101 History Jokes That Even History Buffs Will Find Hilarious
Updated: Jun. 28, 2024
Those who do not laugh at history are doomed to repeat it. These history jokes will provide the lessons and LOLs you need.
The funniest history jokes of all time
A study of history shows that humans have always been hilarious. Why, there are probably jokes on cave walls, like: What do you call the slowest hunter in the pack? (Answer: Bait.) History jokes can make us feel less alone in the present, more knowledgeable about the past and more hopeful that whatever we’re going through now will be funny in the future. Plus, you’ll feel super smart when you get these funny jokes. Feel free to email your old history teacher to show him you were paying attention way back when!
From ancient-history humor to presidential jokes and everything in between, this list has something for everyone. So please, sit down for the only history class you can’t fail, and enjoy this collection of 100-plus history jokes from all ages, for all ages.
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Funny history jokes
- Why was World War I so quick?
Because they were Russian.
- Why was World War II so slow?
Because they were Stalin.
- What was Louis XIV after he finished the Palace of Versailles?
Baroque.
- What is the name of a severely injured historical figure?
Napoleon Bone-apart!
- Who rides through South America on a horse with a sense of entitlement and a savory tart?
A con-quiche-tador.
- How do you get Americans to join a world war?
Tell them it’s nearly finished.
- Why is England the wettest country?
Because the royal family’s always reigning.
- Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Because they were too heavy for a museum to steal.
- How did the Vikings send secret messages?
By Norse code.
- Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
- Who was the most popular band in caveman times?
Stone Age Temple Pilots.
- Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
- Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
- Why was the Russian city renamed Stalingrad?
Because Joseph Stalin finished college.
- Why did Karl Marx dislike drinking Earl Grey with his breakfast?
Because proper tea is theft.
- What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?
Plymouth Rock!
If you liked that one, don’t miss these hilarious Thanksgiving jokes the whole family will gobble up.
American history jokes
- What kind of tea did the American colonists want?
Liberty.
- Who was the biggest jokester in George Washington’s army?
Laughayette.
- Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
- What did King George think of the American Colonies?
That they were revolting.
- Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?
Yeah, it cracked me up too!
- How did Benjamin Franklin feel when he discovered electricity?
Shocked.
- What was all the rage at Colonial parties in 1776?
Doing the Indepen-dance.
- What was the favorite food of General Washington’s army during the Revolutionary War?
Chicken Catch-a-Tory.
- What was the craziest battle of the Revolutionary War?
The Battle of Bonkers Hill.
- Which colonists told the most dad jokes?
Punsylvanians!
- Who was the first ghost in America’s original 13 Colonies?
Pocahauntus.
- What was the quickest way to Alexander Hamilton’s heart?
A duel with pistols.
- Why is every American allowed to wear short sleeves to work?
Because the Second Amendment gives them the right to bare arms.
- What’s the opposite of the Constitution?
The Prostitution.
- Why did the pioneers cross the country in covered wagons?
Because they didn’t want to wait 40 years for a train.
- Did the Confederate Army think they were racist?
General Lee speaking, no.
- When was the last time Abraham Lincoln cried?
Four score and seven tears ago.
- What was the least significant battle in the Civil War?
Pettysburg.
- Which monument always gossips about the other monuments?
The Statue of Liber-tea.
- What caused the Great Depression?
A lack of self-care.
Ding! That’s the bell. Time for your next class and these science jokes!
History jokes for kids
- What did the pharaoh say when he saw the pyramid?
“Mummy’s home!”
- What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
The same middle name!
- What do you get when you cross a fancy, patriotic American with a curly-haired dog?
A Yankee Poodle Dandy.
- Was the Declaration of Independence signed in Philadelphia?
No, it was signed in ink.
- Where did General Patton keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
- Who can jump higher than the Statue of Liberty?
Anyone. Statues can’t jump.
- Why did the knight always carry a pencil and paper?
To draw his sword.
- Why did Christopher Columbus sail to North America?
It was too far to swim.
- Why were the early days of history called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
- Why did George Washington have trouble sleeping?
Because he couldn’t lie.
