Dad always bragged about the gunners on his ship. Once during target practice, an unmanned drone flew past an antiaircraft cruiser. The cruiser opened up, shells furiously flying all around...
Military Jokes
March to the beat of your own drum with these military jokes.
Attention! Choose from military jokes such as army jokes, navy jokes and marine jokes that will bring out the military humor in the most serious sergeants.
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Plenty of Time in the Army
During World War II, my father often found himself stuck with KP duty. One day, convinced he could improve things, he told the head cook, “If you give me a paring knife, I could peel these potatoes faster.” The cook turned slowly to my father and said, “Son, you’re in the Army. You have plenty of time.” —Jack Girard
During World War II, my father often found himself stuck with KP duty. One day, convinced he could improve things, he told the head cook, “If you give me a...
Sirs and Mamas
My granddaughter's husband was complaining about how spellcheck changes the meaning of e-mails when an Air Force officer told him this story: He’d sent a message to 300 of his personnel addressed to “Dear Sirs and Ma’ams.” It was received as “Dear Sirs and Mamas.” —Phyllis Howard
My granddaughter’s husband was complaining about how spellcheck changes the meaning of e-mails when an Air Force officer told him this story: He’d sent a message to 300 of his...
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Served in Baltimore
My dad and uncles were all in the Army during wartime, but only two of the three served overseas. One day, at an event honoring veterans, a young man asked where they had been stationed. “I served in Japan,” said Uncle Sid. “I served in Korea,” said Uncle Jerry. “Baltimore,” said Dad. “Keeping it safe for democracy.” —Lori Shandle-Fox
My dad and uncles were all in the Army during wartime, but only two of the three served overseas. One day, at an event honoring veterans, a young man asked...
Weak Stomach
Aboard a troop carrier crossing the Atlantic, I noticed a seasick pal of mine losing it over the railing alongside several other soldiers. “I never knew you had such a weak stomach,” I said.
“It’s not weak,” he replied. “I’m throwing up just as far as the rest of these guys.” —George Mahathy
Aboard a troop carrier crossing the Atlantic, I noticed a seasick pal of mine losing it over the railing alongside several other soldiers. “I never knew you had such a...
Give Myself Permission
Anyone wanting to take pictures on our base’s airfield needs a letter from public affairs, which happens to be me. One day, while out snapping photos, I was stopped by the military police, who asked for my letter from public affairs. “But I am public affairs,” I said. “Without a letter from public affairs, we’ll have to take your camera.” I did the only thing I could do: I pulled a notepad and pen from my bag and wrote a letter giving myself permission to take photos. The MPs read the letter, saluted, and left. —Joe Macri
Anyone wanting to take pictures on our base’s airfield needs a letter from public affairs, which happens to be me. One day, while out snapping photos, I was stopped by...
Wrong Target
It was our first day on the rifle range at Lackland Air Force Base. I felt confident as I aimed and squeezed the trigger of my carbine for my first shot. “Good news and bad news,” my instructor said. “The good news: You got a bull’s eye.” Before my head could swell too much, he added, “But it was in somebody else’s target.” —Gene Newman
It was our first day on the rifle range at Lackland Air Force Base. I felt confident as I aimed and squeezed the trigger of my carbine for my first...
Drive Him
During a combat medical training class, the topic was blast injuries. At one point, our very intimidating instructor pointed at me and said, “There’s been a jeep explosion. What would you do if you came upon an injured man with a steering wheel embedded in his chest?” Nervous and unsure, I blurted out, “Drive him to the hospital?” For some reason, the rest of the room found this hilarious. —Greg White
During a combat medical training class, the topic was blast injuries. At one point, our very intimidating instructor pointed at me and said, “There’s been a jeep explosion. What would...
40 For Lying
As A.J. and his platoon of recruits were marching, their sergeant slipped and tumbled down a ravine. The irate sergeant scrambled back up amid guffaws and barked, “Those who laughed, get down and give me 20!” A.J. and some others fell to the ground quickly and did their push-ups. Meanwhile, the sergeant glared at the others. “As for the rest of you, get down and give me 40 for lying!” —S.C. via mail
As A.J. and his platoon of recruits were marching, their sergeant slipped and tumbled down a ravine. The irate sergeant scrambled back up amid guffaws and barked, “Those who laughed,...
