Q: How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a monster?
A: Terrier-fied!
Jokes
Looking for funny jokes? Settle in: You're in the right place. From clean knock-knock jokes and the top corny jokes to hilarious one-liners and clever riddles, we've got the jokes guaranteed to bring on serious laughs.
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Corny Pirate Humor
Q. How much money does a pirate pay for corn?
A. A buccaneer.
Q. How much money does a pirate pay for corn?
A. A buccaneer.
Way With Words
Don't interrupt someone working intently on a puzzle. Chances are, you'll hear some crosswords.
Don't interrupt someone working intently on a puzzle. Chances are, you'll hear some crosswords.
Get more jokes, puns and riddles
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Turn that frown upside down
Q: What do you call cheese that is sad?
A: Blue cheese.
Q: What do you call cheese that is sad?
A: Blue cheese.
Rock on!
What do you call blueberries playing the guitar? A jam session.
What do you call blueberries playing the guitar? A jam session.
On the scene
Q: Did you hear about the carrot detective?
A: He got to the root of every case.
Q: Did you hear about the carrot detective?
A: He got to the root of every case.
Crabby!
What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? A crab apple!
What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? A crab apple!
Precisely!
Q. What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
A. I don’t know and I don’t care.
Q. What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
A. I don’t know and I don’t care.
Crack a Joke
I went to see the Liberty Bell recently. I don't know why everyone makes such a big deal about it. It's not all it's cracked up to be.
I went to see the Liberty Bell recently. I don't know why everyone makes such a big deal about it. It's not all it's cracked up to be.
Mark It Up
I'm a big fan of whiteboards. I find them quite re-markable.
I'm a big fan of whiteboards. I find them quite re-markable.
Beat in Battle
Q. Why was King Arthur's army too tired to fight?
A. It had too many sleepless knights.
Q. Why was King Arthur's army too tired to fight?
A. It had too many sleepless knights.
Tough Sentencing
Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? He was given two consecutive sentences.
Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? He was given two consecutive sentences.
Peek-a-Boo
-Do you think glass coffins will be a success?
-Remains to be seen.
-Do you think glass coffins will be a success?
-Remains to be seen.
Just Don’t Do It!
Don't wake up mom! There are at least seven species who eat their young. Your mom may be one of them.
Don't wake up mom! There are at least seven species who eat their young. Your mom may be one of them.
Textbook Definition
Mother: (noun)
- One person who does the work of 20. For free
Mother: (noun)
- One person who does the work of 20. For free
Yep, Definitely a Mom
You know you're a mom when...
...picking up another human to smell their butt is not only normal but totally necessary
You know you're a mom when...
...picking up another human to smell their butt is not only normal but totally necessary
Squeaky Clean-ish
Cleaning with kids in the house is like brushing your teeth with Oreos.
Cleaning with kids in the house is like brushing your teeth with Oreos.
Population Pun
Q. Which country's capital has the fastest-growing population?
A. Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.
Q. Which country's capital has the fastest-growing population?
A. Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.
France’s Favorite Game
I asked my French friend if she likes to play video games. She said, "Wii."
I asked my French friend if she likes to play video games. She said, "Wii."
Flood of Requests
If anyone needs an ark, I happen to Noah guy.
If anyone needs an ark, I happen to Noah guy.
Clown Courtesy
Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester!
Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester!
Lower Your Expectations
Have you heard the one about the bad pole-vaulter? It never goes over very well.
(Credit: justbadpuns.com)
Have you heard the one about the bad pole-vaulter? It never goes over very well.
(Credit: justbadpuns.com)
Non-cents-ical
The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working, with no explanation. It doesn't make any cents!
The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working, with no explanation. It doesn't make any cents!
Coming Through!
Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
Can You Hear Me Now?
Never criticize someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, they won't be able to hear you from that far away. Plus, you'll have their shoes.
Never criticize someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, they won’t be able to hear you from that far away. Plus, you’ll...
And the Oscar Goes To…
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar wiener.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar wiener.
Cat in a Box
Q. How many cats can you put in an empty box?
A. One. After that, the box isn't empty anymore.
Q. How many cats can you put in an empty box?
A. One. After that, the box isn't empty anymore.
Cat Flames
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Smart Shovel
The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
Don’t Buy Velcro
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.
Grapes Make Wine
What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.
What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.
Sleepy Bicycle
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
Not Your Cheese
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.
Construction Work Ahead
Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.
Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.
Useless Elephant
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant
Call me Dad
I'll call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad.
I'll call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad.
Lonely Skeletons
Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.
Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.
Scarecrow Award
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
Misfit Shoes
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad Haircut
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.
Igloo House
How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.
How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.
Coffee Crime
Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
Beaver Dam
I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
Paper Cut
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it's tearable.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it's tearable.
Apple Tree
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
Imposter Food
What do you call a fake noodle?
An Impasta.
What do you call a fake noodle?
An Impasta.
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Moon Dining
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
I’ve had it—up to my neck
Q: What did the giraffe say when her neighbor wouldn't stop talking?
