Weather Jokes
You won’t need an umbrella or snow boots for these winter jokes and summer jokes.
Don’t let the rain get you down! Our “it’s so cold” jokes and “it’s so hot” jokes will keep you laughing even through a thunderstorm.
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On a fishing trip to a remote lake in Northern Quebec, I asked the outfitter, “Do you stay here during the winter?” “No,” he said. “The snow gets too deep....
Getting sick
How do you prevent a Summer cold?
Catch it in the Winter!
How do you prevent a Summer cold?
Catch it in the Winter!
Daylight Saving in Seattle
Q: What does daylight saving time mean in Seattle?
A: An extra hour of rain
Q: What does daylight saving time mean in Seattle?
A: An extra hour of rain
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Lightening dates
Q: Where do lightning bolts go on dates?
A: To Cloud 9
Q: Where do lightning bolts go on dates?
A: To Cloud 9
A Month’s Worth of Rain
Q: What do you call a month's worth of rain?
A: England
Q: What do you call a month's worth of rain?
A: England
Dangerous Precipitation
Q: What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A: A rain of terror
Q: What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A: A rain of terror
A Mountain’s Favorite Candy
Q: What is a mountain's favorite type of candy?
A: Snow caps
Q: What is a mountain's favorite type of candy?
A: Snow caps
The Snowman’s Baby
Q: What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby's crib?
A: A snowmobile!
Q: What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby's crib?
A: A snowmobile!
The Lying Snowman
Q: What do you call a snowman that tells tall tales?
A: A snow-fake!
Q: What do you call a snowman that tells tall tales?
A: A snow-fake!
A snowman’s lunch
Q: What do snowmen eat for lunch?
A: Icebergers
Q: What do snowmen eat for lunch?
A: Icebergers
Talk about a cold seat
Q: What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
A: Polaroids!
Q: What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
A: Polaroids!
Eye of the Hurricane
Q: How does a hurricane see?
A: With its eye.
Q: How does a hurricane see?
A: With its eye.
Bees in the Rain
Q: Can Bees fly in the rain?
A: Not without their yellow jackets.
Q: Can Bees fly in the rain?
A: Not without their yellow jackets.
Queen’s Rain
Q: What is a Queens favorite kind of precipitation?
A: Reign!
Q: What is a Queens favorite kind of precipitation?
A: Reign!
Mexico Weather
Q: What is the Mexican weather report?
A: Chili today and hot tamale.
Q: What is the Mexican weather report?
A: Chili today and hot tamale.
Evaporating Raindrop
Q: What did the evaporating raindrop say?
A: I'm going to pieces.
Q: What did the evaporating raindrop say?
A: I'm going to pieces.
Roof Shingles
Q: What did the hail storm say to the roof?
A: Hang onto your shingles, this will be no ordinary sprinkles.
Q: What did the hail storm say to the roof?
A: Hang onto your shingles, this will be no ordinary sprinkles.
Bear Caught in the Rain
Q: What do you call a wet bear?
A: A drizzly bear
Q: What do you call a wet bear?
A: A drizzly bear
Seattle Rain
Q: What do you call two straight days of rain in Seattle?
A: A weekend.
Q: What do you call two straight days of rain in Seattle?
A: A weekend.
Umbrellas Up
Q: What goes up when the rain comes down?
A: An Umbrella.
Q: What goes up when the rain comes down?
A: An Umbrella.
Sprinkling Rain
Q: What does it do before it rains candy?
A: It sprinkles!
Q: What does it do before it rains candy?
A: It sprinkles!
Rain Feast
Q: Why did the man use ketchup in the rain?
A: Because it was raining cats and hot dogs
Q: Why did the man use ketchup in the rain?
A: Because it was raining cats and hot dogs
Raindrop Convo
Q: What did one raindrop say to the other?
A: Two's company, three's a cloud
Q: What did one raindrop say to the other?
A: Two's company, three's a cloud
Rapper Rain
Q: Why does Snoop dog need an umbrella?
A: Fo' Drizzle.
Q: Why does Snoop dog need an umbrella?
A: Fo' Drizzle.
Horses and Weather
Q: What's the difference between a horse and the weather?
A: One is reined up and the other rains down.
Q: What's the difference between a horse and the weather?