There Goes the Light Bulb
While serving in Vietnam, my friend and his buddies were hunkered down in a mud-filled hole that had been dug into the side of a berm and covered with lumber for protection. Their one extravagance: a bare light bulb they’d hung from the “ceiling.” One guy was reading a newspaper article from back home about a congressional investigation into why some troops were living in relative luxury. The guy put down the paper, turned to my friend, and said, “Well, there goes the light bulb.”
—James Valouch
While serving in Vietnam, my friend and his buddies were hunkered down in a mud-filled hole that had been dug into the side of a berm and covered with lumber...
Band or Officer
While serving as chief medical officer at Fort Ritchie in Maryland, I attended a nearby wedding. Since it was a formal affair at a country club, I went in my officer’s dress blue uniform. Once at the club, I drove up to the entrance, where the doorman promptly came to the passenger door and assisted my wife out of the car. He then made his way to my side. But before I could get out, he pointed to the other end of the building and said, “The band entrance is that way.” —Gordon Van Otteren
While serving as chief medical officer at Fort Ritchie in Maryland, I attended a nearby wedding. Since it was a formal affair at a country club, I went in my...
No Initials
Soon after arriving at basic training, we were marched to the base barbershop, where we were told we’d find a clipboard with our names on it.
“Next to your name,” the sergeant said, “initial it.”
Everyone seemed OK with this order except for one confused recruit. “Sergeant,” he said, “what if we don’t have any initials?” —Matthew Nazarian
Soon after arriving at basic training, we were marched to the base barbershop, where we were told we’d find a clipboard with our names on it. “Next to your name,”...
Tallest in Line
I admit it—I have a tendency to exaggerate, and I was afraid when I joined the Navy that my “creativity” might get me in trouble. But my fears were put to rest one day while getting into formation, which was determined by height. Now, I was shy of six feet tall, but when our drill sergeant called for all six-footers to line up, I stepped forward anyway. I instantly knew I was in the right outfit when I looked around. I was the tallest guy in line.
I admit it—I have a tendency to exaggerate, and I was afraid when I joined the Navy that my “creativity” might get me in trouble. But my fears were put...
Stop the Orders
Our base’s Army Exchange Service carried a particular brand of underarm deodorant that I liked and bought for years. Then one day I couldn’t find it. I asked an employee whether they still carried my deodorant. “No, we don’t,” she said. “It was always selling out, and I could never keep it in stock. So I quit ordering it.”
Our base’s Army Exchange Service carried a particular brand of underarm deodorant that I liked and bought for years. Then one day I couldn’t find it. I asked an employee...
No Eye Contact
I was instructing new recruits when an officer entered my classroom to observe and report on my teaching style. I thought I was on top of my game that day, but he was quite scrupulous, as evidenced by the fact that his written evaluation of me cited this issue: “Instructor loses eye contact with class while writing on blackboard.”
I was instructing new recruits when an officer entered my classroom to observe and report on my teaching style. I thought I was on top of my game that day,...
Drink Under the Table
Comedian Martha Raye was a great supporter of the military and made many trips to Vietnam to entertain the troops. She also liked her scotch. One day, I was told to report to my commanding officer, who ordered me to escort Ms. Raye. He then added confidentially, “We’ve already been through three escorts. You’re the only one I can think of she won’t be able to drink under the table.”
Comedian Martha Raye was a great supporter of the military and made many trips to Vietnam to entertain the troops. She also liked her scotch. One day, I was told...
Temporary Filling
As part of my Naval Reserve requirements at Emory University Dental School, I attended a talk about proper dental procedures following nuclear warfare. Evidently, one of my classmates found the talk less than stimulating and fell asleep. Unfortunately for him, our lecturer caught him. Sidling right up to the student, the speaker shouted in his ear, “What would you do for a patient in the event of a nuclear war?!”
My startled classmate sat up and responded, “Place a temporary filling, sir!”
As part of my Naval Reserve requirements at Emory University Dental School, I attended a talk about proper dental procedures following nuclear warfare. Evidently, one of my classmates found the...
Missing Equipment
When I was a Navy student pilot, I visited the home of a classmate. I met his wife and baby and was impressed that he had all his flight gear neatly laid out on a table. But something struck me as odd.
