Saying "please" and "thank you" is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to children's etiquette
22 Forgotten Manners Every Parent Should Teach Their Child
Updated Sep. 16, 2024
Children’s etiquette isn’t what it used to be. Case in point: One of my students nailed me in the head with a doughnut. I teach a class for high school freshmen, and one recent morning, I felt something whiz past my ear. Before I could process it, a second one hit me right in the side of the head. It was a mini powdered doughnut. I have a pretty decent sense of humor, but this went too far. I took the bag away from the student and put it on my desk.
“Hey! You can’t take my property—those are mine!” he yelled.
“Yes, I can,” I answered. “That was incredibly rude.”
He looked up at me with a shocked expression and said, “What?! I am NOT a rude person!”
As an etiquette writer of more than a decade, I can definitively say that he was being quite rude—no etiquette expert would condone pelting someone with a pastry. But I wasn’t surprised that he didn’t realize he was being rude. Too many of my students have been raised to believe that whatever they do is right, and there are stats to back me up. In 1990, 76% of American parents said that it was important for children to learn good manners, but today that number is barely half, according to a 2023 survey done by King’s College London.
This is a big problem, says Jan Goss, an etiquette expert of more than 30 years who’s raised 50 children—three biological and the rest through the foster-care system. “One of the first things we’d always do when a new child came to stay with us was talk about manners,” she says. “It wasn’t about giving them a long list of rules but about helping kids adapt to the world they’re living in. Kids thrive with clear expectations.”
Why manners matter
“Many people think that teaching children good etiquette restricts their growth or freedom, but the truth is that it’s very empowering to them. It builds their confidence in new situations because they know what’s expected of them,” says Goss, the author of Protocol Power, a book that talks about exactly this. “It also gives them a social advantage, making them more successful in jobs and relationships.”
This is a bigger issue than what is happening in one home or one school. Good manners are an important part of living in a civil society, according to etiquette expert Jodi R.R. Smith, founder of Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting and author of From Clueless to Class Act: Manners for the Modern Woman. “Lacking basic manners will affect kids in all areas of their lives,” she says.
But if you’re reading this, it’s clear that you care about children’s etiquette. Making sure your modern kids know these “old-fashioned” manners will set them ahead of their peers (and many adults). Read on for the etiquette rules you should be teaching your kids, along with pro tips from Goss, Smith and three other etiquette experts on how to do it.
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Knowing when to turn off the phone
Phone manners are a hot-button issue in schools, homes and in public. Most kids, even many young ones, have their own smartphone or ready access to a parent’s, which means “they need to be taught cellphone etiquette as soon as they are old enough to hold one,” says etiquette expert Adeodata Czink, founder of Business of Manners. This starts with knowing when to turn off or silence a phone and when to put it out of sight, like in movie theaters, places of worship, birthday parties and family dinners.
Using headphones in public
“Speakerphone has become a modern plague,” Goss says. “If kids are listening to anything with audio in public, they need to use headphones.” This includes activities like listening to music, watching a video, playing a game or speaking to someone on a video call and in places like restaurants, libraries, stores and offices. But instead of aiming for more headphone use, perhaps aim for less phone use overall. “Kids need to be engaged with their environment and be a part of what’s happening around them to learn,” she says. “It’s critical for their development.”
Helping to clean up
“Teaching kids to help clean up after a playdate they attended or a dinner they ate is important,” Goss says. “But it’s also important to teach them to help clean up even if they didn’t make the mess.” Kids are very fairness oriented and may balk at first at doing things like putting groceries away or cleaning the bathroom, but if they benefit from using those things, then they should help with them, she notes. In addition, encouraging kids to help others clean up—say, after a birthday party—is a good way to teach kindness and empathy.
Using a napkin
It’s understandable when young children lick their fingers or wipe their hands on their pants (or the table or the wall or your shirt), but you can teach them very early on how to use both cloth and paper napkins. “Model good table manners by showing them how you place the napkin over your lap and how you use it to wipe your mouth,” Goss says. “Kids are great imitators—they will do it if you do it.”
While we’re on the subject, don’t forget to teach them to place their cloth napkin next to their plate when finished eating or throw a paper napkin in the trash.
Including everyone
Getting left out of a party, game, lunch group or discussion is incredibly painful for anyone, regardless of age. Children may exclude others around them unintentionally, because they’re unaware, or intentionally, because they have social anxiety or simply don’t like them. Regardless of the reason, kids should be taught to include everyone, Goss says. This doesn’t mean they have to be best friends with everyone or put themselves in dangerous situations but that they should be polite and aware of others’ feelings. This includes teaching them to notice who is around them, talk politely in social situations and extend invitations.
“Even things like telling your child they can’t hand out birthday invitations at school if they’re not inviting everyone in the class will set a good example,” Goss says. “Ask them how they would feel if they were on the other side.”
