6:30 is the best time on a clock… hands down.

I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m.  I’m not really a mourning person.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day.  A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Honeydew Honeydew who? Honeydew you want to hear some garden jokes?

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Two knee Two knee who? Two knee fish!

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Water Water who? Water those plants or they're going to die!

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Cash Cash who? No thanks, but I'd love some peanuts!

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Turnip Turnip who? Turnip the volume, I love this song!

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Closure Closure who? Closure mouth while you're chewing!

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Beets Beets who? Beets me!

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Godiva Godiva who? Godiva terrible headache, do you have an aspirin? 

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Loaf Loaf who? I don't just like bread, I loaf it.

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Pecan Pecan who? Pecan somebody your own size!

My daughter Pam sent me 
this message: “Things never 
to do list. Go grocery shopping and forget you put eggs in your hoodie pocket after collecting them from the chickens, then lean against the meat counter. 
It makes a mess!”

A retired rancher decided 
to go back to school. He made an appointment with the dean of admissions at a university.

The dean asked him, “Are you pursuing a bachelor’s degree?” The rancher replied, “I want to, but I can’t. I’m still married.”

Shortly after we moved to rural South Carolina, we found out Clemson Ag Extension was selling all sorts of berry and fruit trees at great rates. We needed quite a few things because the property we bought was cleared cow pasture and, besides a huge pecan tree, had no other trees on it.

So I ordered blueberry and blackberry bushes and apple, peach and pear trees. When it came time to pick up the order, my friend called to ask if I could pick hers up, too. I told her we’d better take two trucks. When I got to the extension office I was shocked to find the pickup area empty except for some little bundles of twigs tied with string. I asked where my order was and the attendant led me to one of those bundles. They were bare root cuttings, which take up very little space. 
I could lift mine in one hand. I mentioned to the attendant that I felt silly bringing a truck to pick up the order. It was then that I noticed a man behind me. He ruefully stated, “Don’t feel bad; I brought a trailer.”

After dinner one night, I asked my son Jimmy to fetch a broom from the back porch so I could sweep the floor. Complaining, 
he said, “But it’s dark out there. I’m afraid.”

I said to him, “It’s OK, God is with you.” Slowly Jimmy opened the porch door and said, “God, if you’re out there, would you hand me the broom?”

When weeding your garden, there’s an easy way to tell the difference between a weed and a vegetable or flower. Pull on it, and if it doesn’t come up, it’s a weed. But if it comes out easily, it’s not.

While passing by a park, my son Zach 
shouted, “Look, Mom! A tater-totter!”

I was waiting in a long security line at the airport in Orlando, Florida. People were fussing, moaning and groaning.

I heard a mom say to her son, “It won’t be too long, and you don’t even need to take your shoes off.” The boy replied, “Can we get a fast pass?” I chuckled to myself, thinking they must have just come from Disney World.

While carrying 3-year-old Matthew up the stairs, I told him, “Just think, when you get older you can carry me up the stairs.”

He thought about this and then, with a worried look, he asked, “Will you be any smaller?”

My 3-year-old grandson, Cruise, has always been impressed with Grandpa’s mighty machines, which include a tractor, an ATV and a snowmobile. One day his mom said to him, “Let’s go to Grandma’s to use her sewing machine.” He quickly responded, “Can I ride it?”

Girl on skates. The ice was thin. Then it broke and she fell right in. Boy on bank heard her shout. Jumped right in and helped her out. Now they’re married. Very nice. But first she had to break the ice.

When my granddaughter Keilei was 8, she asked me, “Grandma, does God answer prayers?”

“Yes, he does,” I replied. Then she asked, “Will he give you whatever you ask for?” Again, I replied yes. Then Keilei lifted her arms and yelled, “Thank you, Jesus! Grandma’s getting me a dog!”

My dog, Shadow, is smart as a whip, but she sheds like crazy.

One day Shadow brought me a tuft of her black fur. I thought, I wonder where she found that? But I rewarded her with a treat and put the fur in the trash. Later, she traded a second clump of fur for a treat. When she brought me another one, 
I realized it looked familiar. Sure enough, there was no fur in the trash. Shadow was trading the same tuft for treats. She knew she was busted and innocently put her head on her paws and fell asleep.

My nephew asked, “Why does Nana have so many Bibles?” I said, “She’s studying for finals.”

Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out.

A great way to lose weight is to eat while you are naked and standing in front of a mirror.  Restaurants will always throw you out before you can eat too much.

The most fattening thing that you can put in an ice cream sundae is the spoon.

Chocolate chips are fattening, about 50 calories a tablespoon.  However, chocolate chips eaten while making chocolate chip cookies have no calories whatsoever.  Therefore make chocolate chip cookies often but don't eat them.

The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat.  It's watching what other people eat.

Do you call a person who has abandoned their diet a desserter?

Never go back for seconds... get it all the first time.

A funny thing with a diet, the second day of a diet is always easier than the first.  By the second day you're off it.

Is it true that a collection of jokes about dieting can be referred to as: 'a binge of jokes'?

Did you hear about the gourmet who avoids unfashionable restaurants because he doesn't want to gain weight in the wrong places?

Q: What goes up and never comes down? A: Your age!

Q: What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common? A: They were all born on holidays.

Q: What's the easiest way to remember your wife's birthday? A: Forget it once!

