105 Military Jokes That Are Locked, Loaded and Ready for LOLs
Updated: May 21, 2024
I don't know, but I've been told, military jokes are comedy gold. Sound off, HA HA!
There’s no doubt that the men and women who serve our country are incredibly brave. But chances are, they also have a wicked sense of humor. Comedy helps us survive the toughest of times, and whether you’re in the Army, Navy, Air Force or Marines, the best jokes are like daily doses of R&R. And for those on the home front, they can make you smile while a loved one serves far away. That’s why we’re doing our part to serve … up the funniest military jokes in the free world.
So, TEN-HUT! File in and enjoy 100-plus short jokes, puns, one-liners and funny reader-submitted stories about every branch of the armed forces. Oh, and if you’re in the Space Force, we promise none of our jokes are about you. Because in space, no one can hear you laugh.
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Funny military jokes for all the armed forces
- Why does the military plant trees every year?
To grow the infant-tree.
- What’s the easiest way to get to be a five-star general?
Great reviews on Yelp.
- What do you call a shipment full of military-issued T. Rexes?
Small arms.
- Why did the optometrist set his clock to military time?
To see 20:20.
- Why didn’t the officer respond when asked how he got his start in the military?
It was private.
- What do you call a soldier who loves to hang out?
Company commander.
- When is the only time to use trench warfare?
As a last-ditch effort.
- What form is required for all members of the military?
A uniform.
- Why was the sergeant mad when his son brought home a 100 on a math test?
The kid spent more time dividing than conquering.
- Did you hear about the accident on base?
A tank ran over a box of popcorn and killed two kernels.
- What happened when the ice cream cone and cheesecake abandoned their fellow soldiers?
They were wanted for dessert-ion.
- What do soldiers want to know before getting married?
The rules of engagement.
- What happened to the soldier who tried to be a stand-up comedian?
He bombed.
- Who won the zombie war?
Nobody. It was dead even.
- Why are there no knock-knock jokes about the American military?
Because freedom rings!
If you are looking for a fix of classic humor, check out this list of clever knock-knock jokes.
Army jokes
- What rank are all cats in the army?
Corpurrrrrral.
- Why is the Army so strict about uniforms?
To minimize casual tees.
- Why aren’t army soldiers super cool?
Because they all go through basic training.
- What do you call a soldier who loves to paint?
An art-illery master.
- Why do Twitter users make bad soldiers?
They are too quick to retweet.
- What do you call a high-ranking officer who’s chatty?
General Discussion.
- Who’s the highest-ranking officer in the mess hall?
General Tso.
- What do you get when you drop a piano on an Army officer?
A-flat Major.
- What is a soldier’s least-favorite date?
March 4th.
- Why did the soldier detonate the bomb?
He wanted to C4 himself.
- What’s the difference between the Boy Scouts and the Army?
The Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
- What is Army an acronym for?
A Recruiter Misled You.
- What does a real Army soldier have in common with a little green Army toy?
They’ll both hurt you if you step on them.
- What always has the right of way on the battlefield?
Incoming fire.
- Why did the Army veteran become a dentist?
He had experience as a drill sergeant.
Can’t get enough punny jokes? Here are more dentist jokes you can sink your teeth into.
Navy jokes
- What do you call an aircraft full of cattle?
Total bull ship.
- Why does the Navy prefer recruits who can’t swim?
Because they’re more motivated to defend their ship.
- What percentage of Naval recruits are pirates?
3.14.
- Why did the man join the Navy out of spite?
Because he was a petty officer.
- Why does the Navy want to recruit more women?
To keep the ocean from being a total buoys club.
- What military branch is fond of horses?
The Neigh-vy.
- Why couldn’t the sailors play cards?
The captain was sitting on the deck.
- What grades do you need to join the Navy?
Seven Cs.
- What’s the difference between a Navy air crewman and an otter?
The otter knows he’s not a seal.
- Why does the Norwegian Navy put bar codes on its ships?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
- My friend has a really unhealthy relationship with Navy vessels.
He warships them.
- What happens when you eat too many Navy beans?
You end up with a dishonorable discharge.
- What’s a sailor’s favorite type of movie?
A sea-quel.
- What do you call a dog who joins the Navy?
A subwoofer.
- Why don’t the Jedi have a Navy?
Because sailing is a path to the dockside.
If you’d trade your submarine for a Millennium Falcon in a heartbeat, check out this batch of Star Wars jokes.
Marine jokes
- How does a Marine greet a cow?
“Moo-rah!”
- Why don’t Marines wish they were a part of Army/Navy football games?
Because then who’d keep the Army and Navy’s girlfriends company?
- What’s the most dangerous part of being a marine biologist?