Picking up some unidentifiable gear, I said, “I didn’t get one of these!”
“Ummm ... no, you’re good,” he mumbled. “That’s my wife’s breast pump.”
When I was a Navy student pilot, I visited the home of a classmate. I met his wife and baby and was impressed that he had all his flight gear...
Better Than the Recipe
During KP duty, my sergeant ordered me to prepare 100 gallons of soup for that night’s dinner. When I told him I had no clue how to make soup, he handed me a cookbook and instructed, “Follow the directions carefully.”
Not long after, I had a large kettle of soup simmering. The sergeant came in, grabbed a spoon, and took a taste. “This is really good,” he said. “Are you sure you followed the recipe?”
During KP duty, my sergeant ordered me to prepare 100 gallons of soup for that night’s dinner. When I told him I had no clue how to make soup, he...
From the Same Place
It was basic training, and I was seated in the barber chair bemoaning the impending loss of my hair when the barber asked,
“Where are you from?”
“St. Louis,” I grumbled.
“Hey, I’m from St. Louis too!” he said.
He then asked conspiratorially, “Do you want to keep your sideburns?”I perked up.
“Sure!”With that, he revved up the razor, clipped off my sideburns, and gave them to me.
As I left the barbershop with sideburns in hand, I heard him ask his next victim, “Where are you from?”
“Chicago.”
“Hey, I’m from Chicago too!”
It was basic training, and I was seated in the barber chair bemoaning the impending loss of my hair when the barber asked, “Where are you from?” “St. Louis,” I...
He Left for Work
I was awakened late one night by a phone call from nearby Fort Meade, in Maryland.
Me: Hello?
Caller: Is Sgt. Rodrigues there?
Me: Sorry, you have the wrong number.(Hang up. R-i-i-ing!)
Caller: Sgt. Rodrigues?
Me: Still the wrong number.
Caller: Do you have his right number? There’s a post recall and he has to go to work.
Me: No, I don’t. (Hang up. And ...)second
Caller: Is Sgt. Rodrigues there?
Me: No. There’s a post recall and he went to work.
Caller: OK. Thanks.
I was awakened late one night by a phone call from nearby Fort Meade, in Maryland. Me: Hello? Caller: Is Sgt. Rodrigues there? Me: Sorry, you have the wrong number.(Hang...
Only Backspace
In the ’50s, I was a clerk typist at our base headquarters in Verdun, France. We were a tough group. How tough? Our motto was “We never retreat, we just backspace.”
In the ’50s, I was a clerk typist at our base headquarters in Verdun, France. We were a tough group. How tough? Our motto was “We never retreat, we just...
Short Haircut
I was stationed in England with the Air Force when I went to a local barber. I told him that I had a date that night and asked for a very close shave. After working his magic, the barber exclaimed, “There you go, Yank. If you want it any closer than that, you’ll have to bite ’em off from the inside.”
I was stationed in England with the Air Force when I went to a local barber. I told him that I had a date that night and asked for a...
Baby Boots
How did I know my new coworker was a veteran? When I heard him describe the impending birth of his first child as “when the baby has boots on the ground.”
How did I know my new coworker was a veteran? When I heard him describe the impending birth of his first child as “when the baby has boots on the...
Nervous Around Her Son
A friend paid my mother a visit. Later, I spoke with Mom.
“I was very nervous,” she said.
“Why?” I asked.
“Because he’s a captain in the Air Force.”
“Mother, as you know, I, too, am a captain in the Air Force.”
“Yes,” she said. “And you also make me nervous when you visit.”
A friend paid my mother a visit. Later, I spoke with Mom. “I was very nervous,” she said. “Why?” I asked. “Because he’s a captain in the Air Force.” “Mother,...
Military Outfit
As the general inspected our troops, he asked some of the Marines which outfit they were serving with. Ramrod straight, each would respond, “Marine Air Group 36, sir” or “Second Marine Division, General.” Then there was one young private. When the general asked, “Which outfit are you in?” the Marine replied, “Dress blues, sir, with medals!”
As the general inspected our troops, he asked some of the Marines which outfit they were serving with. Ramrod straight, each would respond, “Marine Air Group 36, sir” or “Second...
George?!