A: One is reined up and the other rains down.
Raining Money
Q: When does it rain money?
A: When there is "change" in the weather.
Q: When does it rain money?
A: When there is "change" in the weather.
King’s Rain
Q: What is a king's favorite kind of precipitation?
A: Hail!
Q: What is a king's favorite kind of precipitation?
A: Hail!
Weather Money
Q: Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?
A: Because she expected some change in the weather.
Q: Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?
A: Because she expected some change in the weather.
Horse vs Rain
Q: What’s the difference between a horse and the weather?
A: One is reined up and the other rains down.
Q: What’s the difference between a horse and the weather?
A: One is reined up and the other rains down.
Foggy LA
Q: What happens when fog lifts in California?
A: UCLA!
Q: What happens when fog lifts in California?
A: UCLA!
Thermometer Love
Q: What did the thermometer say to the other thermometer?
A: You make my temperature rise.
Q: What did the thermometer say to the other thermometer?
A: You make my temperature rise.
Tornado Cow
Q: Whatever happened to the cow that was lifted into the air by the tornado?
A: Udder disaster!
Q: Whatever happened to the cow that was lifted into the air by the tornado?
A: Udder disaster!
Lightning Love
Q: What did the lightning bolt say to the other lightning bolt?
A: You're shocking!
Q: What did the lightning bolt say to the other lightning bolt?
A: You're shocking!
Lazy Weather
Q: What type of cloud is so lazy, because it will never get up?
A: Fog!
Q: What type of cloud is so lazy, because it will never get up?
A: Fog!
Sport Strike
Q: What type of lightning likes to play sports?
A: Ball lightning!
Q: What type of lightning likes to play sports?
A: Ball lightning!
Weather Underwear
Q: What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
A: Thunderwear!
Q: What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
A: Thunderwear!
Hurricane Vision
Q: How do hurricanes see?
A: With one eye!
Q: How do hurricanes see?
A: With one eye!
Snowman’s Savings
Q: Where do snowmen keep their money?
A: In a snow bank.
Q: Where do snowmen keep their money?
A: In a snow bank.
Una LaMarche on Spring Fashion
No, I’m not walking on string-cheese stilts. These are just my first bare legs of the season.
@sassycurmudgeon (Una LaMarche)
No, I’m not walking on string-cheese stilts. These are just my first bare legs of the season.
@sassycurmudgeon (Una LaMarche)
Tom Parry on Folk Wisdom
Red sky at night, shepherd’s
delight. Blue sky at night, day.
Humorist Tom Parry
Red sky at night, shepherd’s
delight. Blue sky at night, day.
Humorist Tom Parry
Lew Schneider on Sunblock
We use a really strong sunblock when we go to the beach with the kids. It’s SPF 80: You squeeze the tube, and a sweater comes out.
Lew Schneider
We use a really strong sunblock when we go to the beach with the kids. It’s SPF 80: You squeeze the tube, and a sweater comes out.
Lew Schneider
Winter Punderland
As we waited for a bus in the frosty weather, the woman next to me mentioned that she makes a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold.
I nodded knowingly. “It’s the early signs of typothermia.”
Phil Noyes, Yakima, Washington
As we waited for a bus in the frosty weather, the woman next to me mentioned that she makes a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold. I nodded...
How Hot Was It?
It was so hot in Beverly Hills,
people were frying egg whites on the sidewalk.
Comedian Matt Wohlfarth
It was so hot in Beverly Hills,
people were frying egg whites on the sidewalk.
Comedian Matt Wohlfarth
Don’t Knock the Weather.
Don’t knock the weather. If it didn’t change once in a while, nine tenths of the people couldn’t start a conversation.
Kin Hubbard
Don’t knock the weather. If it didn’t change once in a while, nine tenths of the people couldn’t start a conversation.
Kin Hubbard
Electricity is Really Just…
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
George Carlin
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
George Carlin
It’s Been Raining so Much in LA that…
It’s been raining so much in Los Angeles that the Chia Pet I threw in the garbage is now blocking my entire driveway.
Jay Leno
It’s been raining so much in Los Angeles that the Chia Pet I threw in the garbage is now blocking my entire driveway.
Jay Leno
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If I’m on the Course and Lightning Starts…
If I’m on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him.
