Coffee is the most important meal of the day
Jokes
Looking for funny jokes? Settle in: You're in the right place. From clean knock-knock jokes and the top corny jokes to hilarious one-liners and clever riddles, we've got the jokes guaranteed to bring on serious laughs.
Daily Grind
Spouse #1: Honey, this coffee tastes like dirt.
Spouse #2: That's not surprising, dear, it was just ground this morning.
Spouse #1: Honey, this coffee tastes like dirt.
Spouse #2: That's not surprising, dear, it was just ground this morning.
Brew For the Birds
Q: Where do birds go for coffee?
A: To the NESTcafe
Q: Where do birds go for coffee?
A: To the NESTcafe
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My Kind of Soup
Soup of the day: Coffee.
Soup of the day: Coffee.
Bless You
Q: What's the opposite of coffee?
A: Sneezy.
Q: What's the opposite of coffee?
A: Sneezy.
Pants on Fire
There are two types of people in this world: People who love Starbucks and liars.
There are two types of people in this world: People who love Starbucks and liars.
Sweet Thing
Hold the sugar please, you're sweet enough for the both of us.
Hold the sugar please, you're sweet enough for the both of us.
Ouch!
A man went to his psychiatrist and said, "Every time I drink my coffee, I get a stabbing pain in my right eye,"
The psychiatrist said, "Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?"
A man went to his psychiatrist and said, “Every time I drink my coffee, I get a stabbing pain in my right eye,” The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried...
Beatles Brew
Q: What is best Beatles song?
A: Latte Be
Q: What is best Beatles song?
A: Latte Be
Mug Love
Q: What did the barista's Valentine say?
A: I can't espresso my love for you.
Q: What did the barista's Valentine say?
A: I can't espresso my love for you.
Cup of Computer
Q: How does a tech guy drink coffee?
A: He installs Java!
Q: How does a tech guy drink coffee?
A: He installs Java!
Hot Stuff
Q: How are men like coffee?
A: The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night.
Q: How are men like coffee?
A: The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night.
He’s Got a Fast Car
Man: "Honey, on this Valentine's Day, I want to tell you something... I'm not rich like Jack. I don't have a mansion like Russell. I don't have a Porsche like Martin. But I do love you and I want to marry you."
Woman: "Oh, dear, I love you too! What was that you said about Martin?"
Man: “Honey, on this Valentine’s Day, I want to tell you something… I’m not rich like Jack. I don’t have a mansion like Russell. I don’t have a Porsche like...
Wine Goggles
Me: "I love you."
You: "Is that you or the wine talking?"
Me: "It's me talking to the wine."
Me: "I love you."
You: "Is that you or the wine talking?"
Me: "It's me talking to the wine."
Big Blue Bully
Q. What does Earth say to tease the other planets?
A. "You guys have no life."
Q. What does Earth say to tease the other planets?
A. "You guys have no life."
Planetary Party
Q. How do Earth, Saturn, and Neptune organize a party?
A. They planet.
Q. How do Earth, Saturn, and Neptune organize a party?
A. They planet.
It’s All Relative
In 1905, Albert Einstein published a theory about space.
And it was about time.
In 1905, Albert Einstein published a theory about space.
And it was about time.
I Hear the Drinks are Out of This World
Q. Where do astronauts like to party?
A. The space bar.
Q. Where do astronauts like to party?
A. The space bar.
Periodic Pun
Q. Why do people make bad chemistry jokes?
A. Because all the good ones Argon.
Q. Why do people make bad chemistry jokes?
A. Because all the good ones Argon.
Park in Space
Q. What do visitors to the International Space Station have to do before boarding?
A. Pay the parking meteor.
Q. What do visitors to the International Space Station have to do before boarding?
A. Pay the parking meteor.
Shroom Humor
Q. How much room does a fungus need to grow?
A. As mushroom as possible.
(Credit: nothingstacethesame on tumblr)
Q. How much room does a fungus need to grow?
A. As mushroom as possible.
(Credit: nothingstacethesame on tumblr)
On the Verge of Stardom
Q. What did the astronomer's friends do after he didn't win the Nobel Prize?
A. They gave him a constellation prize.
Q. What did the astronomer's friends do after he didn't win the Nobel Prize?
A. They gave him a constellation prize.
Sodium Sass
Q. Want to hear a Sodium joke?
A. Na.
Q. Want to hear a Sodium joke?
A. Na.
Moon Mishap
Q. What did Neil Armstrong do after he stepped on Buzz Aldrin's toe?
A. He Apollo-gized.
Q. What did Neil Armstrong do after he stepped on Buzz Aldrin's toe?
A. He Apollo-gized.
Owls Say
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Owls say
Owls say who?
Yes, they do.
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Owls say
Owls say who?
Yes, they do.
Art
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Art
Art who?
R2-D2, of course.
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Art
Art who?
R2-D2, of course.
Kanga
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Kanga
Kanga who?
Actually, it's kangaroo.
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Kanga
Kanga who?
Actually, it's kangaroo.
Déja
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Déja
Déja who?
Knock! Knock!
