I'm not vegetarian because I love animals. I'm vegetarian because I hate vegetables.
Jokes
Looking for funny jokes? Settle in: You're in the right place. From clean knock-knock jokes and the top corny jokes to hilarious one-liners and clever riddles, we've got the jokes guaranteed to bring on serious laughs.
Vegan Crossroads
Did you hear about the vegan devil worshipper? He sold his soul to seitan!
Did you hear about the vegan devil worshipper? He sold his soul to seitan!
Nationwide Eating Plan
"I’m not interested in any diet plan unless it lets me use rollover calories."—@sbellelauren
"I’m not interested in any diet plan unless it lets me use rollover calories."—@sbellelauren
Get more jokes, puns and riddles
SEE ALL CATEGORIES
Nacho Normal Diet
The only difference in my life when I’m on a diet is instead of saying, “I ate nachos,” I say, “I accidentally ate nachos.”—@behindyourback
The only difference in my life when I’m on a diet is instead of saying, “I ate nachos,” I say, “I accidentally ate nachos.”—@behindyourback
Sugar Free
Q. What do you call someone who can't stick with a diet?
A. A desserter.
Q. What do you call someone who can't stick with a diet?
A. A desserter.
Time Weighs on You
Did you hear about the hungry clock? He went back four seconds.
Did you hear about the hungry clock? He went back four seconds.
Can-Do Diet
Q. What is a man's idea of a balanced diet?
A. A beer in each hand.
Q. What is a man's idea of a balanced diet?
A. A beer in each hand.
Sweets for the Sweet
Q. Why shouldn't you fall in love with a pastry chef?
A. He'll dessert you.
Q. Why shouldn't you fall in love with a pastry chef?
A. He'll dessert you.
Small Packages
Q: What do you call a very small valentine?
A: A valen-tiny!
Q: What do you call a very small valentine?
A: A valen-tiny!
The Eyes Have It
Son: What's the difference between love and marriage?
Father: Love is blind. Marriage is an eye opener.
Son: What's the difference between love and marriage?
Father: Love is blind. Marriage is an eye opener.
Fashionistas in Love
If I have to choose between a husband and shoes, I choose shoes. They tend to last longer and are easier to replace.
If I have to choose between a husband and shoes, I choose shoes. They tend to last longer and are easier to replace.
Mrs. Motormouth
Man: “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
Friend: “Why not?”
Man: “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
Man: “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
Friend: “Why not?”
Man: “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
Do I Look Like a Short-Order Cook?
Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.
Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.
Fatherly Wisdom
Son: Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of the world a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.
Father: Son, that's true everywhere.
Son: Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of the world a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.
Father: Son, that's true everywhere.
Looking for Love
This man was really lonely, so he posted an ad on a popular website. The ad said, simply: "Wife wanted."
He was surprised the next morning to find he had over a hundred replies in his inbox. Unfortunately, they all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
This man was really lonely, so he posted an ad on a popular website. The ad said, simply: “Wife wanted.” He was surprised the next morning to find he had...
Lovable Monsters
Q. What does the ghost call his true love?
A. My ghoul-friend.
Q. What does the ghost call his true love?
A. My ghoul-friend.
I’ll Call You
Q. How did the phone propose to his girlfriend on Valentine's Day?
A. He gave her a ring.
Q. How did the phone propose to his girlfriend on Valentine's Day?
A. He gave her a ring.
A Little Bird Whispered
Q. What do you call two birds in love?
A. Tweet-hearts!
Q. What do you call two birds in love?
A. Tweet-hearts!
Two Ships Passing in the Night
Q. What did the little boat say to the yacht?
A. Can I interest you in a little row-mance?
Q. What did the little boat say to the yacht?
A. Can I interest you in a little row-mance?
Number-One Wife
Every man wants a beautiful wife, a smart wife, a loving wife, a sexy wife, and a cooperative wife. Sadly, bigamy is against the law.
Every man wants a beautiful wife, a smart wife, a loving wife, a sexy wife, and a cooperative wife. Sadly, bigamy is against the law.
Here, Let Me Get That
If a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing — either the car is new or the wife is.
If a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing — either the car is new or the wife is.