It was World War II—the front—and we were on high alert. Around midnight, I noticed movement behind a bush. Rather than fire a shot, I shouted out the first half of the password: “George!”
I waited for whoever it was to prove he was an American and reply with the countersign, “Marshall.” Instead, silence.“George!!” Again, no reply. I lifted up my rifle and gave it one last try: “George!!!”An angry voice finally replied, “My name ain’t George!”
It was World War II—the front—and we were on high alert. Around midnight, I noticed movement behind a bush. Rather than fire a shot, I shouted out the first half...
Who is Kissing Her?
My father was serving in a port city in post–World War II Germany when a ship laden with GIs docked. As the soldiers disembarked, they started to jeer and boo. The reason? The local band hired to greet them was playing a popular hit of the time, “I Wonder Who’s Kissing Her Now.”
My father was serving in a port city in post–World War II Germany when a ship laden with GIs docked. As the soldiers disembarked, they started to jeer and boo....
Pregnant With Doubt
When the sergeant told our new commander that his driver could not participate in an upcoming field
maneuver because she was pregnant, the enraged commander demanded to know just how pregnant she was.
The sergeant’s reply: “Completely, sir.”
When the sergeant told our new commander that his driver could not participate in an upcoming field maneuver because she was pregnant, the enraged commander demanded to know just how...
Aged To Perfection
The average age of people living in our military retirement community is 85. Recently, a neighbor turned 100, and a big birthday party was thrown. Even his son turned up.
“How old are you?” a tenant asked.
“I’m 81 years old,” he answered.
The tenant shook her head. “They sure grow up fast, don’t they?”
Thomas Clements, Catonsville, Maryland
The average age of people living in our military retirement community is 85. Recently, a neighbor turned 100, and a big birthday party was thrown. Even his son turned up....
If You Need Something Done Wrong…
“Next time I send a damn fool,
I go myself.”
—Sgt. Louis Cukela, reportedly said at the
Battle of Belleau Wood during World War I
“Next time I send a damn fool,
I go myself.”
—Sgt. Louis Cukela, reportedly said at the
Battle of Belleau Wood during World War I
The Deadliest Job in WWII
My high school assignment
was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served
in the Philippines during the war,
I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, “Did you ever kill anyone?”
Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, “Probably. I was the cook.”
Marian Babula, Penn Run, Pennsylvania
My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served in the Philippines during the war, I chose him. After a few...
Never Lose A Tank
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
Comedian Dick Gregory
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
Comedian Dick Gregory
Military Lesson: Never Volunteer
During basic training at Fort Leavenworth, our sergeant asked if anyone had
“artistic” abilities. Having been an architectural draftsman in civilian life, I raised my hand. Then the
sergeant announced that everyone would get a three-day pass … except me. I would stay behind and neatly print each soldier’s name onto his Army-issued underwear.
Steven Silver, Scarsdale, New York
During basic training at Fort Leavenworth, our sergeant asked if anyone had “artistic” abilities. Having been an architectural draftsman in civilian life, I raised my hand. Then the sergeant announced...
A Vietnam Tupperware Party
The steaming jungles of Vietnam were not my husband’s first choice
of places to spend his 21st birthday. However, the mood was brightened when he received a birthday cake from his sister. It was carefully
encased in a Tupperware container and came with this note: “Dick, when you’re finished, can you mail back my container?”
Kathy Wilson, Chaska, Minnesota
The steaming jungles of Vietnam were not my husband’s first choice of places to spend his 21st birthday. However, the mood was brightened when he received a birthday cake from...
At Ease, and April Fools!
We were inspecting several lots of grenades. While everyone was concentrating on the task at hand, I held up a spare pin and asked, “Has anyone seen my grenade?”
SMSgt. Dan Powell, from rallypoint.com
We were inspecting several lots of grenades. While everyone was concentrating on the task at hand, I held up a spare pin and asked, “Has anyone seen my grenade?” SMSgt....
Military Pranks Are Scarier Than Bombs
The military has a long, proud tradition of pranking recruits. Here are some favorites from rallypoint.com:
• Instructed a private in the mess hall to look for left-handed spatulas
• Sent a recruit to medical-supplies office in search of fallopian tubes
• Had a new guy conduct a
“boom test” on a howitzer by yelling “Boom!” down the tube in order to “calibrate” it
• Ordered a private to bring back
a five-gallon can of dehydrated water (in fact, the sergeant just wanted an empty water can)
The military has a long, proud tradition of pranking recruits. Here are some favorites from rallypoint.com: • Instructed a private in the mess hall to look for left-handed spatulas •...