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Déja
Déja who?
Knock! Knock!
No One
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
No one
No one who?
*Remains silent*
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
No one
No one who?
*Remains silent*
Interrupting Cow
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Interrupting cow
Interruptin-
Mooooo!
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Interrupting cow
Interruptin-
Mooooo!
Extraterrestrial
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
An extraterrestrial
An extraterrestrial who?
Wait–how many extraterrestrials do you know?
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
An extraterrestrial
An extraterrestrial who?
Wait–how many extraterrestrials do you know?
Opportunity
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Opportunity
That's impossible. Opportunity doesn't come knocking twice!
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Opportunity
That's impossible. Opportunity doesn't come knocking twice!
Says
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Says
Says who?
Says me, that's who!
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Says
Says who?
Says me, that's who!
Honeybee
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Honeybee
Honeybee who?
Honeybee a dear and open the door, please.
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Honeybee
Honeybee who?
Honeybee a dear and open the door, please.
Stopwatch
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Stopwatch
Stopwatch who?
Stopwatch you're doing and pay attention!
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Stopwatch
Stopwatch who?
Stopwatch you're doing and pay attention!
Europe
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Europe
Europe who?
No, you're a poo!
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Europe
Europe who?
No, you're a poo!
Candice
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Candice
Candice who?
Candice door open, or what?
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Candice
Candice who?
Candice door open, or what?
Spell
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Spell
Spell who?
W-H-O
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Spell
Spell who?
W-H-O
Voodoo
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Voodoo
Voodoo who?
Voodoo you think you are asking me so many questions?
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Voodoo
Voodoo who?
Voodoo you think you are asking me so many questions?
Early morning revelations
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
Ode to tortillas
I've just written a song about tortillas; actually, it’s more of a rap.
I've just written a song about tortillas; actually, it’s more of a rap.
Velcro
Velcro—what a rip-off!
Velcro—what a rip-off!
Vacuum cleaner
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
Bothersome questions
Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
Russian dolls
I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.
I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.
Weighing every viewpoint
250 lbs here on Earth is 94.5 lbs on Mercury. No, I'm not fat. I’m just not on the right planet.
250 lbs here on Earth is 94.5 lbs on Mercury. No, I'm not fat. I’m just not on the right planet.
Remembering the good times
The best thing about good old days is that we were neither good nor old.
The best thing about good old days is that we were neither good nor old.
Squeaky clean thoughts
I have clean conscience. I haven’t used it once until now.
I have clean conscience. I haven’t used it once until now.
Late night munchies
If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
Rock, paper, ticket
Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors?
Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors?
Check your math
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.
Supercharged swine
A pig stands in front of an electric socket: “Oh no, who put you into that wall?!”
A pig stands in front of an electric socket: “Oh no, who put you into that wall?!”
The lost socks
Meanwhile, in a parallel universe: “Oh for God’s sake! Where are all these extra single socks coming from?!”
Meanwhile, in a parallel universe: “Oh for God’s sake! Where are all these extra single socks coming from?!”
The original iPad
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
Fewer Guests
You know you're getting old when you have more candles on your cake than friends at your birthday party.
You know you're getting old when you have more candles on your cake than friends at your birthday party.
Growing Numbers
Q: What goes up and never comes down?
A: Your age!
Q: What goes up and never comes down?
A: Your age!
Surprise Parties
I've never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
I've never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Thank God For Facebook
Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don't really know.
Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don't really know.
Kitty Birthday
Q: Where do you find a birthday present for a cat?
A: In a cat-alogue!
Q: Where do you find a birthday present for a cat?
A: In a cat-alogue!
Another Year Down
Q: Why are birthday's good for you?
A: Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest!
Q: Why are birthday's good for you?
A: Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest!
Facebook Birthday
If you feel a bit lonely, forgotten, or just need someone to cheer you up remember...You can always change your birthday on Facebook!
If you feel a bit lonely, forgotten, or just need someone to cheer you up remember...You can always change your birthday on Facebook!
Don’t Forget Your Wife’s Birthday
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Always Changing Numbers
It's easier to remember your age if you don't change it every year.
It's easier to remember your age if you don't change it every year.
Trapped in Someone Else
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman's body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman's body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
Getting Older
I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
Born to be Negative
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
Did You Remember This Year?
Today is your birthday, so congratulate yourself, especially if you're still young enough to remember it.
Today is your birthday, so congratulate yourself, especially if you're still young enough to remember it.
Can’t Blow Out the Candles
The older you get, the more you need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
The older you get, the more you need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
Be Friendly with Babies
It's always a good idea to make friends with babies. That's free cake once a year for a lifetime.
It's always a good idea to make friends with babies. That's free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Choo Choo!
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?"
I said, "Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!"
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?” I said, “Can’t say...
Oh, Man!
A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage. Sadly, he lost his case.
A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage. Sadly, he lost his case.
Just Can’t Trust ‘Em
Atoms are untrustworthy little critters. They make up everything!
Atoms are untrustworthy little critters. They make up everything!
This Is Intense
The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar…
It was tense.
The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar…
It was tense.