watt.
Q: What did the light bulb say to the other light bulb on Valentine’s Day?
A: I love you a watt.
Funny How That Happens
I only seem to remember I want to lose weight after eating 9 cookies.
I only seem to remember I want to lose weight after eating 9 cookies.
A Big Dill
Q: What did the pickle say to the other pickle on Valentine’s Day?
A: You mean a great dill to me.
Q: What did the pickle say to the other pickle on Valentine’s Day?
A: You mean a great dill to me.
Workout of Champions
Q: What’s your favorite exercise?
A: Chewing.
Q: What’s your favorite exercise?
A: Chewing.
School Supplies Love
Q: What did the calculator say to the pencil on Valentine’s Day?
A: You can always count on me.
Q: What did the calculator say to the pencil on Valentine’s Day?
A: You can always count on me.
At a Loss
I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.
I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.
A Drum’s Heart
Q: What did the drum say to the other drum on Valentine’s Day?
A: My heart beats for you.
Q: What did the drum say to the other drum on Valentine’s Day?
A: My heart beats for you.
