Jokes
Looking for funny jokes? Settle in: You're in the right place. From clean knock-knock jokes and the top corny jokes to hilarious one-liners and clever riddles, we've got the jokes guaranteed to bring on serious laughs.
RIP
Waste of Time
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The Very Best Time, Hands Down
Not in Mourning
A Little Off-Balance
Honeydew
Two Knee
Water
Cash
Turnip
Closure
Beets
Godiva
Loaf
Pecan
Chicken Farmer’s Folly
My daughter Pam sent me this message: “Things never to do list. Go grocery shopping and forget you put eggs in your hoodie pocket after collecting them from the chickens, then lean against the meat counter. It makes a mess!”
Student Life or a Wife?
A retired rancher decided to go back to school. He made an appointment with the dean of admissions at a university.
The dean asked him, “Are you pursuing a bachelor’s degree?” The rancher replied, “I want to, but I can’t. I’m still married.”
My Undersized Load
Shortly after we moved to rural South Carolina, we found out Clemson Ag Extension was selling all sorts of berry and fruit trees at great rates. We needed quite a few things because the property we bought was cleared cow pasture and, besides a huge pecan tree, had no other trees on it.
So I ordered blueberry and blackberry bushes and apple, peach and pear trees. When it came time to pick up the order, my friend called to ask if I could pick hers up, too. I told her we’d better take two trucks. When I got to the extension office I was shocked to find the pickup area empty except for some little bundles of twigs tied with string. I asked where my order was and the attendant led me to one of those bundles. They were bare root cuttings, which take up very little space. I could lift mine in one hand. I mentioned to the attendant that I felt silly bringing a truck to pick up the order. It was then that I noticed a man behind me. He ruefully stated, “Don’t feel bad; I brought a trailer.”
Prayer Request
After dinner one night, I asked my son Jimmy to fetch a broom from the back porch so I could sweep the floor. Complaining, he said, “But it’s dark out there. I’m afraid.”
I said to him, “It’s OK, God is with you.” Slowly Jimmy opened the porch door and said, “God, if you’re out there, would you hand me the broom?”
Planting Wisdom
When weeding your garden, there’s an easy way to tell the difference between a weed and a vegetable or flower. Pull on it, and if it doesn’t come up, it’s a weed. But if it comes out easily, it’s not.
Tater-Totter
Front of the Line
I was waiting in a long security line at the airport in Orlando, Florida. People were fussing, moaning and groaning.
I heard a mom say to her son, “It won’t be too long, and you don’t even need to take your shoes off.” The boy replied, “Can we get a fast pass?” I chuckled to myself, thinking they must have just come from Disney World.
An Uphill Battle
While carrying 3-year-old Matthew up the stairs, I told him, “Just think, when you get older you can carry me up the stairs.”
He thought about this and then, with a worried look, he asked, “Will you be any smaller?”
Adventures in Sewing
My 3-year-old grandson, Cruise, has always been impressed with Grandpa’s mighty machines, which include a tractor, an ATV and a snowmobile. One day his mom said to him, “Let’s go to Grandma’s to use her sewing machine.” He quickly responded, “Can I ride it?”
How They Met
Girl on skates. The ice was thin. Then it broke and she fell right in. Boy on bank heard her shout. Jumped right in and helped her out. Now they’re married. Very nice. But first she had to break the ice.
The Answer to Her Prayers
When my granddaughter Keilei was 8, she asked me, “Grandma, does God answer prayers?”
“Yes, he does,” I replied. Then she asked, “Will he give you whatever you ask for?” Again, I replied yes. Then Keilei lifted her arms and yelled, “Thank you, Jesus! Grandma’s getting me a dog!”
Furry Foolery
My dog, Shadow, is smart as a whip, but she sheds like crazy.
One day Shadow brought me a tuft of her black fur. I thought, I wonder where she found that? But I rewarded her with a treat and put the fur in the trash. Later, she traded a second clump of fur for a treat. When she brought me another one, I realized it looked familiar. Sure enough, there was no fur in the trash. Shadow was trading the same tuft for treats. She knew she was busted and innocently put her head on her paws and fell asleep.
Nana Has a lot of Bibles
My nephew asked, “Why does Nana have so many Bibles?” I said, “She’s studying for finals.”
My nephew asked, “Why does Nana have so many Bibles?” I said, “She’s studying for finals.”
I Have a Dieter Inside Me
Get Thrown Out
Fattening Spoon
Chocolate Chip Diet
Don’t Watch Others Eat
Dessert Ditcher
Stick to One Serving
One Day Diet
What do you call a collection of diet jokes?
Diet at the Best Restaurants
Always Getting Older
Birthday Holidays
Don’t Forget Your Wife’s Birthday
Forgetful Dog
Sniffing Dog
A man boards a plane and is seated next to an Air Marshall and his ‘sniffing dog’. Soon, the plane takes off and the Marshall says, “Sniffer, search.” The dog walks along the aisle, and stops next to a woman. He then returns to his seat and puts a paw on the Marshall’s arm.
“Good boy,” says the Marshall.
“What happened?” asks the man.
“That woman is in possession of marijuana. We’ll arrest her when we land.”
Once again, Sniffer searches the aisles. He stops beside a man, then returns to his seat, and places two paws on the Marshall’s arm.
“That man is carrying cocaine,” the Marshall explains.
The dog walks up the aisle again, then races back, jumps into his seat, and poops all over it.
“What’s going on?!” demands the man.
The Marshall nervously replies, “He just found a bomb!”
They Gave Me a Chihuahua
Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day, when they pass by a pub. The first guy says, “Let’s go in there for a pint.” Second guy, says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.” First guy: “Sure they will, just follow my lead.”
He goes up to the pub, and sure enough the doorman says, “I can’t let you in here with that dog.” He replies, “Oh, I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman says, “Ok then, come on in.”
The second guy sees this and does the same thing. He goes up to the pub, and the doorman says, “You can’t come in here with a dog.” He replies, “I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman responds, “You have a chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?” The second guy stops for a second, and exclaims, “They gave me a chihuahua?”
Converting a Bear
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister decide to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.
The priest begins. “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is wrapped in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
Get off the Couch
A poodle and a collie are walking down the street when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend’s having an affair with a German shepherd, and I’m as nervous as a cat.”
“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist,” suggests the collie.
“I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”
Talking Dog
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads, “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.
“So, what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.
“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now, I spend my days reading at a retirement home.”
The guy is flabbergasted, he turns to the owner and asks, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of a dog like that?”
The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that.”
Sick Rats
Dreaming of Gifts
One morning Emma woke up with a start. Her husband Jim asked what was the matter, she told him, "I just had a dream that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight," Jim said.
That evening, Jim home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, Emma opened it - only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams”.
Lots of Letters
Mike walked into a post office just before Valentine's day, he couldn't help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes.
By now Mike's curiosity had got the better of him, and so I asked the man why he was sending all those cards. The man replied, "I'm sending out 500 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asked Mike.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replied.
Gardener in Love
Lights Out to Leave
"You came home early from your date," John observed to his roommate. "What happened?"
"Well," said the flatmate, "after dinner she invited me up to her flat. We had a couple of drinks and she put on some soft music. Then she reached over and turned out the lights."
"So, what next?" asked John, eyebrows raised.
"I can take a hint," said his flatmate. "I came home."
Valentine’s Day Genie
Woman Like Man
Nymphomaniac (nim(p)-fə-ˈmā-nē-yak)
n. A women as obsessed with sex as the average man.
Nymphomaniac (nim(p)-fə-ˈmā-nē-yak)
n. A women as obsessed with sex as the average man.