Soup of the day: Coffee.

Q: What's the opposite of coffee? A: Sneezy.

There are two types of people in this world: People who love Starbucks and liars.

Hold the sugar please, you're sweet enough for the both of us.

A man went to his psychiatrist and said, "Every time I drink my coffee, I get a stabbing pain in my right eye," The psychiatrist said, "Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?"

Q: What is best Beatles song? A: Latte Be

Q: What did the barista's Valentine say? A: I can't espresso my love for you.

Q: How does a tech guy drink coffee? A: He installs Java!

Q: How are men like coffee? A: The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night.

Man: "Honey, on this Valentine's Day, I want to tell you something... I'm not rich like Jack. I don't have a mansion like Russell. I don't have a Porsche like Martin. But I do love you and I want to marry you." Woman: "Oh, dear, I love you too! What was that you said about Martin?"

Me: "I love you." You: "Is that you or the wine talking?" Me: "It's me talking to the wine."

Q. What does Earth say to tease the other planets? A. "You guys have no life."

Q. How do Earth, Saturn, and Neptune organize a party? A. They planet.

In 1905, Albert Einstein published a theory about space. And it was about time.

Q. Where do astronauts like to party? A. The space bar.

Q. Why do people make bad chemistry jokes? A. Because all the good ones Argon.

Q. What do visitors to the International Space Station have to do before boarding? A. Pay the parking meteor.

Q. How much room does a fungus need to grow? A. As mushroom as possible. (Credit: nothingstacethesame on tumblr)

Q. What did the astronomer's friends do after he didn't win the Nobel Prize? A. They gave him a constellation prize.

Q. Want to hear a Sodium joke? A. Na.

Q. What did Neil Armstrong do after he stepped on Buzz Aldrin's toe? A. He Apollo-gized.

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Owls say Owls say who? Yes, they do.

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Art Art who? R2-D2, of course.

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Kanga Kanga who? Actually, it's kangaroo.

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Déja Déja who? Knock! Knock!

Knock! Knock! Who's there? No one No one who? *Remains silent*

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Interrupting cow Interruptin- Mooooo!

Knock! Knock! Who's there? An extraterrestrial An extraterrestrial who? Wait–how many extraterrestrials do you know?

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Opportunity That's impossible. Opportunity doesn't come knocking twice!

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Says Says who? Says me, that's who!

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Honeybee Honeybee who? Honeybee a dear and open the door, please.

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Stopwatch Stopwatch who? Stopwatch you're doing and pay attention!

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Europe Europe who? No, you're a poo!

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Candice Candice who? Candice door open, or what?

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Spell Spell who? W-H-O

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Voodoo Voodoo who? Voodoo you think you are asking me so many questions?  

I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.

I've just written a song about tortillas; actually, it’s more of a rap.

Velcro—what a rip-off!

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.

Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.

250 lbs here on Earth is 94.5 lbs on Mercury. No, I'm not fat. I’m just not on the right planet.

The best thing about good old days is that we were neither good nor old.

I have clean conscience. I haven’t used it once until now.

If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?

Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors?

If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.

A pig stands in front of an electric socket: “Oh no, who put you into that wall?!”

Meanwhile, in a parallel universe: “Oh for God’s sake! Where are all these extra single socks coming from?!”

Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

You know you're getting old when you have more candles on your cake than friends at your birthday party.

Q: What goes up and never comes down? A: Your age!

I've never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.

Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don't really know.

Q: Where do you find a birthday present for a cat? A: In a cat-alogue!

Q: Why are birthday's good for you? A: Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest!

If you feel a bit lonely, forgotten, or just need someone to cheer you up remember...You can always change your birthday on Facebook!

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

It's easier to remember your age if you don't change it every year.

I used to be a boy trapped in a woman's body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!

I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.

I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.

Today is your birthday, so congratulate yourself, especially if you're still young enough to remember it.

The older you get, the more you need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.

It's always a good idea to make friends with babies. That's free cake once a year for a lifetime.

My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?" I said, "Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!"

A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage. Sadly, he lost his case.

Atoms are untrustworthy little critters. They make up everything!  

The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar… It was tense.