Checking a Marine’s blowhole.
- Where do they send you if you don’t meet the requirements to be a Marine?
The Navy, since you’re a sub-marine.
- What is the main mission of the Marines?
To make sure the Army never gets their feet wet.
- What do Marines have in common with other members of the armed forces?
They all originally set out to become Marines.
- What do you call a Marine who gives up?
Deceased.
- How did the friendly Marine greet everyone?
“Semper hi!”
- Why did the Marine never go inside or sit down?
Because being a Marine is “outstanding!”
- Where do Marines go for a romantic getaway?
Parris … Island.
- How can you tell the difference between a Marine and a marine mammal?
About six minutes underwater.
- How do we know Marines love pizza?
Because like their anthem says, they go from the halls of mozzarella to the shores of triple-cheese.
- What do you call a drunk Marine?
A barhead.
Looking for more setups you won’t forget? Memorize these short jokes anyone can remember.
Air Force jokes
- Which branch is the most patriotic?
The Air Force, because they are US AF.
- How do you know if there’s an Air Force pilot at your party?
Oh, don’t worry. He’ll tell you as soon as he walks in.
- What did the pilot say to the co-pilot when they flew faster than the speed of sound?
“WHAT DID YOU SAY?”
- Why did the Air Force pilot prefer Paul McCartney’s solo work?
Because he’s a Wings-man.
- How do different military branches use stars?
The Army sleeps under the stars. The Navy navigates by the stars. The Air Force chooses hotels by the stars.
- Where do rabbits learn to fly?
The hare force.
- How do you play Air Force bingo?
“A-10! B-52! F-16!”
- What’s the difference between a fighter pilot and a fighter jet?
The jet stops whining once you turn off the engine.
- What’s the difference between God and an Air Force pilot?
God doesn’t think he’s a fighter pilot.
- How do you make an Air Force pilot’s life more like Top Gun?
You take their breath away.
- When is the only time a plane has too much fuel?
When it’s on fire.
- How are mathematicians like the Air Force?
Both use pi-lots.
- What do you call a large formation of MAC aircraft?
A Big Mac Attack.
Craving more jokes like that? Get your fill with these food puns.
Funny military one-liners
- Whenever a soldier goes to the bathroom, their rank changes to loo-tenant.
- The only act that requires more bravery than joining your country’s military is escaping another country’s.
- Always remember: Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.
- Airspeed, altitude and brains: Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.
- Just because there are no complaints, it doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.
- If you lose your rifle, the Army charges you $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
- The U.S. Army is America’s largest military branch, but the BTS Army is its smoothest.
- The title “drill sergeant” doesn’t come from them running drills. It’s because they’re like human root canal.
- If you’re ever deployed to a battlefield, be sure to bring an umbrella, because war is hail.
- If you have to choose between the military and prison, choose prison—at least there, good behavior gets you out early.
For more of the biggest laughs in the fewest words, check out these funny one-liners for every occasion.
“This officer” jokes
- This officer’s men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
- This officer’s wheel is turning, but the hamster is long dead.
- This officer couldn’t organize 50% leave in a two-man submarine.
- This officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
- This officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope: always spinning around at a frantic pace but never going anywhere.
- The only ship that is recommended for this officer is citizenship.
- It’s hard to believe that this officer beat out 1 million other sperm.
- This officer has a room-temperature IQ.
- If this officer was any dumber, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
- This officer is like a small puppy: He runs around excitedly, leaving messes for other people to clean up.
Of course, “this officer” doesn’t have a clue about any of this, but even he’d howl with laughter at these dog jokes.