Saying “no thank you”
“Knowing how to say no politely is an art, and many adults still struggle with it,” Goss says. Some kids may not feel like they can say no or they’re afraid of disappointing the person, while other kids have no problems saying it but aren’t polite about it. The key to mastering this etiquette skill is practice, so you should give kids opportunities to do this. Start with low-stakes situations like declining the guacamole at a restaurant, and work up to tougher situations like turning down a playdate invitation.
Plus, Goss adds, “all children should be taught to speak up and say no firmly to doing things that make them feel unsafe.” This goes beyond children’s etiquette, since it can help protect them in all sorts of scenarios, with both kids and adults. Role-playing can be particularly helpful here.
Respecting others’ boundaries
Whether it’s a friend who doesn’t want a hug, a cousin who doesn’t want to share their snack, a dog that doesn’t want to be petted or a parent who insists they knock before opening the bathroom door, it’s important to teach kids to respect physical, emotional, social and privacy boundaries. “Children should be taught to listen when someone tells them they don’t like it when they do something,” Goss says. “Teaching kids to respect boundaries also shows them it’s OK to make and hold healthy boundaries for themselves.”
And remember, it goes both ways: If you want kids to respect your boundaries, be respectful of their boundaries.
Saying “you’re welcome”
Remembering to say “please” and “thank you” is a great start, but you should also be teaching your kids how to politely accept a thank-you. “Many children will say ‘no problem,’ ‘whatever,’ ‘OK’ or not reply at all when thanked,” Czink says. “The proper response is to say ‘you’re welcome’ or even ‘my pleasure.'” When kids get it right, give them positive reinforcement by praising them for their efforts.
Doing small acts of service
“Etiquette is about empathy, and it’s the little acts of kindness that help society run smoothly,” Goss says. Things like holding doors open, picking up dropped items or letting someone go first in line go a long way. There are also plenty of small acts of polite service that even young children can do for adults and other kids, such as baking cookies for a friend or shoveling a neighbor’s driveway after a snowstorm. Of course, teach them to do it in a safe way, when an adult they know is present, and don’t force them to interact with strangers they are uncomfortable with.
Saying “thank you” to service workers
Saying “thank you” is the bedrock of all good manners, but many children (and adults!) overlook thanking the people that help them in many little ways each day, like waitstaff, store clerks, teachers and bus drivers. It’s not just about politeness but about teaching children to recognize and acknowledge others’ contributions as valuable. “Ultimately it’s about teaching them not to treat other people as if they are their servants,” Czink says.
Giving up their seat
Giving up a seat to an elderly or pregnant person used to be commonplace, but these days, many people prioritize their child’s comfort over that of others. Unless they are very young or ill, most children are perfectly capable of standing for a period of time (they may even prefer it!), and “this is the perfect opportunity to teach them to show kindness and think of others,” Czink says. This is a particularly good reminder for tweens and teens who may not be looking for those around them who need help.
RSVP’ing to invitations
It’s true that invitations are a lot more casual these days, but whether you get an evite or a paper card, it’s still important to RSVP so the host can prepare, says Maryanne Parker, a professional etiquette coach and the owner of Manor of Manners. There are many reasons a child may balk at replying: They may prefer to hedge their bets and wait for a more exciting invitation, they may not want to make a phone call and talk to the other person, they may be distracted or forgetful, or they may not want to say no and disappoint the host. Regardless of the reason, it’s more important than ever to “teach your children to RSVP promptly as a sign of basic respect and gratitude for being invited,” Parker says.
Waiting to eat until everyone is seated and served
Whether you’re dining at home or in a restaurant, the proper etiquette is to wait to begin eating the meal until everyone is served, Parker says. Many people are under the impression that children should always get to eat right away, but even young kids can be taught to wait several minutes for everyone else.
A big part of this on parents, though: Don’t take children to restaurants that they’re not capable of behaving in. Children will be more successful using good table manners at a casual restaurant than at a fancy two-hour, four-course meal. “If young children are getting restless or hungry, offer them a small snack to help them wait and prevent meltdowns,” Goss adds.
Using their indoor voices
Whether they’re crying, laughing or just talking, children can be very loud. A parent should teach their child early on how to “moderate their volume and tone based on the situation,” Parker says. For instance, running and screaming at an outdoor park is fine, but doing it in a restaurant is not. To help them practice, you can make it into a fun game for little ones, like seeing who can whisper the quietest in a church. Learning how to turn children’s etiquette into a game is one of the habits of successful parents.
Taking turns talking
Kids are natural interrupters, but while their desire for your attention is normal and appropriate, their need to get it at the expense of others in the conversation is not. Teach your child to tap your arm and then wait patiently for you to acknowledge them before speaking, Parker says. If they do interrupt, calmly tell them it’s rude to interrupt and let them know you’ll acknowledge them shortly. “Remember it goes both ways,” she adds. “Offer your child the same courtesy, and don’t interrupt them when it’s their turn to talk.”