Bob Hope
If I’m on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him.
Bob Hope
Why Does Moisture Destroy…
Why does moisture destroy leather? When it’s raining, cows don’t go up to the farmhouse yelling, “Let us in! We’re all wearing leather! We’re going to ruin the whole outfit here!”
Jerry Seinfeld
Why does moisture destroy leather? When it’s raining, cows don’t go up to the farmhouse yelling, “Let us in! We’re all wearing leather! We’re going to ruin the whole outfit...
Coastal Town Names
Concerned about what will happen to cities if the polar ice caps melt? Don't be. New names have already been chosen.
Atlantis City, New Jersey
Pariscope, France
Sail 'Em, Massachusetts
Floodelphia, Pennsylvania
Helsunki, Finland
Sao Marco ... Paulo, Brazil
Atlantis City, New Jersey
Pariscope, France
Sail 'Em, Massachusetts
Floodelphia, Pennsylvania
Helsunki, Finland
Sao Marco ... Paulo, Brazil
Concerned about what will happen to cities if the polar ice caps melt? Don’t be. New names have already been chosen. Atlantis City, New Jersey Pariscope, France Sail ‘Em, Massachusetts...
17 Warm-Weather Jokes for Summer
1. Past Lives
On a family vacation one summer, we crossed Wyoming and noted several historical points of interest. The children were especially interested because they enjoyed the computer game "Oregon Trail," which gives players a taste of the hardships the pioneers endured. We stopped at the famous South Pass to look at the wagon tracks still visible in the dirt. Squinting out over the desolate, wind-swept landscape, my daughter nodded and said grimly, "This is where my oxen always die."
-- Quin Gilbert
2. Mr. Summertime
We all grew up in a town on the New Jersey shore and spent our summers at the beach, swimming, surfing, hanging out with friends. One of my friends loved the season so much, we began calling him Mr. Summertime. "What happens when summer is over?" someone asked.
I thought for a minute, then said, "In September he becomes the Fall Guy."
-- J. Cummings
3. Wishful Thinking
My two-year-old cousin scared us one summer by disappearing during our lakeside vacation. More than a dozen relatives searched the forest and shoreline, and everyone was relieved when we found Matthew playing calmly in the woods.
"Listen to me, Matthew," his mother said sharply. "From now on when you want to go someplace, you tell Mommy first, okay?"
Matthew thought about that for a moment and said, "Okay. Disney World."
-- Leah Hallenbeck
4. Moving Forward
The summer after college graduation, I was living at home, fishing in the daytime, spending nights with my friends—generally just hanging out. One afternoon my grandfather, who never went to college, stopped by.
Concerned with how I was spending my time, he asked about my future plans. I told him I was in no hurry to tie myself down to a career.
"Well," he replied, "you better start thinking about it. You'll be thirty before you know it."
"But I'm closer to twenty than to thirty," I protested. "I won't be thirty for eight more years."
"I see," he said, smiling. "And when will you be twenty again?"
-- Marshall K. Essig
5. Sounding Off
I was with a friend in a café when a noisy car alarm interrupted our conversation. "What good are car alarms when no one pays any attention to them?" I wondered aloud.
"Some are quite effective," my friend corrected me. "Last summer, my teenager spent a lot of time at the neighbors'. Whenever I wanted him home, I'd go out to our driveway and jostle his car."
-- Sheila Moore
6. A Perfect Fit
For her summer job, my 18-year-old daughter arranged interviews at several day-care centers. At one meeting, she sat down on one of the kiddie seats, no simple task for most people. The interview went well, and at the end, the day-care center director asked the standard question, "Can you give me one good reason we should hire you?"
"Because I fit in the chairs." She got the job.
-- Judith L. McKay
7. Tag Sale Special
I was getting ready for a tag sale one summer day. Since it was so humid out, I decided to stay inside my air-conditioned house and mark the special stickers I had bought for the sale. Then I slapped them on my blouse, ran outside, stuck them on the appropriate items and rushed back inside. I did this until every item was labeled. Later that day a UPS man came by the house with a delivery. I noticed that as I was signing for the package, he seemed ill at ease. It was only after he left that I noticed there was one sticker still attached to the front of my blouse. It read "Make me an offer."