How Did You Know The War Was Over?
My 90-year-old dad was giving
a talk at our local library about his World War II experiences. During the question-and-answer period, he was asked, “How did you know the war was over?”
He replied, “When they stopped shooting at me.”
Lynette Combs, Norfolk, Virginia
My 90-year-old dad was giving a talk at our local library about his World War II experiences. During the question-and-answer period, he was asked, “How did you know the war...
I Hope You ROTC
In college, my freshman-year roommate was in ROTC and came from a long line of military men. Trask (his last name) used that
heritage to lord it over me. But I had the last laugh.
One night, he returned to the dorm in his perfectly pressed
uniform, his newly acquired name tag in his hand. Reluctantly, he showed it to me. In large gold letters was printed: TRASH.
Gary Severson, Nooksack, Washington
In college, my freshman-year roommate was in ROTC and came from a long line of military men. Trask (his last name) used that heritage to lord it over me. But...
True or False: Military Edition
1) In World War II, a German
U-boat was sunk because of a
malfunctioning toilet.
2) American combat dolphins,
deployed in the Persian Gulf,
surrounded and captured an
Iranian battleship.
3) The pen used by the military meets 16 pages of military specs.
4) At the real-life Topgun program—the one the film was based on—
there is a $5 fine for any staffer who
references or quotes the movie.
5) The Franco-Prussian War
ended in a stalemate and had to
be settled by a winner-take-all game of backgammon played by the two countries’ prime ministers.
Answers: 1-T; 2-F; 3-T; 4-T; 5-F
1) In World War II, a German U-boat was sunk because of a malfunctioning toilet. 2) American combat dolphins, deployed in the Persian Gulf, surrounded and captured an Iranian battleship....
An Iraqi Beauty Regimen
After my niece returned from
her second tour in Iraq, I remarked how beautiful her complexion looked. “What do you use on your face to keep it so smooth?” I asked.
“Nothing,” she said. “I’ve been sandblasted.”
Wanda kaltreider, Wrightsville, Pennsylvania
After my niece returned from her second tour in Iraq, I remarked how beautiful her complexion looked. “What do you use on your face to keep it so smooth?” I...
What ‘Master Key’ Means in the Military
During orientation at Fort Sill, in Oklahoma, our first sergeant stated that if anyone lost his locker key to see him, as he kept a master key in his office. Sure enough, a few weeks later, I lost my key. I walked into the orderly’s room and asked Sarge if
I could borrow his master key.
“Why, certainly, young man,” he said, as he reached under his desk and handed me a large pair of bolt cutters.
John Dannar, Pasadena, Texas
During orientation at Fort Sill, in Oklahoma, our first sergeant stated that if anyone lost his locker key to see him, as he kept a master key in his office....
Funny Military Punishments (According to Reddit)
• We made a private sweep all the sunshine off the sidewalks. It took the poor guy all day. —benSavageGardenState
• Our squad leader was yelling at a soldier when he abruptly stopped and said, “I’m done yelling at you. It doesn’t work.” He stormed off and returned carrying a small potted tree. “You will carry this tree with you wherever you go. If anyone asks you why you’re carrying this tree, you will say, ‘It’s to replace the oxygen I stole from everyone else.’” —Tain01
• A recruit thought he was special because he was an Eagle Scout. The drill instructor picked up on this and took him into the woods and made him build a nest. Then he had him squat over it in order to keep his eggs warm. —V_E_R_S_E
Source: reddit.com
• We made a private sweep all the sunshine off the sidewalks. It took the poor guy all day. —benSavageGardenState • Our squad leader was yelling at a soldier when...
The Time Traveling Soldier
When a soldier came to the
clinic where I work for an MRI, he was put into the machine by an
attractive, young technician. Sometime later, when the examination
was over, he was helped out of the machine by a far older woman. The soldier remarked, “How long was
I in there for?”
Joanne Korman, Bedford, Nova Scotia
When a soldier came to the clinic where I work for an MRI, he was put into the machine by an attractive, young technician. Sometime later, when the examination was...