Funny military stories from readers
Getting off on the right foot
“Halt!” shouted our drill instructor. He had noticed that, for the umpteenth time, a recruit kept going to his right on a left command. Our instructor approached the directionally challenged Marine and stomped on his left foot. “Now,” he said, “when I say ‘left,’ it’s the one that hurts.” —Wayne Schroeder, Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Blowing smoke
When I enlisted in my teens, I took up smoking cigars to make myself look more mature. Did it work? Well, one time, as I proudly puffed away at our NCO club, an older sergeant growled, “Hey, kid—your candy bar’s on fire.” —James Bushart, Cassville, Missouri
The key to solving the problem
During orientation at Fort Sill in Oklahoma, our first sergeant stated that if anyone lost his locker key to see him, as he kept a master key in his office. Sure enough, a few weeks later, I lost my key. I walked into the orderly’s room and asked Sarge if I could borrow his master key. “Why, certainly, young man,” he said as he reached under his desk and handed me a large pair of bolt cutters. —John Dannar, Pasadena, Texas
An artist’s life
During basic training at Fort Leavenworth, our sergeant asked if anyone had “artistic” abilities. Having been an architectural draftsman in civilian life, I raised my hand. Then the sergeant announced that everyone would get a three-day pass … except me. I would stay behind and neatly print each soldier’s name onto his Army-issued underwear. —Steven Silver, Scarsdale, New York
Don’t get cocky, kid
It was our first day on the rifle range at Lackland Air Force Base. I felt confident as I aimed and squeezed the trigger of my carbine for my first shot. “Good news and bad news,” my instructor said. “The good news: You got a bull’s-eye.” Before my head could swell too much, he added, “But it was in somebody else’s target.” —Gene Newman
Explosive humor
We were inspecting several lots of grenades. While everyone was concentrating on the task at hand, I held up a spare pin and asked, “Has anyone seen my grenade?” —SMSgt Dan Powell
Luxury accommodations
While serving in Vietnam, my friend and his buddies were hunkered down in a mud-filled hole that had been dug into the side of a berm and covered with lumber for protection. Their one extravagance: a bare lightbulb they’d hung from the “ceiling.” One guy was reading a newspaper article from back home about a congressional investigation into why some troops were living in relative luxury. The guy put down the paper, turned to my friend and said, “Well, there goes the lightbulb.” —James Valouch
Spelling matters
I was working in Army security when a VIP from another base called to ask to whom he should address an important letter. Knowing my tough-to-spell last name would give him fits, I said, “Just put down Sergeant Gary, as my last name is too hard.” The next day, I received a letter addressed to Sgt. Gary Toohard. —G.C.
Military skin-care routine
After my niece returned fromher second tour in Iraq, I remarked how beautiful her complexion looked.
“What do you use on your face to keep it so smooth?” I asked.
“Nothing,” she said. “I’ve been sandblasted.” —Wanda Kaltreider, Wrightsville, Pennsylvania
The wisdom of veterans
My 90-year-old dad was giving a talk at our local library about his World War II experiences. During the question-and-answer period, he was asked, “How did you know the war was over?” He replied, “When they stopped shooting at me.” —Lynette Combs, Norfolk, Virginia
The right to arm bears
My husband’s cousin married a former Marine who now works for United Parcel Service. They bought their 4-year-old son two stuffed bears—one in a UPS uniform and the other in Marine garb.
When the boy seemed confused, his father brought out a picture of himself in full Marine dress. “See, Connor?” he explained, pointing to the photo and then to the bear. “That’s Daddy.”
Connor’s eyes went from one to the other. Then he asked in a puzzled voice, “You used to be a bear?” —Robin Yedlock
War is hell (on food storage)
The steaming jungles of Vietnam were not my husband’s first choiceof places to spend his 21st birthday. However, the mood was brightened when he received a birthday cake from his sister. It was carefullyencased in a Tupperware container and came with this note: “Dick, when you’re finished, can you mail back my container?” —Kathy Wilson, Chaska, Minnesota
Perks of the uniform
While serving as chief medical officer at Fort Ritchie in Maryland, I attended a nearby wedding. Since it was a formal affair at a country club, I went in my officer’s-dress blue uniform. Once at the club, I drove up to the entrance, where the doorman promptly came to the passenger door and assisted my wife out of the car. He then made his way to my side. But before I could get out, he pointed to the other end of the building and said, “The band entrance is that way.” —Gordon Van Otteren
Friendly food fire
My high school assignmentwas to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served in the Philippines during the war, I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, “Did you ever kill anyone?” Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, “Probably. I was the cook.” —Marian Babula, Penn Run, Pennsylvania
Whether you’re a novice or pro in the kitchen, you’ll gobble up these hilarious food jokes.
Why trust us
Reader’s Digest has been telling jokes for more than 100 years, curated and reviewed over the past 20 years by Senior Features Editor Andy Simmons, a humor editor formerly of National Lampoon and the author of Now That’s Funny. We’ve earned prestigious ASME awards for our humor—including comical quips, pranks, puns, cartoons, one-liners, knock-knock jokes, riddles, memes, tweets and stories in laugh-out-loud magazine columns such as “Life in These United States,” “All in a Day’s Work,” “Laughter, the Best Medicine” and “Humor in Uniform,” as well as online collections such as short jokes, dad jokes and bad jokes so bad, they’re great. You can find a century of humor in our 2022 compendium, Reader’s Digest: Laughter, the Best Medicine. For this story on the funniest military jokes, Brendan Hay tapped his experience as a comedy writer for DC Comics and TV shows including The Daily Show, The Simpsons and Robot Chicken. Read more about our team, our contributors and our editorial policies.
Originally Published: May 20, 2024
