Do you still have to wear all black? Funeral etiquette rules are changing, and being aware of the new protocol will let you do more to comfort the bereaved.
14 Funeral Etiquette Rules to Know Before Attending a Service
Updated Aug. 08, 2024
The do’s and don’ts of funeral etiquette
A few years ago, my friend Tom passed away unexpectedly, leaving behind a tsunami of grief. But while we were mourning his loss, we knew him well enough to know that he wouldn’t want his funeral to be the stereotypical affair. So his family asked all of us to wear neon, as Tom was known for his love of neon. Yes, I wore neon pink and blue to a funeral. And not only were the guests brightly colored, but the tables and mementos were also arranged to spark memories, discussion and laughter. The ceremony involved a lot of jokes along with the tears. Then we all did a run/walk to the cemetery to honor his love of running. I’ve been an etiquette expert and writer for more than 15 years, and trust me when I say we broke every funeral etiquette rule in the book … yet I knew it was exactly the funeral Tom would have wanted. And that’s what made it good etiquette.
“Etiquette is always about people first, not rules. It should be used to help us be more kind and compassionate,” says etiquette expert Jan Goss, the founder of Show Up Well Consulting. “When it comes to funerals, honoring the family’s wishes is the No. 1 etiquette rule.”
Dying certainly hasn’t changed over the years, but funerals have as the etiquette surrounding them evolves. To help you figure out the proper protocol at these events, including what to say and do at the various parts of the ceremony, I spoke with Goss, etiquette expert Elaine Swann and Brooklyn-based funeral director Amy Cunningham. Read on to find out their top funeral etiquette tips (and the biggest mistakes to avoid) so you can navigate funerals with more kindness and respect.
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It’s OK to laugh and smile
A funeral doesn’t have to be all doom and gloom. In fact, more and more people are accepting funerals as celebrations of life rather than somber affairs. Although there are times to be solemn, “humor is a powerful thing,” says Cunningham. “Getting at the beauty of the deceased by telling a story that’s sweet or brings a smile or laugh is a lovely thing to do.”
Obviously, you’ll still want to be sensitive and aware of your boundaries, especially if you’re speaking during the service. For good measure, run your story by a family member beforehand, as you would with a wedding toast. These condolence messages could be a good place to start too.
You don’t have to wear all black (but you can)
“Wear black” might be the most frequently heard piece of funeral etiquette, but as my friend Tom’s funeral showed, this is one of the rules that is changing. With many funerals becoming more of a celebration of life, some families are asking mourners to wear something that reflects the interest of the person who has passed on. “Follow any request made by the family,” Swann says. That said, if a dress code isn’t stated, black or dark, subdued colors are a safe bet.
Outside of color, the most important rule to follow regarding funeral attire is to avoid drawing attention to yourself. “You’re there as someone honoring another, and it’s not about you,” Cunningham says. Abstain from provocative clothing or open-toed shoes like flip-flops. “Try to gauge your attire according to the preferences and inclinations of the deceased,” she adds. Mimicking his or her taste is a thoughtful way to pay tribute to his or her life, though make sure to keep it respectful and suited to the event.
Fill in the seats around the family
In the past, good etiquette suggested rather strict funeral seating: close family in the front and everyone else in the back. While the tradition started as a way to honor the closest kin, keeping everyone segregated has the unintended consequence of isolating the family. “The front rows are still reserved for the family and should be marked as so,” Swann says. “But everyone else should fill in around them. Don’t stick to the back, leaving empty space around them. People want to feel surrounded by support when they are grieving, and sitting closer to the front is one way [for you] to do that.”
Not sure where to sit? Ask the funeral director. That is what they are there for, Swann notes. (More on that below.)
Stand when the casket is being taken out
Most funeral services will have the casket of the deceased in place at the front of the room when mourners arrive, but some will have it brought in after everyone is seated. After the service, the casket will likely be carried out to the hearse, followed by a processional made up of family members. Anytime the casket is being transported in or out, it’s polite to stand. “It shows honor and respect to the deceased and their family,” Goss says.
Embrace unfamiliar religious elements
If a service contains religious elements of a faith you don’t practice, don’t feel rattled or uncomfortable. Instead, look at it as an opportunity to pay tribute to the deceased, support the family and experience a tradition that is obviously meaningful to them.
“You’re not obliged to sign on to the religious beliefs that are being expressed,” Cunningham says. “You’re only obliged to be respectful.” Although you shouldn’t feel forced to partake in a sacrament or say a prayer out loud, it might be helpful to familiarize yourself with any unique religious customs before attending the funeral. Hindus wear white to funerals, for example, while Quakers spend several minutes in silent meditation. And here are some Jewish funeral etiquette rules to follow as a non-Jew attendee. Knowing what to expect will put you at ease before you arrive.
Prepare a couple of comforting sentences in advance
What do you say to someone at a funeral? “This is a big concern for a lot of people, including me,” Goss says. “I recently attended a funeral, and when it was my turn to talk with the family, I couldn’t think of what to say. It was ironic because I, of all people, should know exactly what to say to someone grieving.” It’s normal to freeze in the moment, so she advises preparing a few short remarks in advance. Something like, “My heart is with you at this time,” or “We all loved John so much, and we love you and are here for you.”