-- Mary E. Koppelmann
8. Clowning Around
Before heading on vacation, I went to a tanning salon. I was under the lights so long the protective eye shades I wore left a big white circle around each eye. Gazing at myself in the mirror the next day, I thought, "Man, I look like a clown." I had almost convinced myself I was overreacting -- until I was in line at the grocery store. I felt a tug at my shirt and looked down to see a toddler staring up at me, "Are you giving out balloons?" he asked.
-- Nina Secviar, Hammond, Ind.
9. Hotter Cooler
On a recent vacation at a resort with my in-laws, we planned to spend an afternoon at the pool with our kids. We wanted to bring our own drinks, but were unsure of the hotel's policy. My brother-in-law called the front desk, and assuming everyone was familiar with the brand of ice chest he had, asked if it was all right if he brought a Playmate to the pool. After a pause the clerk asked, "Does she have her own towel?"
-- Tina M. Digiovanna
10. Forcast
Vacationing in Vermont, I picked up the local paper to check out the forecast. It read: Today: Sunny, 76. Tonight: Not so sunny, 55.
-- Norrine Trono
11. Beach Date
Our first day at a resort my wife and I decided to hit the beach. When I went back to our room to get something to drink, one of the hotel maids was making our bed. I grabbed my cooler and was on my way out when I paused and asked, "Can we drink beer on the beach?"
"Sure," she said, "but I have to finish the rest of the rooms first."
-- Louis Allard
12. Familiar Faces
Vacationing in Hawaii, two priests decide to wear casual clothes so they won't be identified as clergy. They buy Hawaiian shirts and sandals, and soon hit the beach. They notice a gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini. "Good afternoon, Fathers," she says as she strolls by.
The men are stunned. How does she know they're clergy? Later they buy even wilder attire: surfer shorts, tie-dyed T-shirts, and dark glasses. The next day, they return to the beach. The same fabulous blonde, now wearing a string bikini, passes by, nods politely at them, and says, "Good morning, Fathers."
"Just a minute, young lady," says one of the priests. "We are priests and proud of it, but how in the world did you know?"
"Don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Kathryn from the convent."
-- Michael Rana
13. Noisy by Nature
Some people just aren't happy unless they have something to complain about. I stayed in a beautiful hotel right on the beach in California -- an idyllic spot, you would think. But while I was waiting to check out, I heard the manager ask another guest, "Did you enjoy your stay?"
"Not really," the man said grimly.
"I'm sorry to hear that," the manager apologized.
"What was the problem?"
"The surf was too loud."
-- Daniel Vargas
14. Something's Fishy
While in the men's room at a beach park in Florida, I noticed they had a plastic baby-changing table installed on the wall. Apparently, some sportsmen had co-opted this politically correct amenity for their own use. Above the table was a sign saying: "It is unlawful to clean fish on this table."
-- Cliff Revell
15. Out of Breath
While editing announcements for a newspaper, I came across an item promoting a camp for children with asthma. Aside from all the wonderful activities the kids could enjoy, such as canoeing, swimming, crafts and more, it promised that its lakefront property offered something the kids probably did not expect: "breathtaking views."
-- Christy Nichols
16. Young Man
Visiting his parents' retirement village in Florida, my middle-aged friend, Tim, went for a swim in the community pool while his elderly father took a walk. Tim struck up a conversation with the only other person in the pool, a five-year-old boy. After a while, Tim's father returned from his walk and called out, "I'm ready to leave."
Tim then turned to his new friend and announced that he had to leave because his father was calling. Astonished, the wide-eyed little boy cried, "You're a kid?"
-- Janice Palko
17. Fast Swimmer
I was talking on the phone with my son, who was stationed in Hawaii with the Air Force. He was explaining how the troops were learning to scuba-dive. They used the buddy system, he said, and occasionally dived into shark-infested waters. Listening on the extension, my daughter asked, "What do you do when you see a shark?"
Said my son, "Swim faster than my buddy."
-- Joan Nozkowski
Hilarious moments from family vacations and beach excursions.
Climate Change
According to a news story, if global warming continues, in 20 years the only chance we'll have to see a polar bear is in a zoo. So in other words, nothing is going to change.