If you want to impress a pint-size audience, keep the laughs going with these other hilarious jokes for kids.
Witty jokes about history
- John Adams famously said, “Always stand on principle, even if you stand alone.” A great defense of being a jerk, from America’s first unpopular politician.
- My grandpa destroyed 12 German planes during World War II. I can proudly say that he was, without a doubt, the single worst mechanic in the history of Luftwaffe.
- In a democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your count that votes.
- Swedish astronomer Anders Celsius died in 1744 at the age of 43. However, his rival, Fahrenheit, believed he was 109.
- On March 10, 1876, Alexander Graham Bell made the first telephone call. Moments later, he received the first phone call, asking if he was happy with his auto insurance.
- My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes. We now call him Dr. Awkward.
- Two wrongs don’t make a right. But two Wrights make an airplane!
- Benjamin Franklin is quoted as saying, “To succeed, jump as quickly at opportunities as you do at conclusions.” Less known is his next sentence: “Unless said opportunity involves kites and lightning storms. I regret that jump.”
- James Monroe is the last American president to run unopposed, making his election the last one that didn’t turn ugly.
- The first televised presidential debate was in 1960. Voters who watched it felt that John F. Kennedy won, while those who watched on the radio complained about the lack of visuals.
- The U.S. government has been there for its citizens through several wars, financial depressions, pandemics and countless tragedies. So … I’m starting to think it’s bad luck?
- Historians believe a lot of conflicts in the Wild West could have been avoided if architects had only made the town big enough for the both of them.
Laughter—like history—never stops, so enjoy these funny one-liners next!
Funny long history jokes
Soviet rules
A man from the Soviet Union moves to the USA. Once there, his new neighbor is curious about what brings him to the States, so she asks the man what his apartment was like back in Russia.
“Oh, my old apartment was perfect. I could not complain.”
So the neighbor asks what his job was like back home.
“Oh, my old job was perfect. I could not complain.”
So the neighbor asks him what the food was like back in the USSR.
“Oh, the food was perfect. I could not complain.”
Puzzled, the neighbor finally asks him, “If everything was so great in the Soviet Union, why did you move?”
The man says, “Here, I can complain!”
Ancient love
Two archeologists are in Mexico to excavate an ancient Mayan burial ground. They hope to find remains for their museum, but unfortunately, everything they dig up is horribly decomposed.
One of them says, “We don’t seem to be having much luck.”
The other archeologist replies, “Keep digging. A good Mayan is hard to find.”
Watches weren’t invented yet
A caveman walks into an empty college lecture hall. He looks around for a moment, then shrugs and sits down in the front row.
After a beat, the college’s janitor walks by. Seeing the caveman, the janitor says, “Hey, the anthropology class doesn’t start for another hour. You’re early, man.”
Dad jokes aren’t extinct
While admiring some dinosaur bones in the Museum of Natural History, a tourist asks a guard, “How old are they?”
Without even a moment’s hesitation, the guard replies, “73 million, 4 years and 6 months old.”
Impressed, the tourist says, “Wow. That’s an incredibly exact number. How do you know their age so precisely?”
“Well,” answers the guard, “the dinosaur bones were 73 million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.”
History is written by the winners
It’s medieval times, and bets are being placed on who can shoot an apple atop a man’s head.
The first archer steps up, draws back his bow, gives a cocky smile and shoots the arrow square into the apple. He then turns to the crowd and announces, “I’m Robin Hood.”
The next archer steps up, draws back his bow, takes a calming breath and shoots the arrow even more perfectly, splitting the apple in two! He then turns to the crowd and says, “I’m William Tell.”
The final archer walks right up, aims carefully and then lets loose his arrow … but unfortunately it flies right into the man’s head. He then turns to the crowd and says, “I’m … I’m sorry.”
For more comedy gold and funny stories, check out these military jokes.
Jokes for history majors
- Why should you never major in history?
There’s no future in it.
- Why does history keep repeating itself?
Because we weren’t listening the first time.
- What do you call an old joke that doesn’t get a laugh?
Prehysterical.
- What’s the difference between an archeologist and a grave robber?
Museum backing.
- What does being a fry cook have in common with archaeology?