An Old Army Truism…
Coffee tastes better if the latrines are dug downstream from an encampment.
Source: milhist.net
Coffee tastes better if the latrines are dug downstream from an encampment.
Source: milhist.net
Zero Smarts Thirty
While in Kuwait, shortly before we deployed to Iraq, a major general told our meeting that we should
expect to cross “into Iraq in less than 24 hours.” He then opened the floor to questions.
A lieutenant stood up and asked, “Is that 24 hours our time or 24 hours their time?”
Jesse Kane, Iowa City, Iowa
While in Kuwait, shortly before we deployed to Iraq, a major general told our meeting that we should expect to cross “into Iraq in less than 24 hours.” He then...
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How to Find a Foxhole
My gunnery sergeant and
I were inspecting a Marine training exercise when we spotted a second lieutenant ambling about. “Where is your foxhole, Lieutenant?” I asked.
He snapped off a salute and
responded, “I don’t know, sir!”
Turning to the sergeant, he asked, “Gunnery, where is my foxhole?”
“You’re standing in it, sir,” said
the sergeant. “All you have to do is remove the dirt.”
Ret. Lt. Col. Joseph Como,
Greenwood, South Carolina
My gunnery sergeant and I were inspecting a Marine training exercise when we spotted a second lieutenant ambling about. “Where is your foxhole, Lieutenant?” I asked. He snapped off a...
Left. Left. Left, Right, OUCH!
“Halt!” shouted our drill
instructor. He had noticed that, for the umpteenth time, a recruit kept going to his right on a left command. Our instructor approached the
directionally challenged Marine
and stomped on his left foot. “Now,” he said, “when I say ‘left,’ it’s the
one that hurts.”
Wayne Schroeder, Milwaukee, Wisconsin
“Halt!” shouted our drill instructor. He had noticed that, for the umpteenth time, a recruit kept going to his right on a left command. Our instructor approached the directionally challenged...
Hungover at Sea
It was sheer brilliance. The ship’s operations officer entered
the messdeck, his eyes bleary and at half-mast. He grabbed a bagel and took a seat. Unfortunately, the sun was shining through a porthole right onto his face. Rather than move, he called the bridge: “Hey,” he said, “can you shift the ship 15 degrees? Thanks.”
Source: abovetopsecret.com
It was sheer brilliance. The ship’s operations officer entered the messdeck, his eyes bleary and at half-mast. He grabbed a bagel and took a seat. Unfortunately, the sun was shining...
Letters to Soldiers from Children
Students are great about
sending our troops letters, and the troops love ’em. You can see why:
“Dear Soldier, If you’re having
a rough day, remember the most
important thing in life is to be
yourself. Unless you can be Batman.”
“Dear Veterans, You rock more than AC/DC or Metallica or Red
Hot Chili Peppers.”
“I am so happy you are risking your life for the USA! My grandpa Bob was in the Navy. Now he likes peanuts.”
Source: uniformstories.com
Students are great about sending our troops letters, and the troops love ’em. You can see why: “Dear Soldier, If you’re having a rough day, remember the most important thing...
The Meaning of War
Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.
Comedian Paul Rodriguez
Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.
Comedian Paul Rodriguez
Airman Express
My friend, an Air Force officer, was riding his scooter when he passed an airman who didn’t salute. My friend stopped, turned around, and glared at the airman.
“Thanks for coming back for me,” the airman said, jumping on the back of the scooter. “Airmen’s mess, sir.”
Savita Singh, Noida, India
My friend, an Air Force officer, was riding his scooter when he passed an airman who didn’t salute. My friend stopped, turned around, and glared at the airman. “Thanks for...
Sgt. Nimrod
I was working in Army security when a VIP from another base called to ask to whom he should address an important letter. Knowing my tough-to-spell last name would give him fits, I said, “Just put down Sergeant Gary, as my last name is too hard.”
The next day, I received a letter addressed to Sgt. Gary Toohard.
G. C., via mail
I was working in Army security when a VIP from another base called to ask to whom he should address an important letter. Knowing my tough-to-spell last name would give...
Jimmy Fallon on ISIS
The Pentagon announced that its fight against ISIS will be called Operation Inherent Resolve. They came up with that name using Operation Random Thesaurus.