A: You're giraffing me crazy!
Q: What did the giraffe say when her neighbor wouldn't stop talking?
A: You're giraffing me crazy!
Hello to you too
Q: What is every whale's favorite greeting?
A: Whale hello there!
Q: What is every whale's favorite greeting?
A: Whale hello there!
Awkward encounters
Q: What did the bird watcher say when she mistook a hawk for an eagle?
A: Well, this is hawkward
Q: What did the bird watcher say when she mistook a hawk for an eagle?
A: Well, this is hawkward
Apologies to the porpoise
Q: What did the dolphin say after he accidentally swam into another sea creature?
A: I didn't do it on porpoise
Q: What did the dolphin say after he accidentally swam into another sea creature?
A: I didn't do it on porpoise
Relationship issues
Q: What did the wild cat couple yell during their argument?
A: "You're such a cheetah!" "No, you're lion!"
Q: What did the wild cat couple yell during their argument?
A: "You're such a cheetah!" "No, you're lion!"
Fishy thoughts
Q: How do fish end their work emails?
A: Let minnow what you think.
Q: How do fish end their work emails?
A: Let minnow what you think.
Top hits on the farm
Q: What is every goat's favorite Haddaway song?
A: What is love? Baby don't herd me
Q: What is every goat's favorite Haddaway song?
A: What is love? Baby don't herd me
Bird dating
Q: What did the flamingo post on her dating profile?
A: Single and ready to flamingle
Q: What did the flamingo post on her dating profile?
A: Single and ready to flamingle
When a pony has a sore throat
Do you have water? I'm a little horse.
Do you have water? I'm a little horse.
When a grizzly means business
Stand back, or I'll beat you with my bear hands!
Stand back, or I'll beat you with my bear hands!
Swimming preferences
Q: Why do seals swim in salt water?
A: Because pepper water makes them sneeze
Q: Why do seals swim in salt water?
A: Because pepper water makes them sneeze
Shut down your haters
Hippo 1: You're fat.
Hippo 2: That's very hippo-critical.
Hippo 1: You're fat.
Hippo 2: That's very hippo-critical.
A feline in disbelief
You have cat to be kitten me right meow.
You have cat to be kitten me right meow.
Emotional farm animals
Q: What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a moody cow?
A: An animal that's in a baaaaaaaaad mooooooooooood.
Q: What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a moody cow?
A: An animal that's in a baaaaaaaaad mooooooooooood.
A cowboy’s best friend
Q: Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?
A: Someone told him to get a long little doggie.
Q: Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?
A: Someone told him to get a long little doggie.
What do sea lions say when they hear a bad joke?
That's the seal-iest thing I've ever heard.
That's the seal-iest thing I've ever heard.
Feline Upset
Q. What do you call it when a cat wins first place at a dog show?
A. A cat-has-trophy.
Q. What do you call it when a cat wins first place at a dog show?
A. A cat-has-trophy.
The Fur is Flying
CAT TO OWNER: Why are you so upset that I shed on the couch? It's called fur-niture!
CAT TO OWNER: Why are you so upset that I shed on the couch? It's called fur-niture!
Run, Kitty, Run
Q. What do you call a sad cat that's in a hurry?
A. A Russian Blue.
(Credit: @CatPuns)
Q. What do you call a sad cat that's in a hurry?
A. A Russian Blue.
(Credit: @CatPuns)
Kitty Litter
Did you hear about the woman who refused to get her female cat spayed? She was arrested for littering.
Did you hear about the woman who refused to get her female cat spayed? She was arrested for littering.
Fizz for Felines
Q. Which two sodas does a cat like best?
A. Dr. Peppurr and Meowntain Mew.
Q. Which two sodas does a cat like best?
A. Dr. Peppurr and Meowntain Mew.
Flyin’ Felines
Q. What do you call it when a swarm of cats slows down your airplane?
A. Purr-bulence.
(Credit: @CatPuns)
Q. What do you call it when a swarm of cats slows down your airplane?
A. Purr-bulence.
(Credit: @CatPuns)
Britain Kittens
Q. What's a British cat's favorite fantasy book?
A. Hairy Pawter and the Philoso-purr's Stone.
Q. What's a British cat's favorite fantasy book?
A. Hairy Pawter and the Philoso-purr's Stone.
Shorthair Cat
Q. What do you call a kitten that cuts her hair really short?
A. A bob cat!
Q. What do you call a kitten that cuts her hair really short?
A. A bob cat!
Litter-ature
A CAT'S FAVORITE LITERATURE CHARACTERS:
Holden Clawfield
Jay Catsby
Catticus Finch
(Credit: Buzzfeed)
A CAT'S FAVORITE LITERATURE CHARACTERS:
Holden Clawfield
Jay Catsby
Catticus Finch
(Credit: Buzzfeed)
Cat Cops
Q. What did the cat do after her home was broken into?
A. She called claw enforcement.
Q. What did the cat do after her home was broken into?
A. She called claw enforcement.