Everything you do ultimately goes back to Greece.
- Why did the archaeologist go bankrupt?
Because his career was in ruins!
- How is history like fruit cake?
Both are full of dates.
- Why do historians think our modern society is so chaotic?
Because it all started in Mess-opotamia.
- What is the one thing that every history major wants to discover?
Tenure.
- What’s the greatest historical inaccuracy in any Indiana Jones movie?
That history majors look like Harrison Ford.
If you’re looking for more funny quips, try these short jokes anyone can remember.
Ancient history jokes
- What do you call a Mayan snake god tied in a knot?
Pretzel-coatl.
- What came right after the invention of the wheel?
The first backseat driver.
- Which ancient civilization wasn’t wiped out by a mass plague?
The Maskedonians.
- What’s the most popular children’s movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
- How do you get rich in ancient Greece?
Step 1, become an oracle. Step 2: prophet.
- What do you call a medieval camera?
Sir Veillance.
- What do you call a medieval knight who’s always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
- What do you call a medieval joke that keeps repeating itself?
Sir Cular.
- How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
- Why did ancient Egyptians wear makeup?
To look better than their mummies.
- Why did Henry VIII cross the road?
To get to the other bride.
For anyone who’s becoming history, here’s a collection of jokes about aging that will make getting older a lot more enjoyable.
Funny one-liners about international history
- Chichén Itzá is not yours—it’s Mayan!
- Viking tradition said a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man, originating the phrase, “It takes a pillage to raise a child.”
- No one should have been surprised by the rise of the USSR after World War II—there were red flags everywhere.
- I don’t get why the British don’t celebrate the 4th of July: You’d think that 240 years of being separate from America would be something to be happy about.
- I can’t tell you Japan’s entire history in one joke, but I can samurais.
- My girlfriend wanted me to treat her like a princess, so I married her off to a stranger to strengthen my alliance with Belgium.
- I marvel at how ancient Greek sculptors made all those statues without arms. I mean, how did they hold the tools?
- Last night on Dancing with the Tsars, Peter and Catherine were great, but Ivan was terrible.
- My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles’ elbow.
- Before the Bronze Age, people who came in third were simply called losers.
- To the many who have been ritually sacrificed by Aztec kings … your heart goes out to us.
Admit it: You laughed. Which means you’ll definitely love these deliciously dark jokes.
Knock-knock jokes about history
- Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
President William Henry Harrison.
President William Henry Harrison who?
Ah, never mind. His presidency ended while you were saying that.
- Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Interrupting Paul Revere.
Interrupting Paul Rev—
THE BRITISH ARE COMING! THE BRITISH ARE COMING!
- Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Queen?
Queen who?
Queen your room. It’s filthy!
- Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
The Spanish Inquisition.
The Spanish Inquisition who?
Hey, we’re the ones who ask the questions!
- Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Empress Wu.
Empress Wu who?
Aw, I know I’m divine royalty, but no need to start crying!
- Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Sacagawea.
Sacagawea who?
Ugh! This is why I shouldn’t have let Lewis and Clark take all the credit.
If you want more laughs like this, check out this list of hilarious knock-knock jokes next.
Why trust us
Reader’s Digest has been telling jokes for more than 100 years, curated and reviewed over the last 20 years by Senior Features Editor Andy Simmons, a humor editor formerly of National Lampoon and the author of Now That’s Funny. We’ve earned prestigious ASME awards for our humor—including comical quips, pranks, puns, cartoons, one-liners, knock-knock jokes, riddles, memes, tweets and stories in laugh-out-loud magazine columns such as “Life in These United States,” “All in a Day’s Work,” “Laughter, the Best Medicine” and “Humor in Uniform,” as well as online collections such as short jokes, dad jokes and bad jokes so bad, they’re great. You can find a century of humor in our 2022 compendium, Reader’s Digest: Laughter, the Best Medicine. For this story on the funniest history jokes, Brendan Hay tapped his experience as a comedy writer for DC Comics and TV shows including The Daily Show, The Simpsons and Robot Chicken. Read more about our team, our contributors and our editorial policies.
Originally Published: July 13, 2018