Avoid even hinting that they’ll “move on” or that “time will heal.” That isn’t proper grief etiquette. Not only is it not very kind, but “closure is not an admirable aim,” Cunningham explains. “We don’t get over loss; we just get on with our lives in the face of it.”
Keep comments to the family short at the funeral
Sharing a beautiful memory or sweet story about the deceased is a wonderful gift you can give to family members—but save the storytelling for after the funeral service and burial are over, Swann says. “You can offer brief condolences to the family at the funeral, but avoid monopolizing their time, especially when their attention is focused elsewhere,” she advises. “Before sharing a story, I like to ask them first: ‘Would you like to talk about him/her?’ or ‘Is now a good time to talk?’ And then be respectful of their answer.”
Send flowers to the funeral home
While some families request alternatives to flowers, like a donation to a charity loved by the deceased, sending a bouquet of flowers is still the most common and accepted way to show your sympathy to the family, Swann says. Most funeral announcements will have an address where to send the flowers—often directly to the funeral home, she says. Another kind gesture is to bring a heartfelt card to give the family to be read later.
“Look at the funeral announcement or website before sending flowers, and then respect whatever the family has requested,” Goss says.
Turn off your phone
“Proper funeral manners are to have your phone off and put away entirely,” Goss says. “I even recommend leaving it in your car.” You don’t want any distractions during the service, and it’s disrespectful to the family and those seated around you to be using your phone during the service.
Don’t post inappropriate pictures
According to Swann, this is the top funeral etiquette mistake: taking a photo that someone else posted of the deceased and using it on your own social media, or posting a picture of the deceased in their casket. It’s quite common now to take pictures at a funeral, but a lot of people don’t understand how to deal with death on social media. Don’t take any during the service (again, put your phone away), and don’t post pictures of the person in their casket. And it’s a big no-no to take other people’s pictures of their loved one to use on your own social media. “You can post your own pictures of the person, but don’t use other people’s without their permission—that’s something that’s very personal to them,” Swann says. “Only post pictures that belong to you.”
That said, funerals often serve as reunions, and it’s totally fine to take pictures of yourself and others after the service. Just be sure that the pictures are respectful and not attention-seeking.
Direct questions to the funeral director
If you have a question about any aspect of the funeral—from the seating to the burial location to what to do at a funeral—ask before the service starts. And make sure to ask the funeral director, not the family, Goss says. You don’t want to bother the family with these types of concerns, and it is the funeral director’s job to field all of the these and facilitate the funeral.
Encourage the kids to get involved
As a general rule of funeral etiquette, children under age 7 should not attend a funeral service. However, Cunningham recommends handling each individual case differently, depending on the child’s relationship with the deceased and his or her personality. A child who will cry during the ceremony (especially an infant or toddler) should be left at home with a sitter, but older children may be able to play a meaningful role at the service.
“It’s a good thing to help children fear death less and see what generosity is all about by participating in some way,” Cunningham says. Kids may enjoy singing during the service or even coloring a picture for the grieving family. If they’re engaged purposefully, children can be a thoughtful, comforting presence at any funeral ceremony. These books about grief can help you process your feelings and speak to your child about loss.
Follow processional protocol
A funeral procession—a line of cars that follows the hearse to the cemetery—happens after the service is over. If you would like to be a part of the procession, follow the directions of the funeral director for where to park. Often, you will be given a flag to identify your car as part of the processional, and you should place the flag on the front left-hand side.
The procession is generally led by a black sedan, followed by the hearse with the casket, and then close family members. Other loved ones follow after that and fill out the rest of the line.
Don’t feel obligated to attend the burial
Following the service and processional, there is an interment service conducted at the cemetery. The site of interment will be announced at the funeral, and although everyone in attendance is welcome to attend, the graveside service is typically a smaller, more private ceremony. You shouldn’t feel obligated to go if you feel awkward or uncomfortable, but “it’s a nice thing to do if you have the time,” Cunningham says.
Above all, remember that a funeral is about supporting and comforting the grieving family. Following the proper funeral and burial etiquette will help you do that in a kind and compassionate way.
Additional reporting by Brooke Nelson Alexander.
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Reader’s Digest has published hundreds of etiquette stories that help readers navigate communication in a changing world. We regularly cover topics such as the best messages to send for any occasion, polite habits that aren’t as polite as they seem, email and texting etiquette, business etiquette, tipping etiquette, travel etiquette and more. We’re committed to producing high-quality content by writers with expertise and experience in their field in consultation with relevant, qualified experts. We rely on reputable primary sources, including government and professional organizations and academic institutions as well as our writers’ personal experience where appropriate. For this piece on funeral etiquette, Charlotte Hilton Andersen tapped her experience as a longtime journalist who specializes in etiquette and communication for Reader’s Digest. We verify all facts and data, back them with credible sourcing and revisit them over time to ensure they remain accurate and up to date. Read more about our team, our contributors and our editorial policies.
Sources:
- Elaine Swann, founder of the Swann School of Protocol; phone interview, July 22, 2024
- Jan Goss, CEO and founder of Show Up Well Consulting and author of Protocol Power; phone interview, July 17, 2024
- Amy Cunningham, Brooklyn-based funeral director who runs Fitting Tribute Funeral Services; interview, June 2018
Originally Published: June 21, 2018