Making polite observations
Telling Uncle Floyd he looks pregnant or asking a stranger why they have polka dots (acne) on their face is developmentally appropriate behavior for young kids learning about the world around them. However, they need to be taught that their words impact others and that they can cause hurt feelings by commenting on people’s appearances. Compliments are fine, but talking about other people’s appearance in public should be off-limits—that’s a rude conversation habit. “Teach them that if they’re not sure if they should say something, they should wait until they can tell you in private,” Goss says.
Covering a cough or sneeze
Fact: Children are germ factories. One way to slow down the spread of germs is to teach children to cough or sneeze into a tissue or their elbow, says etiquette expert Lisa Grotts, founder of the Golden Rules Gal. It’s not just a matter of hygiene—it’s also a way to help others feel safe and comfortable around you. “Don’t forget to teach them to say ‘excuse me’ after,” she adds.
Writing thank-you notes
“Gift-givers like to know that their gift was received and that the recipient enjoyed it,” Grotts says. And children of all ages should be taught to draw or write a thank-you card when they receive a present. Another modern option is to send a thank-you text or email, preferably with a cute picture of the kiddo holding the gift or a thank-you sign.
Using good social media etiquette
Unless they are very young, most kids are on social media these days, and that means they need to be taught the do’s and don’ts of social interactions online, Grotts says. This could be its own article, but the basics include not posting pictures of or tagging other people without their permission, never giving out personal information and never saying anything online that you wouldn’t say in person.
Introducing themselves
Many children balk at making eye contact or speaking with people they don’t know, and they need to be taught how to greet others politely. “The ideal way to introduce oneself is to make eye contact, extend your hand for a handshake and smile warmly,” Grotts says, adding that this is true for children and adults. However, if shaking hands isn’t encouraged (due to the potential for sickness) or a child doesn’t feel comfortable touching someone else, a nod or fist bump is perfectly acceptable.
Being on time
Even though kids can’t drive, “they can and should be taught the importance of being prepared and on time,” Grotts says. Not only will it help their day run more smoothly, but it’s also a sign of respect to their classmates, friends, teachers and family members. With children, this means teaching them how to manage transitions from one activity to the next, learning to tell time and always putting away things like shoes and coats.
Speaking properly on the phone
The younger generation may be more adept at using smartphones, but older people generally have better phone manners, particularly when it comes to speaking on the phone. It’s alarming how many children don’t know the basics of conversing on the phone, Czink says. Teach them to answer a call with “hello” and to say something to end it rather than just hanging up the phone or handing it back to an adult. Demonstrate to your child how to start a phone call, introduce themselves and take turns speaking. Make sure they know how to handle video calls as well. This is just one of the etiquette rules that have changed in the last decade.
How to teach children manners
Teaching children etiquette doesn’t have to be a fight. Our experts recommend six simple steps to raise polite adults:
- Practice at home. Prepare children in advance for different situations so they won’t be surprised in the moment.
- Have age-appropriate expectations. Know what your child is capable of learning and doing at each stage of life. “Parents are often surprised by what their kids can handle when given the chance,” Goss says
- Set a good example. Kids are the best mimics—for better and for worse—so mind your own manners, even if you think they’re not watching.
- Skip threats and punishments. They don’t work, and positive reinforcement is more effective in the long run. Using threats is a sign that you might be a toxic parent.
- Correct quietly or in private. Don’t embarrass your child by calling out their mistakes publicly or making fun of them.
- Keep the conversation going. Make sure your kids know they can always come to you with questions.
About the experts
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Why trust us
Reader’s Digest has published hundreds of etiquette stories that help readers navigate communication in a changing world. We regularly cover topics such as the best messages to send for any occasion, polite habits that aren’t as polite as they seem, email and texting etiquette, business etiquette, tipping etiquette, travel etiquette and more. We’re committed to producing high-quality content by writers with expertise and experience in their field in consultation with relevant, qualified experts. We rely on reputable primary sources, including government and professional organizations and academic institutions as well as our writers’ personal experience where appropriate. For this piece on children’s etiquette, Charlotte Hilton Andersen tapped her experience as a longtime journalist who specializes in etiquette and communication for Reader’s Digest. We verify all facts and data, back them with credible sourcing and revisit them over time to ensure they remain accurate and up to date. Read more about our team, our contributors and our editorial policies.
Sources:
- Jan Goss, etiquette expert, founder of Show Up Well Consulting and author of Protocol Power; phone interview, Aug. 15, 2024
- Jodi R.R. Smith, founder of Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting; phone interview, February 2021
- Adeodata Czink, etiquette expert and founder of Business of Manners; email interview, February 2021
- Maryanne Parker, professional etiquette coach and owner of Manor of Manners; phone interview, February 2021
- Lisa Grotts, etiquette expert and founder of the Golden Rules Gal; phone interview, February 2021
- Kings College London: “Parenting priorities: International attitudes towards raising children”
Originally Published: February 04, 2021