Animal Attraction
Q. What did the girl cat say to the boy cat on Valentine’s Day?
A. You’re purrr-fect for me.
Q. What did the girl cat say to the boy cat on Valentine’s Day?
A. You’re purrr-fect for me.
Meat You There
Q. Where do all the hamburgers take their girlfriend on Valentine’s Day?
A. To a meatball.
Q. Where do all the hamburgers take their girlfriend on Valentine’s Day?
A. To a meatball.
I Really Do
Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you!
Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you!
Made Just for You
Q. What Valentine’s Day candy is best to give a girl?
A. Her-She Kisses.
Q. What Valentine’s Day candy is best to give a girl?
A. Her-She Kisses.
How Does This Joke Stack Up?
I can't stand Russian nesting dolls. They're so full of themselves.
I can't stand Russian nesting dolls. They're so full of themselves.
LOL-ing in the Deep
My computer suddenly started belting out "Someone Like You." It's a Dell.
My computer suddenly started belting out "Someone Like You." It's a Dell.
You Might Have to Sleep On This One
Q. What has one head, one foot, and four legs?
A. A bed.
Q. What has one head, one foot, and four legs?
A. A bed.
A Stroke of Genius
Q. Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
A. In case he got a hole in one.
Q. Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
A. In case he got a hole in one.
Rick-Rolled
Rick Astley will let you borrow most of his Pixar movies, but he's never gonna give you Up.
(Credit: justbadpuns on tumblr)
Rick Astley will let you borrow most of his Pixar movies, but he's never gonna give you Up.
(Credit: justbadpuns on tumblr)
Know Your ABCs
I'm only friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know Y.
(Credit: justbadpuns on tumblr)
I'm only friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know Y.
(Credit: justbadpuns on tumblr)
Dinosaur Groans
Q. What sound does a sleeping T-Rex make?
A. A dino-snore.
Q. What sound does a sleeping T-Rex make?
A. A dino-snore.
Harry Punner
Q. Why can't Harry Potter tell the difference between the pot he uses to make potions and his best friend?
A. They're both cauld ron.
(Credit: @hogwartslogic on Twitter)
Q. Why can't Harry Potter tell the difference between the pot he uses to make potions and his best friend?
A. They're both cauld ron.
(Credit: @hogwartslogic on Twitter)
A Fan Favorite
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, "What's your favorite kind of music?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, "What's your favorite kind of music?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."
That’s Just Not Write
Want to hear something terrible?
Paper.
See? I told you it was tear-able.
Want to hear something terrible?
Paper.
See? I told you it was tear-able.
Or was it a SodaStream?
Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea.
(Credit: justbadpuns on tumblr)
Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea.
(Credit: justbadpuns on tumblr)
Pug Going to the Beach
Q: What do you call a dog that's ready for spring break?
A: Pug boat
Q: What do you call a dog that's ready for spring break?
A: Pug boat
Sad Collie
Q: What do you call a sad pup?
A: mellon collie
Q: What do you call a sad pup?
A: mellon collie
Science Pup
Q: What was the dogs favorite type of homework to do?
A: A lab report
Q: What was the dogs favorite type of homework to do?
A: A lab report
Spaghett Outta Here
Q. What do you call a fake noodle?
A. An impasta.
Q. What do you call a fake noodle?
A. An impasta.
Dog at the Doctor
What did the dog say to his doctor?
Be careful with the thermometer, last time it was a bit ruff.
What did the dog say to his doctor?
Be careful with the thermometer, last time it was a bit ruff.
Looking for a Criminal
I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.
I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.
Dog at the Zoo
I wanted to see lots of animals at the zoo, but they only had one small dog.
It was a shih-tzu.
I wanted to see lots of animals at the zoo, but they only had one small dog.
It was a shih-tzu.
That’s One Way to Do It
Person 1: I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes.
Person 2: How?!
Person 1: I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven.
Person 1: I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes.
Person 2: How?!
Person 1: I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven.
Construction Dog
What did the dog in the hard hat say?
My specialty is roofing.
What did the dog in the hard hat say?
My specialty is roofing.
Dog Magician
Q: What do you call a dog magician?
A: A Labrabacadabrador
Q: What do you call a dog magician?
A: A Labrabacadabrador
Far Fetched Story
My buddy said he threw a stick five miles and his dog managed to find it and brought it back. Seems a little far fetched.