Jimmy Fallon
The Pentagon announced that its fight against ISIS will be called Operation Inherent Resolve. They came up with that name using Operation Random Thesaurus.
Jimmy Fallon
Landmarks and Spacemarks
While on maneuvers in the
Mojave Desert, our convoy got lost, forcing our lieutenant to radio for help.
“Are you near any landmarks that might help us locate you?” the base operator asked him.
“Yes,” said the lieutenant. “We are directly under the moon.”
Jesse Joe Wingo, Gaylord, Michigan
While on maneuvers in the Mojave Desert, our convoy got lost, forcing our lieutenant to radio for help. “Are you near any landmarks that might help us locate you?” the...
Baby's First Army Roll Call
During that first roll call in the Army, I waited in dread as the sergeant got to my name: DiFeliciantonio. There was bound to be trouble, and
I was right, because suddenly, he
fell silent—eyebrows arched, brain overloaded. After a long pause, he thundered, “The alphabet?!”
John DiFeliciantonio,
Ventnor City, New Jersey
During that first roll call in the Army, I waited in dread as the sergeant got to my name: DiFeliciantonio. There was bound to be trouble, and I was right,...
Lamp of Mass Destruction?
When I spotted a Navy captain
on the street, I saluted and bellowed, “LST 395,” which was the designation and number of the ship I served on during World War II.
The captain returned my salute and responded, “LMD 67.”
“What’s an LMD?” I asked.
“Large mahogany desk.”
Michael Ciavolino, Bel Air, Maryland
When I spotted a Navy captain on the street, I saluted and bellowed, “LST 395,” which was the designation and number of the ship I served on during World War...
An Air Force Truism
The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.
Source: urcaptainspekin.com
The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.
Source: urcaptainspekin.com
No-sense Sensor
A military base commander called to complain that the weather-forecasting software our company created for them kept reporting
unexplainable wind shifts.
“Do you know where the sensor is located?” my coworker asked.
“Of course,” he responded. “It’s where we park the helicopters.”
Angelo Giordano, Bellevue, Nebraska
A military base commander called to complain that the weather-forecasting software our company created for them kept reporting unexplainable wind shifts. “Do you know where the sensor is located?” my...
Confessions of a Military Wife
My husband is infantry, and
he said the most wonderful things
to convince me to marry him:
• The closets could all be mine since he wears the same thing every day.
• I could have as many babies as
I want because giving birth is free.
• He would never get on my nerves, because he would always be gone.
Mollie Gross
(molliegross.com) is the author of Confessions
of a Military Wife, published by Savas Beatie.
My husband is infantry, and he said the most wonderful things to convince me to marry him: • The closets could all be mine since he wears the same thing...
Sky's the Limit
Humankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there.
Source: propilots.org
Humankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there.
Source: propilots.org
An Army of None
We were an Air Force family, but our son could not grasp that
fact. Anytime someone asked what his father did, he’d say, “He’s in the Army.” I told him umpteen times, “Stop telling people I’m in the Army!” It finally seemed to hit home because on the admittance form
for kindergarten, under “father’s
profession,” the teacher wrote, “He doesn’t know what his father does, but he’s not in the Army.”
R. Wayne Edwards, Somerville, Texas
We were an Air Force family, but our son could not grasp that fact. Anytime someone asked what his father did, he’d say, “He’s in the Army.” I told him...
Air Force Truisms
“Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.”
“The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.”
“Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.”
“Airspeed, altitude, and brains: Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.”
“Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.” “The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.” “Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.”...
Head to the Dentist
I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth when my squad leader barged in. He was holding a toothbrush, which he proceeded to use to scrub underneath the rim of a toilet.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“Hazing the new guy,” he said with a grin.
“You do know that he could get ill from the bacteria on the toilet.”
His reply was quick and to the point: “You didn’t.”
Jeffrey S. Carr, Jacksonville, North Carolina
I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth when my squad leader barged in. He was holding a toothbrush, which he proceeded to use to scrub underneath the rim of...
Bad Soldier Mistakes
It’s important that soldiers
learn from their mistakes; otherwise, they’re bound to repeat them at
inopportune moments. Here soldiers share what they’ve gleaned from
past gaffes:
• “I was cold” is not a sufficient
reason for being caught in the female barracks.