According to a news story, if global warming continues, in 20 years the only chance we’ll have to see a polar bear is in a zoo. So in other words,...
Out of It
When I overheard one of my cashiers tell a customer, "We haven't had it for a while, and I doubt we'll be getting it soon," I quickly assured the customer that we would have whatever it was she wanted by next week. After she left, I read the cashier the riot act.
"Never tell the customer that we're out of anything. Tell them we'll have it next week," I instructed her. "Now, what did she want?"
"Rain."
When I overheard one of my cashiers tell a customer, "We haven’t had it for a while, and I doubt we’ll be getting it soon," I quickly assured the customer...
Other Emergency
Our family took shelter in the basement after hearing a tornado warning. My husband told everyone to stay put while he got his cell phone out of the car, in case the lines went dead.
He didn't return for the longest time, so I went looking for him. I was upstairs calling his name, when I heard our phone machine click on.
"Hi," a voice said. "This is Dad. I'm locked out of the house."
He didn't return for the longest time, so I went looking for him. I was upstairs calling his name, when I heard our phone machine click on.
"Hi," a voice said. "This is Dad. I'm locked out of the house."
Our family took shelter in the basement after hearing a tornado warning. My husband told everyone to stay put while he got his cell phone out of the car, in...
Spring Jokes – Silly About Spring
Exchange your shivers for some giggles as we celebrate the spring season with some of our silliest reader submissions:
Stop and Smell the Softener
I had spent the late winter months waiting impatiently for signs of spring. When the first warm, sunny Saturday arrived, I eagerly unlocked the storm door and stepped onto our patio deck. I was pleased by the sight of green sprouts and the sounds of singing birds. More than anything else, I delighted in the sweet aroma of the spring air.
Knocking on the kitchen window, I beckoned to my wife to join me in enjoying the pleasures of the season. She quietly brought me back to earth when she reminded me that I was standing over the dryer vent, inhaling the scent of fabric softener.
-- Contributed by George G. Busher
Your Sunday Best
Our daughter, an ROTC cadet, was ordered to Fort Indiantown Gap in Pennsylvania for field exercises. Since it was the Easter season, she requested permission to attend church services on Palm Sunday. The troops were in the field at the time, so the commanding officer agreed only if there happened to be a church in the vicinity of their maneuvers. When a small country church was seen along the road, our daughter entered quietly, hoping to be unnoticed in spite of her leaf-and-branch camouflage. But all eyes turned upon her as a small child cried in amazement, "Look, somebody came as a palm!"
-- Contributed by Elizabeth Marvin
Spring Fever
One spring day I was taking the roll in my secretarial class at our local technical college. One of the sun worshipers was absent. "Cindy won't be here this afternoon?" I asked. "She went home to lay in the sun," a young woman in the front row answered. Trying to correct her grammar without embarrassing her before the class, I whispered, "Lie." Okay," she replied in astonishment. "Cindy got sick and went home."
-- Contributed by Mary T. Upton
Standby, Soldier
Every Easter our church stages an elaborate pageant. Last year the man who played Pontius Pilate had to work on the night of the dress rehearsal, and a chorus member substituted for him. As we began rehearsing Pilate's solo, the conductor stopped the orchestra. "Pilate, I don't hear you," he called out. "You're not loud enough."
"Pilate is at work," a voice on the stage shouted back. "We've got our co-Pilate tonight."
-- Contributed by Bill Dyson
Signs of Spring
In Ohio, spring is always eagerly awaited after the long, cold winters. When I arrived at work one day in mid-March, I noticed a sign gaily decorated with flowers and butterflies. It read: "Think Spring." The first day of spring blew in with a snowstorm and freezing temperatures, however, and another flowery sign was posted. This time the message read: "Forget Spring. Think Summer."
-- Contributed by Rita Milios
Sleepless Saving Time
Twice a year, we change the clocks for daylight-savings time. And twice a year, my normally punctual assistant arrives late to work the Monday after we do so. I finally had to find out why. "Do you have a problem remembering to spring forward or fall back?" I asked. "Oh, no," she said, pouring herself a cup of coffee. "What gets to me is staying up until 2 a.m. to change my clock."
-- Contributed by Nancy M. Payne
Laugh winter woes away with one of these witty springtime snippets!