My buddy said he threw a stick five miles and his dog managed to find it and brought it back. Seems a little far fetched.
Corgi Key
Guess what I'll call my house key?
My Corg-key!
Guess what I'll call my house key?
My Corg-key!
A Rotten Joke
SPOILER ALERT: That milk has been in the fridge for three weeks.
SPOILER ALERT: That milk has been in the fridge for three weeks.
Bad Weather
Q: What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
A: Hailing taxis
Q: What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
A: Hailing taxis
Hard Day
Today is ruff.
Today is ruff.
Don’t Stop Believing
Don't stop retreievin' hold on to that feline
Don't stop retreievin' hold on to that feline
Relationship Problems
I had to get rid of my husband. He was allergic to my cat.
I had to get rid of my husband. He was allergic to my cat.
Little Husky
I'm not fat. I'm just a little husky.
I'm not fat. I'm just a little husky.
Bad Kitty
Q: What’s the worst kind of cat?
A: A cat-astrophe
Q: What’s the worst kind of cat?
A: A cat-astrophe
Escaping Dog
I need to see a dentist. One of my canines is getting loose.
I need to see a dentist. One of my canines is getting loose.
Ridin’ Furry
Q: What do you call a cat in a station wagon?
A: A car-pet
Q: What do you call a cat in a station wagon?
A: A car-pet
Birth on the Road
Did you hear about the dog that gave birth on the side of the road? She was ticketed for littering.
Did you hear about the dog that gave birth on the side of the road? She was ticketed for littering.
Beary Funny
Q. What did the sleepy Australian bear say at the job interview?
A. "I believe I am koala-fied for this position."
Q. What did the sleepy Australian bear say at the job interview?
A. "I believe I am koala-fied for this position."
Most Important Meal
Q: What do cats eat for breakfast?
A: Mice Krispies
Q: What do cats eat for breakfast?
A: Mice Krispies
Word Nerd
Q: What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?
A: One has claws at the end of its paws, while the other is a pause at the end of a clause.
—@Grammarly
Q: What’s the difference between a cat and a comma? A: One has claws at the end of its paws, while the other is a pause at the end of...
Bold Moves
Q: Why are Italians so good at making coffee?
A: Because they know how to espresso themselves.
Q: Why are Italians so good at making coffee?
A: Because they know how to espresso themselves.
Purrrfect Strike
Q: What do you call at cat that goes bowling?
A: An alley cat
Q: What do you call at cat that goes bowling?
A: An alley cat
Bad Sport
Q: Why was the cat disqualified from the game?
A: It was a cheetah.
Q: Why was the cat disqualified from the game?
A: It was a cheetah.
Scaredy Cat
Q: Why did the cat run away from the tree?
A: It was scared of its bark.
Q: Why did the cat run away from the tree?
A: It was scared of its bark.
Pain in the Tail
Q: What would a cat say if you stepped on its tail?
A: “Me-OW!”
Q: What would a cat say if you stepped on its tail?
A: “Me-OW!”
Extra Purrr-estrial
Q: What did the alien say to the cat?
A: “Take me to your litter.”
Q: What did the alien say to the cat?
A: “Take me to your litter.”
Mew’s hues
Q: What is a cat’s favorite color?
A: Purrrple
Q: What is a cat’s favorite color?
A: Purrrple
Shopaholic
Q: Why don’t kittens like shopping online?
A: They prefer looking at a cat-alogue.
Q: Why don’t kittens like shopping online?
A: They prefer looking at a cat-alogue.
Juvenile Java
Q: How are coffee beans like kids?
A: They're always getting grounded!
Q: How are coffee beans like kids?
A: They're always getting grounded!
Something sweet
Q: What’s a cat’s favorite dessert?
A: A mice cream cone
Q: What’s a cat’s favorite dessert?
A: A mice cream cone
Sky’s the Limit
If the local coffee shop has awarded you "Employee of the Month" and you don't even work there, you may be drinking too much coffee.
If the local coffee shop has awarded you "Employee of the Month" and you don't even work there, you may be drinking too much coffee.
Catfight!
Q: How do cats get over a fight?
A: They hiss and make up.
Q: How do cats get over a fight?
A: They hiss and make up.