• Do not communicate with officers using only Madonna lyrics.
• Do not conduct live fire exercises at the general’s (unattended) jeep, even if it’s parked in an area clearly marked Live Fire Zone.
• Do not attempt to shave with fire.
• Do not use 27 packs of sticky notes to label everything in the barracks
so the general won’t have any questions during the inspection.
From skippyslist.com
It’s important that soldiers learn from their mistakes; otherwise, they’re bound to repeat them at inopportune moments. Here soldiers share what they’ve gleaned from past gaffes: • “I was cold”...
Militant Roaches
I’m convinced my cockroaches have military training. I set out a roach bomb—they defused it.
—Comedian Jay London
I’m convinced my cockroaches have military training. I set out a roach bomb—they defused it.
—Comedian Jay London
The Perpetual Pizza Pun-Off
A Military lab has developed a pizza that boasts a shelf life of three years without being frozen, and now the Week has asked its readers to name this durable dish. Here’s what they came up with:
•Semper Pie
•The Lasting Supper
•In-dough-structible
•Pizza de Resistance
•DeFrigNo!
•Auld Lang Slice
•Eternal Piece
•Grandpapa John’s Pizza
A Military lab has developed a pizza that boasts a shelf life of three years without being frozen, and now the Week has asked its readers to name this durable...
No Emergency Exits, Thanks
The flight attendant on our trip was handing out plastic pilot wings to some kids. As I stepped
forward, she jokingly offered me one, but I passed. Pointing to the Airborne wings on my Army uniform, I
explained, “The last time someone
gave me wings, I had to jump
out of the airplane.”
Col. David Jessop (Ret.),
Rineyville, Kentucky
The flight attendant on our trip was handing out plastic pilot wings to some kids. As I stepped forward, she jokingly offered me one, but I passed. Pointing to the...
Papa Bear
My husband’s cousin married a former Marine who now works for United Parcel Service. They bought their four-year-old son two stuffed bears — one in a UPS uniform and the other in Marine garb. When the boy seemed confused, his father brought out a picture of himself in full Marine dress. “See, Connor?” he explained, pointing to the photo and then to the bear. “That’s Daddy.”
Connor’s eyes went from one to the other, and then he asked in a puzzled voice, “You used to be a bear?”
Submitted by Robin Yedlock
My husband’s cousin married a former Marine who now works for United Parcel Service. They bought their four-year-old son two stuffed bears — one in a UPS uniform and the...
When Cats Go James Bond
The military may have invented the Internet, but not all government schemes have worked as well. In
the ’60s, the CIA hatched a plan to implant a battery and a microphone in a cat so the furry feline could
spy on unsuspecting targets. The program was halted when, after years of research and millions of
dollars spent, the spy cat was run over by a cab.
Source: cracked.com
The military may have invented the Internet, but not all government schemes have worked as well. In the ’60s, the CIA hatched a plan to implant a battery and a...
Care of The US Military
We were marching to the chow hall when we spotted a pathetic-
looking recruit standing at attention by a mailbox, a whole book of stamps plastered to his forehead. When our drill instructor demanded an explanation, the man bellowed, “This recruit has proved himself worthless and weak and is being mailed home to his mother!”
Mark Jones, Glendale, Arizona
We were marching to the chow hall when we spotted a pathetic-looking recruit standing at attention by a mailbox, a whole book of stamps plastered to his forehead. When our...
Smoke ’em if You Got ’em
When I enlisted in my teens, I took up smoking cigars to make myself look more mature.
Did it work? Well, one time, as I proudly puffed away at our NCO club, an older
sergeant growled, “Hey, kid, your candy bar’s on fire.”
James Bushart, Cassville, Missouri
When I enlisted in my teens, I took up smoking cigars to make myself look more mature. Did it work? Well, one time, as I proudly puffed away at our...
An Aptly Named Vessel…
I was standing watch when
an old, run-down freighter named Sagar Moti passed by. An officer asked if I knew what it meant.
“Ocean Pearl,” I answered.
He nodded. “It does look like it’s been fished out from the bottom
of the sea.”
Sunder P. Shastry, Mumbai, India
I was standing watch when an old, run-down freighter named Sagar Moti passed by. An officer asked if I knew what it meant. “Ocean Pearl,” I answered. He nodded. “It...