A dog walks into a butcher shop and the butcher asks, “What do you want?” The dog points to steak in a glass case. “How many pounds?” The dog barks twice. “Anything else?” The dog points to some pork chops and barks four times. So the butcher wraps up a two-pound steak and four pork chops, and places the bag in the dog’s mouth. He then takes money from a purse tied around the dog’s neck, and sees him out. A customer, who has been watching in amazement, follows the dog to a house several blocks away, where it rings the doorbell to be let in. As the owner appears at the door, the customer says, “What a remarkable dog!” “Remarkable?” snorts the owner. “This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys.”

A man boards a plane and is seated next to an Air Marshall and his ‘sniffing dog’.  Soon, the plane takes off and the Marshall says, “Sniffer, search.” The dog walks along the aisle, and stops next to a woman. He then returns to his seat and puts a paw on the Marshall’s arm.

“Good boy,” says the Marshall.

“What happened?” asks the man.

“That woman is in possession of marijuana. We’ll arrest her when we land.”

Once again, Sniffer searches the aisles. He stops beside a man, then returns to his seat, and places two paws on the Marshall’s arm. 

“That man is carrying cocaine,” the Marshall explains.

The dog walks up the aisle again, then races back, jumps into his seat, and poops all over it.

“What’s going on?!” demands the man.

The Marshall nervously replies, “He just found a bomb!”

Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day, when they pass by a pub. The first guy says, “Let’s go in there for a pint.” Second guy, says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.” First guy: “Sure they will, just follow my lead.”

He goes up to the pub, and sure enough the doorman says, “I can’t let you in here with that dog.” He replies, “Oh, I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman says, “Ok then, come on in.”

The second guy sees this and does the same thing. He goes up to the pub, and the doorman says, “You can’t come in here with a dog.” He replies, “I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman responds, “You have a chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?” The second guy stops for a second, and exclaims, “They gave me a chihuahua?”

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister decide to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.

The priest begins. “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is wrapped in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

A poodle and a collie are walking down the street when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend’s having an affair with a German shepherd, and I’m as nervous as a cat.”

         “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist,” suggests the collie.

         “I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads, “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

         “So, what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

         “I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now, I spend my days reading at a retirement home.”

         The guy is flabbergasted, he turns to the owner and asks, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of a dog like that?”

         The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that.”

An extensive government study has revealed that the leading cause of cancer in laboratory rats is scientists.

One morning Emma woke up with a start.  Her husband Jim asked what was the matter, she told him, "I just had a dream that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight," Jim said.

That evening, Jim home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, Emma opened it - only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams”.

Mike walked into a post office just before Valentine's day, he couldn't help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.  Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes.

By now Mike's curiosity had got the better of him, and so I asked the man why he was sending all those cards.  The man replied, "I'm sending out 500 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asked Mike.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replied. 

Q:  What happened when the man fell in love with his garden? A: It made him wed his plants! 

"You came home early from your date," John observed to his roommate. "What happened?"

"Well," said the flatmate, "after dinner she invited me up to her flat. We had a couple of drinks and she put on some soft music. Then she reached over and turned out the lights."

 "So, what next?" asked John, eyebrows raised.

"I can take a hint," said his flatmate. "I came home."

AN OLDER WOMAN runs into her friend at the mall. “You’re not going to believe this,” she said. “I found an old lamp the other day. I rubbed it and a genie popped out. He explained that genies don’t give three wishes anymore, but he did offer me a choice between one of two wishes. He could give me a better memory or turn my husband into the greatest lover ever.” “Tough choice,” said her friend. “Which one did you choose?” “That’s the thing. I can’t remember.”

Nymphomaniac (nim(p)-fə-ˈmā-nē-yak)

n. A women as obsessed with sex as the average man.

Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. Fine, it was pizza. I ate a pizza.

A whale swims all day, only consumes fish and water, and is fat. A rabbit only eats vegetables, runs and hops all day long, and only lives 5 years. Meanwhile a tortoise doesn't run and does nothing energetic, yet it lives for 450 years. And you tell me to eat well and exercise! I don't think so.

Q: What do you call a non-amateur live bacteria? A: A Pro-Biotic -By Sam Benson Smith-

I choked on a carrot this afternoon, and all I could think was, "I bet a donut wouldn't have done this to me."

I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you can't have any more food. I'm just never ready for that kind of commitment.

I exercised once, but found I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.

Q: Why does Cupid always make so much money at the casino? A: Because he’s a Valentine’s Card Shark.

Ladies – want to drop 5 pounds? Let go of your purse.

If you were a triangle you'd be acute one.

All my life I thought air was free… until I bought a bag of chips.

Q: What did the toast say to the butter on Valentine's Day? A: You're my butter half!

Q: What did one muffin say to the other on Valentine's Day? A: You're my stud-muffin!

Q: What did one watermelon say to the other on Valentine's Day? A: You're one in a melon!

Q: What did one beet say to the other on Valentine's Day? A: You make my heart beet faster!

Q: What do you call an American folk hero who starts a weight loss trend? A: Johnny Applecidervinegar. -By Sam Benson Smith-

I just saved a bunch of money on Valentine's Day by switching to single.

Q: What did one mushroom say to the other on Valentine's Day? A: "There's so mushroom in my heart for you!"

When someone tells me I gained weight, I just say I’m in the process of westward expansion.